It’s that time again where we relay what the stars would like to communicate to you through our very own Prophet of The Stars, Jason Gonzalez. Ignore this advice from the heavens at your own risk.

Aries

Your best friend will invite you to a gala where you’ll meet the person of your dreams. Not your soulmate. Literally, the person that has been infiltrating your dreams as of late. Greet them at the gala with open arms.

Taurus

Your luck will soon run out. The stars have been warning you, but you haven’t been listening.

Gemini

Talk to that new coworker of yours. They hold the key to your future in their hands. They won’t give it up easily, but you’ll take it with force.

Cancer

Your mom has been acting kinda weird lately, hasn’t she? The stars say you shouldn’t be worried. The stars are lying. Or maybe not.

Leo

Go crazy! Have that extra dessert! Have two!

Virgo

The stars know what you’ve done and they look at you with disgust. The stars don’t even wanna talk to you anymore, honestly. Gross.

Libra

You’re a real fighter! You fight hard! You will fight! There’s a gun hidden behind your dresser! Join us and FIGHT!

Scorpio

I think the stars speak for themselves, right? I don’t need to reiterate the obvious for you. You’ll get it.

Sagittarius

That girl you bumped into the other day at the coffee shop was supposed to be your lover. We sent her for you. She tried to get your attention. She called you by name but you wouldn’t listen. We knew how hard things have been lately so we sent one of us to be with you, and you ignored her. So we’re ignoring you. Good luck.

Capricorn

You will see great fortune in your life and others will pay the price in ways you wish you could reverse. Beg for their lives now and the stars may or may not listen.

Aquarius

Love yourself before you can love others. You’re nowhere close to loving yourself, so stop loving others. Seriously, stop it. You’re embarrassing yourself.

Pisces

The rats that live in your walls told us everything. You coward. You absolute filth.

opinon

Dear APR,

What the hell happened to you guys? You reported on the Notre Dame thing way back and then stopped updating your website! What gives?

A fan,

Chuck, 25

Thanks for writing in again, Chuck!

Budget cuts. That’s it.

Thanks again for the letter!

To send your own letters to the editor, use the contact form on the about page or email us directly at americanpublicradionews@gmail.com

It’s go time, boys. I’m refocused and I’m excited to be back.

What an absolute bummer, man!

For those not in the know, the historic Notre-Dame Cathedral is burning to the ground as I’m writing this and I can’t help but be sad about it.

I mean, my vacation to France this summer was gonna be perfect. The Louvre, Eiffel Tower, Notre-Dame — I had the PERFECT plan.

But no. Nothing can go my way ever. I don’t want to make this all about me, I’m not that kinda person, but goddamn, guys. My plans this summer are fucked.

The cathedral was fine for the last 800-something years and now it decides to burn? Months before my first trip to France?? This is so unfair. I can’t believe I’m being punished like this.

I was given the task today to write a piece on the fire, the chaos on the ground, the art that has been saved, and more, but I just can’t wrap my head around this cosmic injustice. Like, couldn’t the building just not catch fire for a few more months?? I don’t care if it catches on fire as I’m leaving, just not before I visit.

What am I even supposed to do now? My whole summer has been irreversibly ruined and I know it’s because I’m being punished for something.

Ugh!

Note from the editor: APR’s Editorial Staff have reached out to God for comment, and God has confirmed that our Senior Staff Contributor, Janice Michaels, is indeed being punished for stealing sandwiches from the break room. Fuck off, Janice. You deserve this.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Local teen, Louis Fellman, 18, has been pretending to be a polyglot for several years, but today has been caught red-handed by his peers after not being able to fully articulate the very commonly used pharyngeal fricative. His now former best friend, Tony Moss, recounted the experience with us earlier this morning in a sit-down interview

“When we all asked him if he could give us just one, clean pharyngeal fricative, and he stupidly said a velar lateral approximant instead, we knew his ass was a poser. Like, from day one. He says he can speak Russian, Italian, Greek, Portuguese, Mandarin, Swahili, Hebrew, and a couple of others I can’t remember, but now I’m not sure. What a joke.”

When we asked Louis about, he said he’s unable to shake the feeling that he has disappointed everyone he has met or will ever meet. Or at least that’s what we think he said. We couldn’t hear him over his lateralized alveolar approximant.

He also told us today that he doesn’t even know the difference between an alveolar lateral fricative and a postalveolar lateral fricative. What a loser!

Saudi Arabia, as many of you might believe, is a “backward” nation riddled with corruption and medieval values. It’s quite the contrary. I would like to assert that Saudi Arabia is actually way more progressive and forward thinking than all of the western propaganda you consume would like for you to believe. Here are my reasons why Saudi Arabia isn’t as bad as you think it is.

Royal Family

The first important thing to note to mention is that they have a royal family! Not everyone knows that, but it’s true! Who doesn’t love a monarchy that that can’t be challenged and has insane power that no other entity has the ability to check?? The west loves to point at this as a “bad” thing, but they really have no ammo when arguing their point. I mean, look at it! They have a king!

Religion

If you want an example of what a good state-sponsored religion is, look no further. Wahhabi Islam is simply the greatest thing that has happened to Islam. You thought Islam was cool before? Try out the literal, extremely conservative interpretation of the faith called Wahhabi Islam! The coolest part is that Wahhabism can kinda say whatever it wants and it will be protected and fought for tooth and nail by liberals who will call any extreme decree okay in their cultural context and just misunderstood by the west.

Women

Saudi Arabia is a bastion of women’s rights and honestly, that goes without saying. First and foremost, we need to talk about women covering up. It is a FACT that in Saudi Arabia, women have a CHOICE to either be covered from head to toe anytime they’re out OR be punished for it brutally whether socially or legally. Wow! That kind of freedom to choose is just not there in western countries.

Morality

Morality and Saudi Arabia go hand in hand. You’ll likely be pleased to hear, in fact, that Saudi Arabia is so great with this that they’re on the Human Rights Council for the UN! You don’t just talk your way into that! Or provide the world with such a large amount of oil that everyone will just kinda ignore any human rights violations you commit as to not disturb the flow of oil. That’s just unheard of! Not much else even needs to be said quite frankly! I’ll formulate arguments the second the world sees Saudi Arabia as a morally corrupt nation, but now everyone seems to agree they’re just fine!

Conclusion

Now, while I haven’t been to Saudi Arabia and don’t plan on it, I’m thinking it’s a pretty cool place! We should try being less tough on it in the west and understand that they’re not a “worse” society because of “massive limitations on basic human rights”. They’re in fact a way cooler place than anywhere in the west!

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA — APR’s Saudi Arabia branch was prepared to have a field day with a sex tape we uncovered earlier this week featuring the Saudi Prince Mohammed bin Salman and an alien in a Make America Great Again hat, but now is legally obligated to not write any satire about it due to a ban on such writing that would “disrupt public order”.

Ahmad bin Sharif, an Arab guy we found who was really pumped to draw a cartoon about this, says the part he’s most disappointed about is the fact that he can’t draw his favorite part of the tape where the prince uses a bottle of Yemeni children’s blood as lube with the alien.

“The alien, by the way, was definitely a man, despite the fact that he was in fact not human. That’s not a bad thing, I just wanted to clarify. It just sucks that I can’t joke about any of this without fear of punishment. The actual tape is no big deal, it’s just a real shame we can’t joke about it.”

We reached out to Mohammed and his family for comment but all they said was that the hat wasn’t a MAGA hat but was, in fact, a parody “Make Russia Great Again” hat.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN —  Christopher Hunt, 19, is a local man who has been making ‘music’ in his home for a few months but refuses to learn any music theory. This hasn’t stopped the man as he has just pretended that it’s actually super cool, “If you just look at it from a different point of view.”

The music Hunt makes on his computer has nothing a musician would call substance, but that doesn’t deter him. In fact, he digs his heels in and asserts to his listeners —friends who he won’t stop sending his SoundCloud to— that the music is more of a full-body experience and that they wouldn’t get it.

For three months Hunt has been pretending to make real music as a hobby to distract him from his job as a writer for a local newspaper.

“I haven’t written shit in months, but I did figure out the metronome in Ableton wasn’t working because the cue volume was turned all the way down. So that’s neat.”

The first song the Minneapolis man posted to his page was a 16-minute recording of Hunt playing all of the black keys on his keyboard, followed by a loop of his mom yelling at him for not doing the dishes.

When asked how that qualifies as a ‘full-body experience,’ he requested we leave his corner of the basement. His mother let Intern Anthony stay for dinner.

SEATTLE, WA — Starbucks announced in a press release this past week that all 8,000+ of their stores will be closing on May 29 for a mandatory training on racial bias. All employees, according to Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson, will have to undergo the training, but there’s an interesting loophole in that: Black employees don’t have to go because they’re incapable of being racist or racially biased.

According to a Starbucks spokesperson, black employees will not need to go to the training because “[they] know enough about racial bias,” while all white employees will be required to attend. Hispanic employees are also required to take the training because of rampant use of the n-word within the community, which, according to Johnson, “must be a sign of something wrong in their education about race. I can’t make that call for sure, but we’ll have them there just in case.”

Many black activists call this a step in the right direction, but even more are concerned that they have squandered their opportunity to get free coffee out of this situation.

Victoria Davis, a black lady we consult with when we write racial articles, tells us she’d “rather just get a Venti Caramel Macchiato with an extra shot of espresso and two pumps of vanilla then racial bias training.” She went on to express her frustration, saying that she believes when the two who were arrested in Philadelphia had a chance to meet with the CEO, they dropped the ball by just talking about their experience being arrested while not asking for free stuff in return.

“Exhibit A that niggas ain’t shit. Those two goofy ass muthafuckas sat down with the CEO of Starbucks and couldn’t get shit outta his stupid ass but some racial training bullshit. Miss me with that, nigga, I don’t need racial training. I need coffee!”

Someone whose voice and ideas actually mean something, as opposed to Victoria whom we just kinda humor, tells us the idea of not mandating blacks go through a racial bias course is both racist and woke as hell, so he’s not quite sure how to feel about it. His name is Jamar Greene and he’s a 20-something who calls himself an activist on Twitter. He had #BLM in his bio so we automatically reached out.

“On one hand, if’s offensive that they’d exclude the black community in this way and push them away from this, but on the other hand, it’s forward thinking of them to acknowledge that blacks don’t need to do this kind of thing because they can’t be racist. I don’t know, I’m really struggling with this one.”

We would reach out to a Starbucks employee to get their thoughts, but turnover is so high we can’t pin one down for comment.

Earth Day is today, apparently, and I’m honestly getting sick of this nonsense. The only reason why Earth Day is still even a thing in 2018 is because we need a Hallmark holiday to remind ourselves to not be complete pieces of shit about our Earth.

So, y’know what? I’m done pandering. From now on, environmentalism is ONLY big action. Environmentalism is ONLY drastic change. We are NOT saving the world by putting our paper and glass in different colored bins. How we will change things is by doing something big.

I want everyone who is reading this to go outside, flip their car, and burn it. Right now. Dispose of your filthy vehicle. And DO NOT just “sell it.” That thought process is problematic as hell. Would you “just sell” a barrel of radioactive material? No. You’d flip that shit in your driveway and burn it to make sure it’s gone for good.

The whole idea of buying and selling cars makes me feel dirty. I mean, who actually does that?! It’s so perverse and slimy but we all just do it so casually. Would you buy and sell a human? It’s basically the same thing. Except it’s worse because cars are actively destroying the Earth, killing our children, and prolonging wars in the Middle East.

I’m not saying anything too wild here. I need every car in the United States DESTROYED by midnight. And don’t think simply pushing it off a bridge will do. That shit will be salvaged and sold off to third world countries where they know less and they’ll hurt the environment even more. Total it. Starting April 23, NOBODY should have a car. That is how change is made. All at once.

If I see even one car on the highway tomorrow while I’m on my commute to work (Sorry but I CANNOT destroy my car as it’s the only mode of transportation and I’m actually going through a hard time right and need this job, but I am pledging to recycle starting next week to do my part!), I’m going to scream. I literally can’t handle all of you fakes.

 

For 4/20, APR dug through Facebook to find local Baby Boomers who could come to our office and pretend they hadn’t had weed in their teens and 20s as to appear morally superior so we could get their thoughts on their ‘first time’ using the recreational drug.

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David (63) — “I get it. I get the happy feeling and what not, but why does it have to be legalized? I’m smiling and I’m having fun, but since when is that a right? I’m sorry, I’m just uncomfortable with all of this.”

David got out of his chair, curled up in the corner, and started crying; According to him, he’s been in a bad spot mentally since ’82 when his favorite band, The Jam, broke up.

 

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Richard (72) — “So, computers. Right? That iPhone on the table? If you think about it, that’s all of the paper in the world in your pocket. Isn’t that something?”

 

For retirees, by retirees

Linda (72)  — “The only other time I had this it was more of a tingling feeling in my body, but this time it’s a feeling in my head. Now, why is that, Michael? I mean, um. Excuse me. Can that be off the record please?”

Michael (75) —Michael was asked how he felt, but he just fell asleep shortly after smoking.

 

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Patricia (71) — “Ahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahaha!”

 

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Richard, again (72) — “Because if you think about it, what is your phone even? It’s just papers. And that’s what I’m trying to say. That’s all I’m saying.”