Protest in Minneapolis pushes for organic, vegan, free range, and GMO-free options at homeless shelters

You thought we could feed the homeless just anything? Think again.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Minneapolis was a buzz earlier today due of a very impassioned protest that were pushing for homeless shelters to start offering different food options for the people who come in to get what sometimes is their only meal.

The protest, which was led by feminists for some reason, spanned across much of the morning hours and took place in a few areas notorious for not having a homeless issue for decades.

“The homeless people are a bit creepy, honestly, and would, distract from our main message, I think,” a protester told us when asked about why no homeless people were actually at the event. “Even if they were here, how would they, like, help? If they could present their message in an impactful way, they’d have jobs.”

The main message of the protesters is that they believed homeless people deserved to be treated better when it came to the food we give them in shelters and that they should have a higher quality of food. The food they currently have is being described as “subpar at best” by the group.

“I haven’t been to homeless shelter food kitchen thing in a while but, man, I remember going and saying to myself, ‘Wow this food isn’t that great’, y’know what I mean? It’s ridiculous! What is this, a Walmart? These are ‘people’ right? Shouldn’t we fed them like they’re ‘people’?”

We sent APR Intern Danica Michaels to go talk to some real live homeless people to get their thoughts on the protest, but she forgot her passport at home so she couldn’t get past the checkpoints that block off the slums of Minneapolis, so we couldn’t actually get any comment from them. We presume they like it though.

Michaels, who has had to sleep on her parents couch while her house is being renovated, says that she thinks this is what the homeless need to advance themselves in society. “The people that took up this cause are really showing their knowledge of the community and it’s needs. This won’t fix all of their problems, obviously, but we have to start somewhere.”

The protest was met to lukewarm response by the pedestrians, but organizers attribute this to the “intellectual content of their message” that forced you to think, perhaps leading most to want to internalize their thoughts instead.

76% of teens; “I’d absolutely kill myself, lol jk,” Pew Poll finds

“Vanity depression” on the rise in young adults

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — According to a new poll by Pew, 86% of teens in the US would definitely kill themselves in a, “joking kinda way”. The poll comes as many teens in America have been finding reprieve in knowing that depression and suicide are no longer taken seriously. APR’s Chief Suicide Correspondent, Albert Gordon, told us that most teens are happy that overblown issues of depression and suicide are okay to talk about lightly to describe mild inconveniences, as opposed to reserving such statements to those suffering from those fake ailments.

“Vanity depression”, speaking as though one has depression while also understanding that such an illness has yet to be proven, has been on the rise especially with teens who like sympathy. Our Chief Anxiety Correspondent, May Spencer, is  concerned however that this recent trend is delegitimizing mental health causes. “In the mental health community we’re all faking it for attention, and the better fakers get more attention. But when everyone is throwing around pleas for death in such a joking manner, it strips away the legitimacy of those of us who are legitimately faking a mental disease.” In the past few years, vanity depression has eaten away at the divide between the fakers and the liars.

Office Intern, Anthony Ellis, helped offer some insight into the world of vanity depression and why it’s as big as it is. Anthony, a local 13 year old, told us that vanity depression is “fun”. He told us. “LIke, everyone knows I won’t kill myself but it makes my feelings easier to understand,” and followed it up by saying, “Because everyone jokes about it all the time, only the good fakers make it, and those really good fakers are the funnest to laugh at and we wanna see more of them.” He went on to describe the fact that he and his friends have a hard time understanding each other’s feelings, so light hyperbole is needed to make sure the message comes across

Vanity depression is also used as a means to become more liked. Anthony told us early this morning through an Xbox Live message that when “people say edgy things like that, they’re a lot cooler.” He continued, adding that he knows his friends don’t care about mental illness, but it all sounds edgy so they like using the terms. When we asked the young man on what he thought specifically about depression and suicide, and how he thinks people feel when those terms are used in such a liberal manner, he called our reporter “gay” and signed out of Xbox Live.

The Pew Poll shows, to people like Spencer just how outgoing people who misappropriate culture have become. To her, people like Anthony, are stealing part of her identity and making it their own, with their own twists that don’t conform to reality. May proposed “How would you feel if, as a rightly, I just started using left handed scissors but I flipped them upside down when I did it so my right hand would fit properly? You see? Not as fun when I do it.”

For people with mental illness, it’s usually their one identifiable characteristic as a person, and usurping such an intrinsic part of a group’s identity is as bad as it gets when it comes to cultural appropriation.

The left, who is usually fine tuned to be outwardly angry online and in the street – when they can be bothered – seems to be playing the largest role in all of this. Alt-left websites like Tumblr, a hotbed for neo-fascist propaganda, are constantly flooded with messages about people claiming to want to kill themselves. The hypocrisy displayed, to some, really hurts.

Spencer, and so many other liars, are looking for a world where they can go about their day pretending that they have “real” issues without their heritage being stolen away from them. Pew has reminded America that it has a lot of work to do in making society a fairer and better place for all.

Public stoning decriminalized in Israel

Groundbreaking and precedent setting law passed in the Holy Land

TEL AVIV, ISRAEL — A proposal by Israel’s Public Security and Justice ministries shocked the world today as it was passed by the cabinet.According to Gilad Erdan, Public Security Minister, the measure is to put emphasis on “treatment instead of criminal enforcement.” According to the law, repeat offences in public are only punished criminally after being caught four times in public, otherwise there is only a small fine that is to be paid.

Both being and getting stoned in the Middle East as a whole is a recreational activity that has been practiced for hundreds of years, according to APR’s Chief Everything Non-US Affairs Correspondent Catherine Wyman. “As with some other things that we see in society, getting stoned is an activity that a majority of the people in the MIddle East enjoy but for whatever reason it’s a criminal offence in so many of these places.” Israel will be the first in the region to stand out and make the already popular pastime legal.

Jerusalem, the holy city caught in the middle of a fight between two non-legitimate entities, has been the scene of several small scale rallies with both Muslims and Jews celebrating the “return to traditional values shared by both sides.” For generations both sides have happily agreed on the issue, so occasions like this are ones where Jews and Muslims alike can come together.

Common ground has been difficult to find, but it’s clear that Israel is looking for it. Both faiths in the holy land can now be stoned in public, as both religions expressly allow.

UPDATE: For clarity sake, APR would like to state that what is being decriminalized is weed, not throwing rocks at people to the death.

Rachel Dolezal fully embraces her black identity, becomes unemployed and goes on food stamps

A civil rights champion taking strides to fulfil her life’s dream

SPOKANE, WA — Rachel Dolezal, former President of the NAACP chapter in Spokane, has fully transitioned into her new African American identity and is now unemployed and on food stamps. In a statement that she scrawled on the side of the YMCA with spraypaint, Dolezal said that she is happy to fully embody the “true black experience in America.” She went on to say discuss her, “struggle making paper”.

Dolezal has received criticism from many who believe that she can’t be transrace and that race isn’t something that can be fluid. Ronald Gentry, some hick we found, says “you ain’t just gonna go to sleep and wake up a nigger. You’re born it!” After promptly being arrested for hate speech, Gentry continued; “All I’m sayin is, that ain’t somethin’ you change.”

For Dolezal, criticism has always been a struggle; But coming to terms with her identity has been an even bigger one. According to past interviews, she has said that she has always felt like a black woman; That being said, it has been very apparent that she has been taking half measures with her identity as a black woman.

This morning however, this has changed with the announcement that she is going to continue living the rest of her life with a genuine black identity. The biggest thing Dolezal wanted to account for in her life was the achievement gap in the US; She took to depriving herself of oxygen for extended periods of time to drop her IQ by 12 points, a big step on the way to embodying the black woman she’s always wanted to become. A change that has been most publicised by the civil rights icon is a push to live on food stamps and unemployment benefits.

Rachel Dolezal is well on her way to living the life that that she has wanted to live for her whole life. She also plans to have several kids and raise them to be slaves to a system built to disenfranchise them. Truly the American Dream!