Fuck! My vacation plans to France this summer are ruined!

What an absolute bummer, man! For those not in the know, the historic Notre-Dame Cathedral is burning to the ground as I’m writing this and I can’t help but be sad about it. I mean, my vacation to France this summer was gonna be perfect. The Louvre, Eiffel Tower, Notre-Dame — I had the PERFECT plan. But no. Nothing can go my way ever. I don’t want to make this all about me, I’m not that kinda person, but goddamn, guys. My plans this summer are fucked. The cathedral was fine for the last 800-something years and now it decides…

LOL! This “teen polyglot” can’t even fully articulate a pharyngeal fricative!

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Local teen, Louis Fellman, 18, has been pretending to be a polyglot for several years, but today has been caught red-handed by his peers after not being able to fully articulate the very commonly used pharyngeal fricative. His now former best friend, Tony Moss, recounted the experience with us earlier this morning in a sit-down interview “When we all asked him if he could give us just one, clean pharyngeal fricative, and he stupidly said a velar lateral approximant instead, we knew his ass was a poser. Like, from day one. He says he can speak Russian, Italian,…

Opinion: Saudi Arabia is the most forward-thinking, progressive, and free nation in the world

Saudi Arabia, as many of you might believe, is a “backward” nation riddled with corruption and medieval values. It’s quite the contrary. I would like to assert that Saudi Arabia is actually way more progressive and forward thinking than all of the western propaganda you consume would like for you to believe. Here are my reasons why Saudi Arabia isn’t as bad as you think it is. Royal Family The first important thing to note to mention is that they have a royal family! Not everyone knows that, but it’s true! Who doesn’t love a monarchy that that can’t be challenged and…

Did Saudi Arabia just ban satire because they’re scared of this sex tape with Mohammed bin Salman and an alien we found?

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA — APR’s Saudi Arabia branch was prepared to have a field day with a sex tape we uncovered earlier this week featuring the Saudi Prince Mohammed bin Salman and an alien in a Make America Great Again hat, but now is legally obligated to not write any satire about it due to a ban on such writing that would “disrupt public order”. Ahmad bin Sharif, an Arab guy we found who was really pumped to draw a cartoon about this, says the part he’s most disappointed about is the fact that he can’t draw his favorite part…

We gave weed ‘for the first time’ to Baby Boomers who pretend they didn’t smoke in the 60s. Here’s what they think.

For 4/20, APR dug through Facebook to find local Baby Boomers who could come to our office and pretend they hadn’t had weed in their teens and 20s as to appear morally superior so we could get their thoughts on their ‘first time’ using the recreational drug. David (63) — “I get it. I get the happy feeling and what not, but why does it have to be legalized? I’m smiling and I’m having fun, but since when is that a right? I’m sorry, I’m just uncomfortable with all of this.” David got out of his chair, curled up in…

LGBT Voices: Meet the gay couple that’s taking their transgender child to conversion therapy

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — A local gay couple, Jerry and Francis Jameson, has decided that they will be taking their transgender child, aged 16, to conversion therapy. This is in order to repair what they told us is the “degenerative brain dysfunction of transgenderism.” Their child, who asked remain unnamed but his name is Thomas, is going through a phase where he believes that he was born in the wrong body and would like to someday go through surgery to correct for this.  For now, he dresses in such a way as to appear female and acts as a woman as well, like…

Top 5 things that could have happened if abortion was illegal

The negative impact of abortion on society is immeasurable and very real. The butterfly effect tells us that a single event, such as the murder of a child in this case, can throw the universe out of balance and change the course of humanity in unpredictable ways. That’s why we’ve rounded up the top five things that could have happened, or been solved by now if abortion was illegal. 5.) An end to racism Let’s imagine a world where there is no racism. That very easily could have been the world we’d be living in right now. But because of…