APR Horoscopes for March

APR Horoscopes for March

It’s that time again where we relay what the stars would like to communicate to you through our very own Prophet of The Stars, Jason Gonzalez. Ignore this advice from the heavens at your own risk.

Aries

Your best friend will invite you to a gala where you’ll meet the person of your dreams. Not your soulmate. Literally, the person that has been infiltrating your dreams as of late. Greet them at the gala with open arms.

Taurus

Your luck will soon run out. The stars have been warning you, but you haven’t been listening.

Gemini

Talk to that new coworker of yours. They hold the key to your future in their hands. They won’t give it up easily, but you’ll take it with force.

Cancer

Your mom has been acting kinda weird lately, hasn’t she? The stars say you shouldn’t be worried. The stars are lying. Or maybe not.

Leo

Go crazy! Have that extra dessert! Have two!

Virgo

The stars know what you’ve done and they look at you with disgust. The stars don’t even wanna talk to you anymore, honestly. Gross.

Libra

You’re a real fighter! You fight hard! You will fight! There’s a gun hidden behind your dresser! Join us and FIGHT!

Scorpio

I think the stars speak for themselves, right? I don’t need to reiterate the obvious for you. You’ll get it.

Sagittarius

That girl you bumped into the other day at the coffee shop was supposed to be your lover. We sent her for you. She tried to get your attention. She called you by name but you wouldn’t listen. We knew how hard things have been lately so we sent one of us to be with you, and you ignored her. So we’re ignoring you. Good luck.

Capricorn

You will see great fortune in your life and others will pay the price in ways you wish you could reverse. Beg for their lives now and the stars may or may not listen.

Aquarius

Love yourself before you can love others. You’re nowhere close to loving yourself, so stop loving others. Seriously, stop it. You’re embarrassing yourself.

Pisces

The rats that live in your walls told us everything. You coward. You absolute filth.

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