Want to kill yourself but are scared of death? New startup ‘Cryocide’ has the answer!

Neo-cide: Suicide for the modern age

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — A new Silicon Valley startup has a solution for those of us contemplating suicide, but also are scared of death. According to the W.H.O., the one thing stopping most from suicide is a fear of death. In a 2015 study, the agency reported that 13% of those who have suicidal thoughts stop short specifically due to that phobia.

Cryocide founder, Florence Walters (center in photo), told us today that he saw a gap in the market and wanted to address that. “When I saw those stats, I was shocked. 13% of people are holding back from something that they want to do, but won’t.”

The company was started by Walters just over a year ago with the aim to let people kill themselves, but do it so they don’t have to face their fear of death. The startup uses cutting edge cryonics technology to allow their customers to do that.

“The process,” Walters told us in a sitdown interview in the company’s San Francisco headquarters, “is a very simple one and it’s just two steps. First we give our customers a wide selection of methods to commit suicide and they do it – in the company of doctors of course., and then our trained team cryogenically freezes the person and stores them in the hopes that future technology can bring them back when all of their troubles on earth are either dead or irrelevant in the time that they’re woken up.”

APR’s Suicide Correspondent, Albert Gordon, tells us that customers will be getting the best of both worlds with this revolutionary service. “Forever we’ve been told that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but in the modern age it doesn’t have to be that way. Cryocide allows many people to have the satisfaction of the sweet embrace of death while not actually dying.” The technology behind the so-called “neo-cide” service is staggeringly complex and a closely guarded secret. And while all can agree that the technology is quite the feat, some have reservations about the service.

APR spoke to Linda Jackson, a strong critic of Cryocide. She believes that the institution that is suicide is, “nothing but tarnished” by services like this. She explains, “I just want to go back to a time when you could kill yourself in dignity. If I’m going to do it, I want to do it for real, just as God told us expressly not to do in the Bible. Why the hell would people anyone in their right mind kill themselves, come back to life in the far future, and then do it again for real down the line? Honestly, just a stupid waste of money.”

Other critics, rightfully, question whether a medical fix for blown out brains will ever be found. Gordon posed that question to Walters who answered immediately by saying, “There have been so many other things that these ‘doctors’ have said would be impossible but look where we are right now; all kinds of things can be fixed now. We’re giving the customer options and we believe, regardless of the choice, future medical professionals will be able to fix it.”

Even with criticism, Cryocide has opened up their doors to customers and pricing starts at $850,000




Note from the editor: While suicide or even neo-cide seems like a way out, it’s not. Cryocide’s process most definitely won’t work and suicide just sucks. If you’re having bad thoughts, we at APR hope you talk to someone.

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