Construction company to start hiring exclusively women to save 23% on wages

GILBERT, AZ — An Arizona construction company, J.H. Wilson Labor, has announced today that they will be laying off all of their male employees (some pictured above) and replacing them with women to “kill two birds with one stone,” according to their CEO and Founder John Wilson. “We’re doing it for two reasons specifically. First is to save money, and second is to bump up diversity numbers. Both are important and we can do both by getting rid of all men in our workforce and replacing them with women. I mean, shit. We do illegal stuff to save a few…

Small-town school district to start ‘pet gun’ program to teach kids how to care for a handgun

MOORESVILLE, AL — The Mooresville School District announced today that they will be introducing a program in its elementary and middle schools where students will have the opportunity to get to take home the “class gun.” District Superintendent Carolyn Gilden said that after the Parkland school shooting this Valentine’s Day, she does not believe the real issues that caused the shooting are the usual suspects in these debates, but that our country has yet to normalize guns, making the gun a wonder that makes kids —and later in life, adults— nervous. So this small town in Alabama is working to…

Man confused if he should actually care about gun control or pretend like he does until everyone else forgets about it

MIAMI, FL — Anthony Myers, 48, (pictured above) was sitting in his Miami home earlier this morning when he was confronted with several social media posts all urging for action to be taken following the tragedy in Parkland this Wednesday, and he asked himself a question many of us all ask after each of these tragedies. “I dunno. It’s just, I’m getting to be an old guy and I don’t really have all of that energy I used to. Nothing is gonna happen with this gun business, so why should I even care?” Myers, a lifelong Democrat, says that when…

Kim Jong Un believes Yoplait with granola is “worth the extra $3,” defector says

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA – A high level North Korean defector, Jun Yi, spoke out yesterday at the UN describing previously unknown facets of Kim’s personal life, such as his affinity for Yoplait with granola and many more disturbing details. Yi, age 46, a party leader, first tried to defect from North Korea in 2009 under the guise of “making a quick run to Target,” but was told to “come up with a better one, we just went shopping.” Years later, Yi and his family found their lucky break when Kim was low on groceries and they made their escape. When they…