Exclusive: Local man plays off poor knowledge of music theory as ‘experimental music’

MINNEAPOLIS, MN —  Christopher Hunt, 19, is a local man who has been making ‘music’ in his home for a few months but refuses to learn any music theory. This hasn’t stopped the man as he has just pretended that it’s actually super cool, “If you just look at it from a different point of view.” The music Hunt makes on his computer has nothing a musician would call substance, but that doesn’t deter him. In fact, he digs his heels in and asserts to his listeners —friends who he won’t stop sending his SoundCloud to— that the music is…

Starbucks: Black employees not required to attend racial bias training because they can’t be racially biased

SEATTLE, WA — Starbucks announced in a press release this past week that all 8,000+ of their stores will be closing on May 29 for a mandatory training on racial bias. All employees, according to Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson, will have to undergo the training, but there’s an interesting loophole in that: Black employees don’t have to go because they’re incapable of being racist or racially biased. According to a Starbucks spokesperson, black employees will not need to go to the training because “[they] know enough about racial bias,” while all white employees will be required to attend. Hispanic employees are also…

Opinion: For Earth Day, flip your car and light it on fire. Or are you not a real environmentalist?

Earth Day is today, apparently, and I’m honestly getting sick of this nonsense. The only reason why Earth Day is still even a thing in 2018 is because we need a Hallmark holiday to remind ourselves to not be complete pieces of shit about our Earth. So, y’know what? I’m done pandering. From now on, environmentalism is ONLY big action. Environmentalism is ONLY drastic change. We are NOT saving the world by putting our paper and glass in different colored bins. How we will change things is by doing something big. I want everyone who is reading this to go…

We gave weed ‘for the first time’ to Baby Boomers who pretend they didn’t smoke in the 60s. Here’s what they think.

For 4/20, APR dug through Facebook to find local Baby Boomers who could come to our office and pretend they hadn’t had weed in their teens and 20s as to appear morally superior so we could get their thoughts on their ‘first time’ using the recreational drug. David (63) — “I get it. I get the happy feeling and what not, but why does it have to be legalized? I’m smiling and I’m having fun, but since when is that a right? I’m sorry, I’m just uncomfortable with all of this.” David got out of his chair, curled up in…

LGBT Voices: Meet the gay couple that’s taking their transgender child to conversion therapy

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — A local gay couple, Jerry and Francis Jameson, has decided that they will be taking their transgender child, aged 16, to conversion therapy. This is in order to repair what they told us is the “degenerative brain dysfunction of transgenderism.” Their child, who asked remain unnamed but his name is Thomas, is going through a phase where he believes that he was born in the wrong body and would like to someday go through surgery to correct for this.  For now, he dresses in such a way as to appear female and acts as a woman as well, like…

Top 5 things that could have happened if abortion was illegal

The negative impact of abortion on society is immeasurable and very real. The butterfly effect tells us that a single event, such as the murder of a child in this case, can throw the universe out of balance and change the course of humanity in unpredictable ways. That’s why we’ve rounded up the top five things that could have happened, or been solved by now if abortion was illegal. 5.) An end to racism Let’s imagine a world where there is no racism. That very easily could have been the world we’d be living in right now. But because of…

Crown Cruise Line to introduce world’s first carbon-neutral cruise where travelers row to destination

HOLLYWOOD, FL — Crown Cruise Line has announced that they are unveiling a next-generation cruiseliner that doesn’t rely on fossil fuels to run. Instead, the luxury vessel requires its passengers to row to their destination. Crown Cruise Line CEO Mathew Gordon said in an email that this is an important move to help curb his company’s impact on global climate change. “Boats are the number one polluters in the world,” Gordon wrote. “We feel it is our duty as citizens of the Earth to stop as much of it as possible. In this life, we have to make sacrifices for the greater…