Hey, France. Macron won because you’re a sexist.

Today is a sad day for women everywhere

You did it France. Way to go. First the US, and now France. What’s wrong with the world today. Why can’t a perfectly qualified woman with nothing controversial about her just finally get some power in this world.

At every turn, there was some nonsense about how Le Pen is spouting “bigotry” or whatever. Just lies that so many spread because of fear. Fear of a woman leading them.

France, you should be ashamed. After the US election where Donald Trump came out on top, we thought that this sexism was just on the conservative side, but France has proved that bigots are politically agnostic and will stop at nothing to carry out their wishes.

Don’t lie and say that you care about “minorities” or “women”. Not only is Le Pen a woman, but she’s one third Venusian. You just had to snuff out another disenfranchised minority, didn’t you?

Today will be remembered in French history as the day France came together to take power from an innocent, helpless woman to give it to a man. Disgusting.

APR’s five Earth Day tips and tricks to help save the world!

This Earth Day we want to make sure we are doing the most we can to help out!

Here at APR, we’re strong believers that the environment exists. So much so that we have gathered our top five tips for you to consider incorporating into your life to make sure that the environment keeps existing!

1.) Go on a meat-exclusive diet

meat

The whole point of Earth Day is doing our part by saving the environment, right? And what better way is there than to transition to an all meat diet. Last we checked, animals aren’t green, so the Earth doesn’t need them. In fact, Mother Nature would appreciate you getting rid of all of these pests like cows and chickens because they’re walking all over her damn lawn.

2.) Exercise less often

obesity-stockThat’s right! We’re asking you to stop doing your New Year’s Resolution! Hard, we know. But stick with us here. The more you exercise, the more calories you need to intake to maintain your body. So if you exercise less, you’ll have to eat fewer calories, meaning you save food! There are kids in Africa who would love your food, but your selfishly hogging it by KNOWINGLY draining your body of resources quicker than normal.

3.) Save water by packing the inside of your mouth with salt

Salt

This one is an easy one. Just make sure the inside of your mouth is coated with as much salt as possible. This will dry your mouth out so your body will have to produce more saliva that you will swallow, leading to you needing to drink water less! If you get hungry, DO NOT take out the salt. Just swallow some of it and pack in more salt.

4.) Be proactive

factory-005

This one is huge! Gather some friends to climb up the chimney of a factory and breath in as much of the pollution as possible before it messes up the atmosphere. We recommend bringing along as many friends as possible so when one person passes out and slides head first, backwards down the chimney there can be another to replace them

5.) Stop littering into our atmosphere

mit-rapidoxygen-1_0

When people think of litter, what they most likely think of is a can of soda left in the grass of a park; The littering you usually don’t think of is what you do every time you exhale. This is important. Humans are essentially like cars because both exhale CO2 into the atmosphere. Here’s our little tip. Breathe in normally but exhale into a paper bag and seal it closed. Continue doing this for every time you exhale and be sure to send your bags to a facility to be recycled
Bonus tip: Since you already are carrying so many paper bags because of our previous tip, use one to seal up the tailpipe of your car! How can your car pollute if the tailpipe is sealed off with a paper bag?

 

Have a nice, environmentally cautious Earth Day!

Protest in Minneapolis pushes for organic, vegan, free range, and GMO-free options at homeless shelters

You thought we could feed the homeless just anything? Think again.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Minneapolis was a buzz earlier today due of a very impassioned protest that were pushing for homeless shelters to start offering different food options for the people who come in to get what sometimes is their only meal.

The protest, which was led by feminists for some reason, spanned across much of the morning hours and took place in a few areas notorious for not having a homeless issue for decades.

“The homeless people are a bit creepy, honestly, and would, distract from our main message, I think,” a protester told us when asked about why no homeless people were actually at the event. “Even if they were here, how would they, like, help? If they could present their message in an impactful way, they’d have jobs.”

The main message of the protesters is that they believed homeless people deserved to be treated better when it came to the food we give them in shelters and that they should have a higher quality of food. The food they currently have is being described as “subpar at best” by the group.

“I haven’t been to homeless shelter food kitchen thing in a while but, man, I remember going and saying to myself, ‘Wow this food isn’t that great’, y’know what I mean? It’s ridiculous! What is this, a Walmart? These are ‘people’ right? Shouldn’t we fed them like they’re ‘people’?”

We sent APR Intern Danica Michaels to go talk to some real live homeless people to get their thoughts on the protest, but she forgot her passport at home so she couldn’t get past the checkpoints that block off the slums of Minneapolis, so we couldn’t actually get any comment from them. We presume they like it though.

Michaels, who has had to sleep on her parents couch while her house is being renovated, says that she thinks this is what the homeless need to advance themselves in society. “The people that took up this cause are really showing their knowledge of the community and it’s needs. This won’t fix all of their problems, obviously, but we have to start somewhere.”

The protest was met to lukewarm response by the pedestrians, but organizers attribute this to the “intellectual content of their message” that forced you to think, perhaps leading most to want to internalize their thoughts instead.

President Erdoğan handing out stuffed ballots to kids at celebration of referendum victory

They’re honestly the cutest little things things in the world!

ANKARA, TURKEY — After a very obvious win in the referendum to expand his God given authority, President Erdoğan and his staff are going all out with celebrations, which include the cutest little stuffed ballots for kids to take home after a long night of joy.

We spoke with some kids on the ground in Ankara and they’re all very excited: “I did want to be president when I am older, but I prefer the stability that he will provide me for the rest of my life,” one boy told us.

There is currently a very small minority of people who are upset at the fireworks display Erdoğan supporters are shooting off. So much so that they want to contest the vote to throw their own firework display. They could always just contribute their fireworks to the overall display and make everyone happy, but some just enjoy dissenting for the sake of dissenting.

Some of the very few other opposition members are very vocal in their concern that this is one step closer to Erdoğan never leaving power and taking full control, but c’mon! He said he’d do good things as president so let extend his term so he can do more good things.

The main point of focus here, again, is the children. While they hold their stuffed ballots tonight as they fall asleep, they can rest easy knowing that they don’t have to deal with the hassle of elections, “voting”, debate, and instability that comes with transferring power from one person to another for the rest of their lives. Truly an inspiring day for children in Turkey today.

Jesus: “Guys, I’m gone for 1984 years and I come back to this??”

We ALMOST got to see Jesus come down from Heaven!

HEAVEN, SPIRITWORLD — The second coming of Christ was narrowly missed earlier today after a disgruntled Jesus ascended back up to Heaven after finding that we messed everything up while he was gone.

We tried to reach out to Jesus for comment by throwing paper airplanes with questions on them into the sky and Jesus responded by throwing a Boeing 787 Dreamliner at our Minneapolis HQ with “How’s this for a second coming?” written across the side.

What Jesus is trying to say is that we have to stop with all of these affronts against God like eating seafood, wearing mixed fabrics and not having slaves, like the Bible expressly says.

We pissed Jesus off this time but we can do better! Just follow the book better!

Happy Easter from APR News! Well… at least try to have a good one… Sorry to soil your day with this big bummer

Inspiring: Gay teen finally gets the chance to bully kids just like his straight peers do!

First post of APR’s LGBT Voices!

For the inaugural post of APR’s LGBT Voices, we’re bringing you the short but very heartwarming story of a young teen named Jimmy Kline (shown above on far left in a childhood photo where he’s a bully still in the closet), who finally gets the chance to harass his classmates the same as his straight friends.

Jimmy has been struggling with his identity for most of his life, and was nervous to come out to friends and family because he was worried he couldn’t pursue his goal to be a dejected member of society, not because of his sexuality, but because of his inclination to assault and harass others. We got to speak to Jimmy and he told us just that.

“When I’m older, I want to be a sad man who has trouble connecting with others because of a problem expressing myself. I want to be open about who I like though too! I shouldn’t have to hide that! Why does a reclusive bully have to be straight in our modern time?”

His parents, Amy and Francis Kline, are in support of their son’s sexuality and are proud to have a child who is breaking stereotypes.

Friends of James tell us that they were skeptical that someone gay could beat a kid up for wearing the wrong shirt to school that day, but they were all pleasantly surprised when he followed through by knocking out a kid wearing a green shirt that DEFINITELY clashed with his shoes.

Stories like this happen everyday where kids discover their true selves like and become comfortable in their skin.

This is exactly what APR’s LGBT Voices is all about. Stay tuned for more!

APR News Presents: Black Voices and LGBT Voices

Today we are proud to announce ‘APR Voices’, a platform for different segments of America to voice their opinions and discuss what matters to them, but nobody else.

We are starting the project with two ‘Voices’: Black Voices and LGBT Voices. For many years, the struggles of these two groups have been hidden in our country, but with the advent of the internet, their battles are becoming mainstream.

Now, what you may be thinking is that we are creating these ‘Voices’ to allow people from those communities to speak up about their issues and talk about what matters to them to people who perhaps don’t have that perspective. That’s not the case. We’re doing this because our numbers show that we’re losing the black and gay crowd so we’re pandering to them by providing an echo chamber for their views where they think they’re being listened too by mass audiences, but they’re actually just talking to themselves.

But don’t let that put you off! We’re the good guys here! Just think to yourself, is CNN doing this? Thought so. This is definitely pandering, but pandering is better than ignoring.

Stay tuned for future Voices, such as: Female Voices, Illegal Immigrant Voices, Canadian Voices, Alt-Right Voices, and many many more!