What an absolute bummer, man!

For those not in the know, the historic Notre-Dame Cathedral is burning to the ground as I’m writing this and I can’t help but be sad about it.

I mean, my vacation to France this summer was gonna be perfect. The Louvre, Eiffel Tower, Notre-Dame — I had the PERFECT plan.

But no. Nothing can go my way ever. I don’t want to make this all about me, I’m not that kinda person, but goddamn, guys. My plans this summer are fucked.

The cathedral was fine for the last 800-something years and now it decides to burn? Months before my first trip to France?? This is so unfair. I can’t believe I’m being punished like this.

I was given the task today to write a piece on the fire, the chaos on the ground, the art that has been saved, and more, but I just can’t wrap my head around this cosmic injustice. Like, couldn’t the building just not catch fire for a few more months?? I don’t care if it catches on fire as I’m leaving, just not before I visit.

What am I even supposed to do now? My whole summer has been irreversibly ruined and I know it’s because I’m being punished for something.

Ugh!

Note from the editor: APR’s Editorial Staff have reached out to God for comment, and God has confirmed that our Senior Staff Contributor, Janice Michaels, is indeed being punished for stealing sandwiches from the break room. Fuck off, Janice. You deserve this.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Local teen, Louis Fellman, 18, has been pretending to be a polyglot for several years, but today has been caught red-handed by his peers after not being able to fully articulate the very commonly used pharyngeal fricative. His now former best friend, Tony Moss, recounted the experience with us earlier this morning in a sit-down interview

“When we all asked him if he could give us just one, clean pharyngeal fricative, and he stupidly said a velar lateral approximant instead, we knew his ass was a poser. Like, from day one. He says he can speak Russian, Italian, Greek, Portuguese, Mandarin, Swahili, Hebrew, and a couple of others I can’t remember, but now I’m not sure. What a joke.”

When we asked Louis about, he said he’s unable to shake the feeling that he has disappointed everyone he has met or will ever meet. Or at least that’s what we think he said. We couldn’t hear him over his lateralized alveolar approximant.

He also told us today that he doesn’t even know the difference between an alveolar lateral fricative and a postalveolar lateral fricative. What a loser!

Saudi Arabia, as many of you might believe, is a “backward” nation riddled with corruption and medieval values. It’s quite the contrary. I would like to assert that Saudi Arabia is actually way more progressive and forward thinking than all of the western propaganda you consume would like for you to believe. Here are my reasons why Saudi Arabia isn’t as bad as you think it is.

Royal Family

The first important thing to note to mention is that they have a royal family! Not everyone knows that, but it’s true! Who doesn’t love a monarchy that that can’t be challenged and has insane power that no other entity has the ability to check?? The west loves to point at this as a “bad” thing, but they really have no ammo when arguing their point. I mean, look at it! They have a king!

Religion

If you want an example of what a good state-sponsored religion is, look no further. Wahhabi Islam is simply the greatest thing that has happened to Islam. You thought Islam was cool before? Try out the literal, extremely conservative interpretation of the faith called Wahhabi Islam! The coolest part is that Wahhabism can kinda say whatever it wants and it will be protected and fought for tooth and nail by liberals who will call any extreme decree okay in their cultural context and just misunderstood by the west.

Women

Saudi Arabia is a bastion of women’s rights and honestly, that goes without saying. First and foremost, we need to talk about women covering up. It is a FACT that in Saudi Arabia, women have a CHOICE to either be covered from head to toe anytime they’re out OR be punished for it brutally whether socially or legally. Wow! That kind of freedom to choose is just not there in western countries.

Morality

Morality and Saudi Arabia go hand in hand. You’ll likely be pleased to hear, in fact, that Saudi Arabia is so great with this that they’re on the Human Rights Council for the UN! You don’t just talk your way into that! Or provide the world with such a large amount of oil that everyone will just kinda ignore any human rights violations you commit as to not disturb the flow of oil. That’s just unheard of! Not much else even needs to be said quite frankly! I’ll formulate arguments the second the world sees Saudi Arabia as a morally corrupt nation, but now everyone seems to agree they’re just fine!

Conclusion

Now, while I haven’t been to Saudi Arabia and don’t plan on it, I’m thinking it’s a pretty cool place! We should try being less tough on it in the west and understand that they’re not a “worse” society because of “massive limitations on basic human rights”. They’re in fact a way cooler place than anywhere in the west!

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA — APR’s Saudi Arabia branch was prepared to have a field day with a sex tape we uncovered earlier this week featuring the Saudi Prince Mohammed bin Salman and an alien in a Make America Great Again hat, but now is legally obligated to not write any satire about it due to a ban on such writing that would “disrupt public order”.

Ahmad bin Sharif, an Arab guy we found who was really pumped to draw a cartoon about this, says the part he’s most disappointed about is the fact that he can’t draw his favorite part of the tape where the prince uses a bottle of Yemeni children’s blood as lube with the alien.

“The alien, by the way, was definitely a man, despite the fact that he was in fact not human. That’s not a bad thing, I just wanted to clarify. It just sucks that I can’t joke about any of this without fear of punishment. The actual tape is no big deal, it’s just a real shame we can’t joke about it.”

We reached out to Mohammed and his family for comment but all they said was that the hat wasn’t a MAGA hat but was, in fact, a parody “Make Russia Great Again” hat.

For 4/20, APR dug through Facebook to find local Baby Boomers who could come to our office and pretend they hadn’t had weed in their teens and 20s as to appear morally superior so we could get their thoughts on their ‘first time’ using the recreational drug.

person-portrait-professional-profession-speaker-senior-citizen-247581-pxhere.com (1)

David (63) — “I get it. I get the happy feeling and what not, but why does it have to be legalized? I’m smiling and I’m having fun, but since when is that a right? I’m sorry, I’m just uncomfortable with all of this.”

David got out of his chair, curled up in the corner, and started crying; According to him, he’s been in a bad spot mentally since ’82 when his favorite band, The Jam, broke up.

 

man-person-people-road-old-portrait-621994-pxhere.com

Richard (72) — “So, computers. Right? That iPhone on the table? If you think about it, that’s all of the paper in the world in your pocket. Isn’t that something?”

 

For retirees, by retirees

Linda (72)  — “The only other time I had this it was more of a tingling feeling in my body, but this time it’s a feeling in my head. Now, why is that, Michael? I mean, um. Excuse me. Can that be off the record please?”

Michael (75) —Michael was asked how he felt, but he just fell asleep shortly after smoking.

 

man-person-people-plant-woman-flower-807134-pxhere.com.jpg

Patricia (71) — “Ahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahaha!”

 

man-person-people-road-old-portrait-621994-pxhere.com

Richard, again (72) — “Because if you think about it, what is your phone even? It’s just papers. And that’s what I’m trying to say. That’s all I’m saying.”

 

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — A local gay couple, Jerry and Francis Jameson, has decided that they will be taking their transgender child, aged 16, to conversion therapy. This is in order to repair what they told us is the “degenerative brain dysfunction of transgenderism.”

Their child, who asked remain unnamed but his name is Thomas, is going through a phase where he believes that he was born in the wrong body and would like to someday go through surgery to correct for this.  For now, he dresses in such a way as to appear female and acts as a woman as well, like requesting his employer to pay him 23%, which they’ve graciously accepted.

Jerry and Francis are not quite convinced that such a thing is legitimate. They believe that their child has been brainwashed by media and the internet. We sat down and spoke with the fathers of the 16-year-old in between episodes of Glee, and asked them specifically what they found to be so wrong with being trans. Jerry tells us that Thomas is just really gay and doesn’t want to admit it.

“What’s happening is that he’s gay and in denial to such a point where he wants to become a girl so he can call himself ‘straight.’ You know what I mean? It’s not a real thing. It’s just a kid’s way of telling us he’s really gay but he doesn’t know exactly how to say it. I know me and my husband didn’t raise our child this way.”

Francis, who himself was taken to conversion therapy and was not changed by it, believes the treatment doesn’t work for gay people, but surely must work for trans people. He told us during a commercial break for Glee that it doesn’t work on gay people because being gay is fine, but should work well for trans people because they’re amoral degenerates.

The conversion therapy for Thomas, who again reminded us he didn’t want to be named as we left his home, is set for next month and he’s absolutely devastated.

Francis tells us, though, it’s all an act. “It was very clear through the fake tears that there is a boy just trying to weasel his way into girls bathrooms at the end of the day, and it’s disgusting.”

Happy Trans Visibility Day from LGBT Voices and the whole APR staff!

UPDATE: The family has received push back since this article being posted from groups claiming to be pro-trans. After some research, it has been found that all have been trolls, as there are no actual people who are pro-trans.

 

The negative impact of abortion on society is immeasurable and very real. The butterfly effect tells us that a single event, such as the murder of a child in this case, can throw the universe out of balance and change the course of humanity in unpredictable ways. That’s why we’ve rounded up the top five things that could have happened, or been solved by now if abortion was illegal.

5.) An end to racism

Race

Let’s imagine a world where there is no racism. That very easily could have been the world we’d be living in right now. But because of abortion, this is not the case. There was a woke, blue-haired, liberal kid that would have been born somewhere in the US who could have crafted the tweet that ended racism, but sadly not. Because that child was killed, there is more racism and more hate in the world.

4.) A solution for Palestine and Israel both are happy with and leave both with exactly what they want

israel-palestine-flags-600x400

You may be thinking to yourself that abortion is not legal in much of the Middle East so they’re already living in utopia, primed to arrive at an answer to this crisis. But that’s where you’re wrong. The solution will surely not come from them, but the United States. If they wanted to solve it, they would have by now. With that said, our terrible abortion policy has allowed the person who would have fixed it all to be needlessly killed.

3.) A world where Dr. Who is not on TV and everyone agrees it’s objectively a bad show

ba3a2ce1d59a854d-600x400

Dr. Who is a program that has been on TV for far too long and the child that would have put an end to this disgusting program is sadly not with us. We’ve grown far too apathetic in the face of this behemoth that has stunted both the minds of children and culture as a whole. It’s undeniable that legalized abortion is to blame for this. All it would have taken to stop this decades-long tragedy was just one child. And unfortunately that child was never born, leaving us with this global epidemic.

2) Vaccines that don’t cause autism

HIV-hepatitis-C-vaccine-may-be-possible-study-says

You’d think by now that they would have come up with vaccines that don’t cause autism, right? Well, perhaps the medical profession could be able to do it with more doctors. But instead, we live in a world where the future doctor to invent such a thing is no longer with us. So now we must live in this hellscape where beautiful minds are being left behind and scrapped for absolutely no reason.

1.) Cure to cancer

doctor-tablet-600x400.jpg

We’re giving you a double dose of medicine in this list. Cancer is one of the biggest killers but with our stance on abortion being where it is in this country, you’d almost think that we get off on the idea of millions dying in pain due to cancer. It’s a sad state of affairs when mothers are knowingly discarding the life of what could have been the doctor to put an end to cancer. Have we no forward thinking people in our country to keep in mind what we could be missing out on in the future by being so shortsighted in allowing abortion?

GILBERT, AZ — An Arizona construction company, J.H. Wilson Labor, has announced today that they will be laying off all of their male employees (some pictured above) and replacing them with women to “kill two birds with one stone,” according to their CEO and Founder John Wilson.

“We’re doing it for two reasons specifically. First is to save money, and second is to bump up diversity numbers. Both are important and we can do both by getting rid of all men in our workforce and replacing them with women. I mean, shit. We do illegal stuff to save a few bucks here and there. You’re telling me we can save 23% legally and automatically by just not hiring men? I’m there.”

When we asked him to comment on whether or not he would also be leaving his position as CEO, he promptly asked us to leave his office.

The biggest worry the company has is whether or not they can even find women who want to or are able to take the hard labor jobs that will be opening up. The answer most people come to when asked about this is no, and after even the lightest research, we found that the answer is a hard no.

We spoke to Alexandra Philips, a local feminist, through email about this move and she described it as “a huge bummer.”

“When we said we wanted gender equality in careers, we meant in, like…better jobs? Like tech jobs! Gender equality doesn’t mean making women do hard labor. The company is well within their rights, but, like, honestly, if they want to be helpful, they should keep their status quo with male employees and instead give women the top-level jobs. Women deserve those top-level jobs.”

After being asked why she thinks construction is 3% women and if she believes there’s an underlying factor causing that, she replied with, “It’s just unladylike to work construction, okay?”

This isn’t a new thing in business, though. Companies in Silicon Valley have been pushing for more women in tech, as mentioned by Philips, but they’ve been less honest. Those companies, when discussing it, make it seem like they care about diversity, while it’s actually a huge saving for them.

J.H. Wilson Labor isn’t necessarily leading the world on inclusiveness with women, but they’re surely leading on transparency when it comes to it.

Happy International Women’s Day from everyone at APR!

MOORESVILLE, AL — The Mooresville School District announced today that they will be introducing a program in its elementary and middle schools where students will have the opportunity to get to take home the “class gun.”

District Superintendent Carolyn Gilden said that after the Parkland school shooting this Valentine’s Day, she does not believe the real issues that caused the shooting are the usual suspects in these debates, but that our country has yet to normalize guns, making the gun a wonder that makes kids —and later in life, adults— nervous.

So this small town in Alabama is working to correct the mystification of guns from the source: In the new program each student is allowed to take home a shared gun, issued to each homeroom class, that they have to take care of for a weekend. Care, according to Gilden, includes things like cleaning and inspection of the weapon.

Gilden released a statement explaining why the program is important to her students and what potential benefit such a program could provide:

“When things are restricted from kids to see, touch, or experience, the kids gravitate toward it more. And by giving them a gun to take care of, they feel normal around the weapon so it’s less of a fear. And also, we believe this will discourage any school shootings in the future two-fold. First, every class now has a weapon in the teacher’s desk. If a shooter were to try and harm students, there would be a defensive weapon at the ready for the teacher to use. Second, making the gun more of a normality means that any school shooter will have to do something more creative to receive the validation that all of them so desperately want. Overall, we just want to cultivate a community of people who understand guns and know how to take care of them.”

The move is seen by many in the community as a controversial one. Some believe giving each homeroom a gun to share amongst the students is basically communism, while others believe it’s ablest, as kids with ADHD won’t be able to get enough one-on-one time with the gun.

MIAMI, FL — Anthony Myers, 48, (pictured above) was sitting in his Miami home earlier this morning when he was confronted with several social media posts all urging for action to be taken following the tragedy in Parkland this Wednesday, and he asked himself a question many of us all ask after each of these tragedies.

“I dunno. It’s just, I’m getting to be an old guy and I don’t really have all of that energy I used to. Nothing is gonna happen with this gun business, so why should I even care?”

Myers, a lifelong Democrat, says that when he was younger he was always hoping for tighter restrictions on guns but now feels conflicted. He could either spend the little amount of mental energy he has left on “getting the ball rolling or at least something,” as a Facebook post he showed us said, or he could just say he supports the cause to look good while not actually doing anything to help solve the gun issue, just as everyone else does.

“Does that make me a bad guy? You got these kids virtually screaming at me saying something’s gotta be done, I’ve got my wife telling me she wishes I’d cook for her like I used to, my kids don’t call anymore; I’m a busy guy. Just give me the bumper sticker or whatever you’re selling and that’s it.”

Julia Myers, 47, shares her husband’s sentiment and agrees that he should do more cooking like he used to do for her.

“Those were the days. My Tony used to treat me so well and now all he does is talk to me about cryptocurrency and why Millennials have it so bad. I’m sorry, what was the question?”

APR Intern Ed Harrison hadn’t actually asked any question, but when he pressed her for comment about the gun issue she said, “Wait why do you ask? Did another shooting happen?” She then quickly ran to her kitchen, pulled out a “Schools must be safe for our children” bumper sticker from a drawer, and put it on her Prius parked in the driveway.