Eden Prairie, MN — Today the APR News inbox was filled after the shooting in Parkland, Florida with many stories from the front lines.
The biggest story comes from a teen, David Brown (pictured above), from Eden Prairie. Brown, a senior at Eden Prairie High School, was at lunch when he thought of the heartwarming, insightful tweet that was going to get him the girl he’s been crushing on for years.
“I was on my third serving of chicken nuggets when it all rushed over me like a tidal wave,” Brown wrote to us in an email. “[And] when I finished the tweet, I couldn’t contain my excitement. I knew I was gonna finally get her to talk to me.”
According to APR’s Love Correspondent April May, this kind of thing “gets ladies going,” although nobody was really paying attention to what she was saying because everyone was so mesmerized by the fact that her name has two months in it. When questioned what the names of her children are, she responded only with, “That’s none of your business.”
Brown’s new girl, Shelby Sullivan, told us that when she saw the tweet, she was moved by it and that it really made her think.
“Like, if you think about it, the government is just sitting there and doing nothing when people are dying! And, like, I don’t understand it either! Just like David! So, like, when he DMed me with his tweet I was honestly blown away. He has such insight.”
April May (who we’re still kinda confused about; was it a marriage thing or did her parents actually name their child April May? And do you think it’s possible she named her child after another month? Like, we know she has a daughter because she mentioned picking her up after work one day, but we didn’t get a name) also told us that this kind of thing is common. “Teens these days — ” but was cut off when our Chief Vinegar-Based Coleslaw Correspondent, Jeff Lincoln, exclaimed that he found May’s daughter on Facebook, stating that the 15-year-old girl is named June May.
His tweet did fail to “get the ball rolling on change” as he stated his secondary goal with the tweet was, but it did secure him with a partner for the foreseeable next few months, as David is known to be a serial cheater with communication issues according to friends and family we spoke to today.
The higher-ups at APR want to inform all readers that we won’t be actually reporting on the shooting itself because, “Well, it’s kinda a huge bummer. Also, if we, like, miss this one, there will probably be another tomorrow or something.”