Opinion: Saudi Arabia is the most forward-thinking, progressive, and free nation in the world

Saudi Arabia, as many of you might believe, is a “backward” nation riddled with corruption and medieval values. It’s quite the contrary. I would like to assert that Saudi Arabia is actually way more progressive and forward thinking than all of the western propaganda you consume would like for you to believe. Here are my reasons why Saudi Arabia isn’t as bad as you think it is. Royal Family The first important thing to note to mention is that they have a royal family! Not everyone knows that, but it’s true! Who doesn’t love a monarchy that that can’t be challenged and…

Did Saudi Arabia just ban satire because they’re scared of this sex tape with Mohammed bin Salman and an alien we found?

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA — APR’s Saudi Arabia branch was prepared to have a field day with a sex tape we uncovered earlier this week featuring the Saudi Prince Mohammed bin Salman and an alien in a Make America Great Again hat, but now is legally obligated to not write any satire about it due to a ban on such writing that would “disrupt public order”. Ahmad bin Sharif, an Arab guy we found who was really pumped to draw a cartoon about this, says the part he’s most disappointed about is the fact that he can’t draw his favorite part…

Exclusive: Local man plays off poor knowledge of music theory as ‘experimental music’

MINNEAPOLIS, MN —  Christopher Hunt, 19, is a local man who has been making ‘music’ in his home for a few months but refuses to learn any music theory. This hasn’t stopped the man as he has just pretended that it’s actually super cool, “If you just look at it from a different point of view.” The music Hunt makes on his computer has nothing a musician would call substance, but that doesn’t deter him. In fact, he digs his heels in and asserts to his listeners —friends who he won’t stop sending his SoundCloud to— that the music is…

Starbucks: Black employees not required to attend racial bias training because they can’t be racially biased

SEATTLE, WA — Starbucks announced in a press release this past week that all 8,000+ of their stores will be closing on May 29 for a mandatory training on racial bias. All employees, according to Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson, will have to undergo the training, but there’s an interesting loophole in that: Black employees don’t have to go because they’re incapable of being racist or racially biased. According to a Starbucks spokesperson, black employees will not need to go to the training because “[they] know enough about racial bias,” while all white employees will be required to attend. Hispanic employees are also…

Opinion: For Earth Day, flip your car and light it on fire. Or are you not a real environmentalist?

Earth Day is today, apparently, and I’m honestly getting sick of this nonsense. The only reason why Earth Day is still even a thing in 2018 is because we need a Hallmark holiday to remind ourselves to not be complete pieces of shit about our Earth. So, y’know what? I’m done pandering. From now on, environmentalism is ONLY big action. Environmentalism is ONLY drastic change. We are NOT saving the world by putting our paper and glass in different colored bins. How we will change things is by doing something big. I want everyone who is reading this to go…

We gave weed ‘for the first time’ to Baby Boomers who pretend they didn’t smoke in the 60s. Here’s what they think.

For 4/20, APR dug through Facebook to find local Baby Boomers who could come to our office and pretend they hadn’t had weed in their teens and 20s as to appear morally superior so we could get their thoughts on their ‘first time’ using the recreational drug. David (63) — “I get it. I get the happy feeling and what not, but why does it have to be legalized? I’m smiling and I’m having fun, but since when is that a right? I’m sorry, I’m just uncomfortable with all of this.” David got out of his chair, curled up in…

LGBT Voices: Meet the gay couple that’s taking their transgender child to conversion therapy

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — A local gay couple, Jerry and Francis Jameson, has decided that they will be taking their transgender child, aged 16, to conversion therapy. This is in order to repair what they told us is the “degenerative brain dysfunction of transgenderism.” Their child, who asked remain unnamed but his name is Thomas, is going through a phase where he believes that he was born in the wrong body and would like to someday go through surgery to correct for this.  For now, he dresses in such a way as to appear female and acts as a woman as well, like…