Fuck! My vacation plans to France this summer are ruined!

What an absolute bummer, man! For those not in the know, the historic Notre-Dame Cathedral is burning to the ground as I’m writing this and I can’t help but be sad about it. I mean, my vacation to France this summer was gonna be perfect. The Louvre, Eiffel Tower, Notre-Dame — I had the PERFECT plan. But no. Nothing can go my way ever. I don’t want to make this all about me, I’m not that kinda person, but goddamn, guys. My plans this summer are fucked. The cathedral was fine for the last 800-something years and now it decides…

With open arms: We invite any and all Central American and Mexican immigrants to read our website

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — APR News is officially announcing our “open door policy”. This allows for each and every one of the many people trying to immigrate to the US from Central America and Mexico full and open access to our website. Our Head of Sales, Jess Donaldson, believes, “Our readership is down, like, WAY down what the fuck just write something that’s pro-immigrant please for the love of Christ,” she told us through text this morning
. President Trump has been making threats to close all or parts of the southern border this week, but what Trump can’t shut down is…

Press Release: APR News acquires Unflexx Mag

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — APR News as of today owns news startup “Unflexx Mag” which will join the growing APR family. Unflexx Mag started quite recently (their site has been up for literally 15 minutes from the time of publishing) and they did so from a foundational idea that infotainment could be just a tad whiter. Both news organizations separately strive to bring the most “honest” and “unbiased” and “balanced” reporting as possible and with the merger of both companies we can continue to deliver on that promise every day and from “different” and more “unique” perspectives. Go to unflexxmag.com for…

LOL! This “teen polyglot” can’t even fully articulate a pharyngeal fricative!

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Local teen, Louis Fellman, 18, has been pretending to be a polyglot for several years, but today has been caught red-handed by his peers after not being able to fully articulate the very commonly used pharyngeal fricative. His now former best friend, Tony Moss, recounted the experience with us earlier this morning in a sit-down interview “When we all asked him if he could give us just one, clean pharyngeal fricative, and he stupidly said a velar lateral approximant instead, we knew his ass was a poser. Like, from day one. He says he can speak Russian, Italian,…

Opinion: Saudi Arabia is the most forward-thinking, progressive, and free nation in the world

Saudi Arabia, as many of you might believe, is a “backward” nation riddled with corruption and medieval values. It’s quite the contrary. I would like to assert that Saudi Arabia is actually way more progressive and forward thinking than all of the western propaganda you consume would like for you to believe. Here are my reasons why Saudi Arabia isn’t as bad as you think it is. Royal Family The first important thing to note to mention is that they have a royal family! Not everyone knows that, but it’s true! Who doesn’t love a monarchy that that can’t be challenged and…

Did Saudi Arabia just ban satire because they’re scared of this sex tape with Mohammed bin Salman and an alien we found?

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA — APR’s Saudi Arabia branch was prepared to have a field day with a sex tape we uncovered earlier this week featuring the Saudi Prince Mohammed bin Salman and an alien in a Make America Great Again hat, but now is legally obligated to not write any satire about it due to a ban on such writing that would “disrupt public order”. Ahmad bin Sharif, an Arab guy we found who was really pumped to draw a cartoon about this, says the part he’s most disappointed about is the fact that he can’t draw his favorite part…

Exclusive: Local man plays off poor knowledge of music theory as ‘experimental music’

MINNEAPOLIS, MN —  Christopher Hunt, 19, is a local man who has been making ‘music’ in his home for a few months but refuses to learn any music theory. This hasn’t stopped the man as he has just pretended that it’s actually super cool, “If you just look at it from a different point of view.” The music Hunt makes on his computer has nothing a musician would call substance, but that doesn’t deter him. In fact, he digs his heels in and asserts to his listeners —friends who he won’t stop sending his SoundCloud to— that the music is…