Illuminati to sever ties with White House

HELL, SPIRITWORLD  — Shortly after President Trump’s press conference today, the Illuminati had an impromptu press conference of their own where Satan officially denounced the Trump Administration and called for the Illuminati to formally cut ties with the White House “until further notice.”

When questioned by APR’s Illuminati Correspondent, Fastolph Boffin, on why the long relationship between the two entities is being tenured, Satan responded by telling her, “Trump and his White House aren’t what we’re looking for.”

Satan followed up by saying that The New World Order requires leaders to be resolute and purposeful with their actions.

Boffin says that an important tenet of a quality relationship between the White House and the Illuminati is making sure the president acts calmly, as to not cause a stir in the country.

“Presidents keep it low-key, for the most part,” Boffin explains. “Trump has been a wildcard from the beginning and the Illuminati originally liked that!”

A wildcard, in the Illuminati’s eyes is a tool to use in their advantage. “It gives the illusion of chaos in an otherwise perfectly orchestrated system,” a representative of Mazda, a subsidiary of the Illuminati, told us in an email. “Trump allowed the Illuminati to carry out their plans in a more covert way. With Obama, for example, it was a little obvious who he worked with. But Trump,” he said longingly —which was strange because, as mentioned above, this statement was in an email— “Trump was the perfect blend of crazy and manipulable.”

If Trump is so easy to manipulate by the Illuminati, why sever ties? Satan told Boffin that Trump is “too erratic and untrustworthy. Seriously— we bring up anything at one of the meetings and the next day we see he’s tweeting about it and signing executive orders and we’re sitting over here like, ‘Dude. Just calm down and let us workshop these ideas a bit before you throw them out to the public,’ right? But no. He comes back and says, ‘In my initiation ceremony I was told my goal was to make sure all of the institutions of the world are unstable so the New World Order could sweep across the globe to take control.’ Then I say, ‘Yeah, but we have to do it slowly, Trump. Obama was doing perfectly: destroying the world from the inside out— calmly. You’re causing mass hysteria out there, dude,’ and he usually is not even paying attention at this point, so we get nowhere and it’s back to the same old stuff again the next day.”

The Illuminati plays an important role in making sure the world slowly devolves into heathenish anarchy ruled by an elite class of psychopathic multi-billionaires who are all led by the Antichrist himself; If Trump is getting in the way of that, as Satan suggests, this move is an understandable one.

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