MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Today, the offices of APR News are abuzz with excitement because today is the birthday of our founder, Abu Hameed Hassani Sheikh Abdul-Qasim Smith.

Turning 326, he says he’s celebrating like he does every birthday: by trying not to spill drinks in the casket.

“I hate being buried in the ground for 364 days a year with the smell of drinks in there. It’s awful cause if there’s a spot we miss, we gotta wait until next year when I’m brought back up to fix it. It’s a disaster all around,” he told us in an impromptu all-hands meeting this morning.

Abu Hameed Hassani Sheikh Abdul-Qasim Smith was born in what would become Minneapolis in 1691. There are no records of his birth or who his parents are, but he insists we stop asking about it. As a young boy, he’s always had zero interest in news or journalism, but grew fascinated with it after his 3rd death in 1869 and later started APR News. He was the Chief Editor and Chief Reincarnation and Resurrection Correspondent until his final passing in 1953, when he decided to only resurrect himself on his birthday.

In honor of our founder’s birthday, we are all taking the rest of the day off but will resume normal reporting tomorrow, barring some global catastrophe that needs to be addressed.

Happy birthday, Abu Hameed Hassani Sheikh Abdul-Qasim Smith!