MOORESVILLE, AL — The Mooresville School District announced today that they will be introducing a program in its elementary and middle schools where students will have the opportunity to get to take home the “class gun.”

District Superintendent Carolyn Gilden said that after the Parkland school shooting this Valentine’s Day, she does not believe the real issues that caused the shooting are the usual suspects in these debates, but that our country has yet to normalize guns, making the gun a wonder that makes kids —and later in life, adults— nervous.

So this small town in Alabama is working to correct the mystification of guns from the source: In the new program each student is allowed to take home a shared gun, issued to each homeroom class, that they have to take care of for a weekend. Care, according to Gilden, includes things like cleaning and inspection of the weapon.

Gilden released a statement explaining why the program is important to her students and what potential benefit such a program could provide:

“When things are restricted from kids to see, touch, or experience, the kids gravitate toward it more. And by giving them a gun to take care of, they feel normal around the weapon so it’s less of a fear. And also, we believe this will discourage any school shootings in the future two-fold. First, every class now has a weapon in the teacher’s desk. If a shooter were to try and harm students, there would be a defensive weapon at the ready for the teacher to use. Second, making the gun more of a normality means that any school shooter will have to do something more creative to receive the validation that all of them so desperately want. Overall, we just want to cultivate a community of people who understand guns and know how to take care of them.”

The move is seen by many in the community as a controversial one. Some believe giving each homeroom a gun to share amongst the students is basically communism, while others believe it’s ablest, as kids with ADHD won’t be able to get enough one-on-one time with the gun.

MIAMI, FL — Anthony Myers, 48, (pictured above) was sitting in his Miami home earlier this morning when he was confronted with several social media posts all urging for action to be taken following the tragedy in Parkland this Wednesday, and he asked himself a question many of us all ask after each of these tragedies.

“I dunno. It’s just, I’m getting to be an old guy and I don’t really have all of that energy I used to. Nothing is gonna happen with this gun business, so why should I even care?”

Myers, a lifelong Democrat, says that when he was younger he was always hoping for tighter restrictions on guns but now feels conflicted. He could either spend the little amount of mental energy he has left on “getting the ball rolling or at least something,” as a Facebook post he showed us said, or he could just say he supports the cause to look good while not actually doing anything to help solve the gun issue, just as everyone else does.

“Does that make me a bad guy? You got these kids virtually screaming at me saying something’s gotta be done, I’ve got my wife telling me she wishes I’d cook for her like I used to, my kids don’t call anymore; I’m a busy guy. Just give me the bumper sticker or whatever you’re selling and that’s it.”

Julia Myers, 47, shares her husband’s sentiment and agrees that he should do more cooking like he used to do for her.

“Those were the days. My Tony used to treat me so well and now all he does is talk to me about cryptocurrency and why Millennials have it so bad. I’m sorry, what was the question?”

APR Intern Ed Harrison hadn’t actually asked any question, but when he pressed her for comment about the gun issue she said, “Wait why do you ask? Did another shooting happen?” She then quickly ran to her kitchen, pulled out a “Schools must be safe for our children” bumper sticker from a drawer, and put it on her Prius parked in the driveway.

Eden Prairie, MN — Today the APR News inbox was filled after the shooting in Parkland, Florida with many stories from the front lines.

The biggest story comes from a teen, David Brown (pictured above), from Eden Prairie. Brown, a senior at Eden Prairie High School, was at lunch when he thought of the heartwarming, insightful tweet that was going to get him the girl he’s been crushing on for years.

“I was on my third serving of chicken nuggets when it all rushed over me like a tidal wave,” Brown wrote to us in an email. “[And] when I finished the tweet, I couldn’t contain my excitement. I knew I was gonna finally get her to talk to me.”

Screen Shot 2018-02-14 at 11.04.46 PM
The tweet that helped David get the girl of his dreams

According to APR’s Love Correspondent April May, this kind of thing “gets ladies going,” although nobody was really paying attention to what she was saying because everyone was so mesmerized by the fact that her name has two months in it. When questioned what the names of her children are, she responded only with, “That’s none of your business.”

Brown’s new girl, Shelby Sullivan, told us that when she saw the tweet, she was moved by it and that it really made her think.

“Like, if you think about it, the government is just sitting there and doing nothing when people are dying! And, like, I don’t understand it either! Just like David! So, like, when he DMed me with his tweet I was honestly blown away. He has such insight.”

April May (who we’re still kinda confused about; was it a marriage thing or did her parents actually name their child April May? And do you think it’s possible she named her child after another month? Like, we know she has a daughter because she mentioned picking her up after work one day, but we didn’t get a name) also told us that this kind of thing is common. “Teens these days — ” but was cut off when our Chief Vinegar-Based Coleslaw Correspondent, Jeff Lincoln, exclaimed that he found May’s daughter on Facebook, stating that the 15-year-old girl is named June May.

His tweet did fail to “get the ball rolling on change” as he stated his secondary goal with the tweet was, but it did secure him with a partner for the foreseeable next few months, as David is known to be a serial cheater with communication issues according to friends and family we spoke to today.

The higher-ups at APR want to inform all readers that we won’t be actually reporting on the shooting itself because, “Well, it’s kinda a huge bummer. Also, if we, like, miss this one, there will probably be another tomorrow or something.”

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA – A high level North Korean defector, Jun Yi, spoke out yesterday at the UN describing previously unknown facets of Kim’s personal life, such as his affinity for Yoplait with granola and many more disturbing details.

Yi, age 46, a party leader, first tried to defect from North Korea in 2009 under the guise of “making a quick run to Target,” but was told to “come up with a better one, we just went shopping.”

Years later, Yi and his family found their lucky break when Kim was low on groceries and they made their escape.

When they made it to South Korea, they “just kinda stayed” and are now telling their stories of what it’s like living in the repressive nation of North Korea and, more specifically, what the leader is like personally.

“Even as a high-ranking official, the meals we got were never of any good quality. We were often forced to eat garbage like Chef Boyardee just to survive,” Yi said when describing the struggle he and his family faced during their time in North Korea. “Kim always had his food imported, though, so he always ate the good stuff.”

According to Yi, The Supreme Leader of the country would splurge on many luxuries, specifically citing Yoplait with granola. The $3.98 price tag didn’t deter Kim from getting his fix; he had even been heard to exclaim when pressed that it’s “worth the extra $3.”

Such gross inequality is standard in North Korea. While the poorest of the poor have to make due with eating Kraft Singles with mayo, the North Korean dictator lives in such luxury that a cup of silky, smooth, decadent Yoplait yogurt topped with the beautiful crunch of delicious granola is almost passé.

The inequality problem runs so deep in North Korean culture that it’s unknown whether or not the citizens of the country even are aware of such luxuries. During Yi’s time as a party leader, he ran the many slave camps in the country, and noted to us that the political prisoners and people imprisoned for what their grandparents did “have it easy because they didn’t even know what they were missing. To be honest, I wish I could be eating cabbage or whatever it is they eat and just be blissfully unaware of what I could be eating. I mean, we’re talking Yoplait with granola here,” he told us, almost shouting that last part.

We didn’t reach out to Yoplait for comment, but you can imagine that it would be something along the lines of how good their product is and that they don’t condone slavery or something like that.

Edit: This post is no longer live


President Trump delivers his first State Of The Union tonight with several controversies looming over head and to a very divided Congress.

(All times are in Central Standard Time) 

7:47pm: Trump leaves White House, has driver go back for his phone

7:49pm: Trump headed to capitol after grabbing his phone and a quick snack

7:52pm: Trump asks driver for last minute tips

7:54pm: Trump arrives at Capitol

7:55pm: Source: Justice Ginsburg not attending, has “other shit to do”

7:59pm: First Lady begrudgingly enters

8:00pm: Trump Cabinet enters

8:01pm: Secretary of Agriculture is designated survivor, in case the “””””unimaginable””””” happens

8:04pm: Trump enters, looking like a “snacc” according to one of our interns

8:10pm: Paul Ryan pretends introducing President Trump is an honor

8:11pm: Trump gets standing ovation for completing a thought for the first time in his presidency

8:12pm-8:17pm: Clapping

8:18pm: “Seek out common ground and give me money for the wall”

8:19pm: Mike Pence tries to not laugh as Trump says the state of our Union is strong

8:20pm: Source: Democrats can’t clap tonight, all have broken hands and wrists

8:21pm: Opamacare lol

8:25pm: Cory to be “in the house” soon

8:27pm: APR will be using its tax cut to buy a coffee machine that actually works for the office

8:30pm: Breaking: America has one flag

8:31pm: Dems take break from their games of Tiny Wings to clap for that flag kid

8:34pm: Trump tries hard to not look into the teleprompter that would force him to look at Democrats

8:37pm: Trump promises to push back job loss to robots by “at least a few months or something. I dunno, man”

8:40pm: You can tell when Pence wrote the part of the speech we’re at because he’ll nod at it extra hard

8:44pm: Trump talks about building things, teases supporters by not saying “wall” yet

8:46pm: Sanders looks pissed af

8:48pm: Trump says “paid family leave”, points to Democrats

8:49pm: Trump brings up the border, Dems groan; Not at anything he’s saying, but because they’re losing at Tiny Wings

8:54pm: Report: There are more than 13 people in MS13. We thought they named it that because that’s how many people there were. Interesting.

8:57pm: Office intern Ashley says, “haha, the bar for immigration is so high I don’t know if my worthless ass would be able to get in if I was an immigrant”

9:03pm: Trump stopped at four pillars as to not draw any comparisons with Islam

9:05pm: God definitely didn’t say anything to this guy… right…? I mean cool dude and all but like… c’mon.

9:08pm: “Fully fund the military so it’s bigger than the next nine combined, not only the next seven combined as it is now”

9:11pm: Never Forget

9:12pm-9:13pm: Clapping

9:14pm: Trump plays Captain Hindsight for a bit

9:18pm: The US just made a whole lot more enemies

9:19pm: “And you get sanctions, and you get sanctions, and you get sanctions!”

9:23pm: North Korean defector stole beautiful clean coal to trade for food or something and now has a radio show. Sorry, we lost focus over here at APR. We’re playing Tiny Wings

9:27pm: Trump retells American history, forgets Native Americans

9:28pm: USA chant… for some reason…?

9:30pm: Trump ends speech, Dems storm out



Dear APR,

What the hell happened to you guys? You reported on the French election way back and then stopped updating your website! What gives?

A fan,

Chuck, 23

Thanks for writing in, Chuck!

We stopped reporting because there has been nothing of note that has happened since the French election last year.

This “State of the Union” thing is happening tomorrow, however, so we’ll be back for that.

Thanks again for the letter!

To send your own letters to the editor, use the contact form on the about page or email us directly at

Seriously, I’m super glad to be back; I can’t wait to write tons of new content!

You did it France. Way to go. First the US, and now France. What’s wrong with the world today? Why can’t a perfectly qualified woman with nothing controversial about her just finally get some power in this world?

At every turn, there was some nonsense about how Le Pen is spouting “bigotry” or whatever. Just lies that so many spread because of fear. Fear of a woman leading them.

France, you should be ashamed. After the US election where Donald Trump came out on top, we thought that this sexism was just on the conservative side, but France has proved that bigots are politically agnostic and will stop at nothing to carry out their wishes.

Don’t lie and say that you care about “minorities” or “women.” Not only is Le Pen a woman, but she’s one-third Venusian. You just had to snuff out another disenfranchised minority, didn’t you?

Today will be remembered in French history as the day France came together to take power from an innocent, helpless woman to give it to a man. Disgusting.

Here at APR, we’re strong believers that the environment exists. So much so that we have gathered our top five tips for you to consider incorporating into your life to make sure that the environment keeps existing!

1.) Go on a meat-exclusive diet


The whole point of Earth Day is doing our part by saving the environment, right? And what better way is there than to transition to an all-meat diet. Last we checked, animals aren’t green, so the Earth doesn’t need them. In fact, Mother Nature would appreciate you getting rid of all of these pests like cows and chickens because they’re walking all over her lawn.

2.) Exercise less often

obesity-stockThat’s right! We’re asking you to stop doing your New Year’s Resolution! Hard, we know. But stick with us here. The more you exercise, the more calories you need to intake to maintain your body. So if you exercise less, you’ll have to eat fewer calories, meaning you save food! There are kids in Africa who would love your food, but your selfishly hogging it by KNOWINGLY draining your body of resources quicker than usual.

3.) Save water by packing the inside of your mouth with salt


This is an easy one. Just make sure the inside of your mouth is coated with as much salt as possible. This will dry your mouth out so your body will have to produce more saliva that you will swallow, leading to you needing to drink water less! If you get hungry, DO NOT take out the salt. Just swallow some of it and pack in more salt.

4.) Be proactive


This one is huge! Gather some friends to climb up the chimney of a factory and breath in as much of the pollution as possible before it messes up the atmosphere. We recommend bringing along as many friends as possible, so when one person passes out and slides head first down the chimney there can be another to replace them.

5.) Stop littering into our atmosphere


When people think of litter, what they most likely think of is a can of soda left in the grass of a park; The littering you usually don’t think of is what you do every time you exhale. This is important. Humans are essentially like cars because both exhale CO2 into the atmosphere. Here’s our little tip. Breathe in normally but exhale into a paper bag and seal it closed. Continue doing this for every time you exhale and be sure to send your bags to a facility to be recycled.
Bonus tip: Since you already are carrying so many paper bags because of our previous tip, use one to seal up the tailpipe of your car! How can your car pollute if the tailpipe is sealed off with a paper bag?

Have a nice, environmentally cautious Earth Day!

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Minneapolis was abuzz earlier today with a very impassioned protest pushing for homeless shelters to start offering different food options for the people who come in to get what sometimes is their only meal.

The protest, which was led by feminists for some reason, spanned across much of the morning hours and took place in a few areas notorious for not having a homeless issue for decades.

“The homeless people are a bit creepy, honestly, and would distract from our main message, I think,” a protester told us when asked about why no homeless people were actually at the event. “Even if they were here, how would they, like, help? If they could present their message in an impactful way, they’d have jobs.”

The main message of the protesters is that they believe homeless people deserve to be treated better when it comes to the food distributed in shelters and that they should have a higher quality of food. The food they currently have is being described as “sub par at best” by the group.

“I haven’t been to homeless shelter food kitchen thing in a while but, man, I remember going and saying to myself, ‘Wow this food isn’t that great,’ y’know what I mean? It’s ridiculous! What is this, a Walmart? These are ‘people’ right? Shouldn’t we fed them like they’re ‘people’?”

We sent APR Intern Danica Michaels to go talk to some real live homeless people to get their thoughts on the protest, but she forgot her passport at home so she couldn’t get past the checkpoints that block off the slums of Minneapolis, so we couldn’t actually get any comment from them. We presume they like it, though.

Michaels, who has had to sleep on her parents’ couch while her house is being renovated, says that she thinks this is what the homeless need to advance themselves in society.

“The people that took up this cause are really showing their knowledge of the community and its needs. This won’t fix all of their problems, obviously, but we have to start somewhere.”

The protest was met to lukewarm response by pedestrians, but organizers attribute this to the “intellectual content of their message” that forces you to think, perhaps leading most to want to internalize their thoughts instead.

ANKARA, TURKEY — After a very obvious win in the referendum to expand his God-given authority, President Erdoğan and his staff are going all out with celebrations, which include the cutest little stuffed ballots for kids to take home after a long night of joy.

We spoke with some kids on the ground in Ankara and they’re all very excited: “I did want to be president when I am older, but I prefer the stability that he will provide me for the rest of my life,” one boy told us.

There is currently a very small minority of people who are upset at the fireworks display Erdoğan supporters are shooting off. So much so that they want to contest the vote to throw their own firework display. They could always just contribute their fireworks to the overall display and make everyone happy, but some just enjoy dissenting for the sake of dissenting.

Some of the very few other opposition members are very vocal in their concern that this is one step closer to Erdoğan never leaving power and taking full control, but c’mon! He said he’d do good things as president. It’s only rational to extend his term so he can do more good things.

The main point of focus here, again, is the children. While they hold their stuffed ballots tonight as they fall asleep, they can rest easy knowing that they don’t have to deal with the hassle of elections, “voting,” debate, and instability that comes with transferring power from one person to another for the rest of their lives. Truly an inspiring day for children in Turkey today.