Earth Day is today, apparently, and I’m honestly getting sick of this nonsense. The only reason why Earth Day is still even a thing in 2018 is because we need a Hallmark holiday to remind ourselves to not be complete pieces of shit about our Earth.

So, y’know what? I’m done pandering. From now on, environmentalism is ONLY big action. Environmentalism is ONLY drastic change. We are NOT saving the world by putting our paper and glass in different colored bins. How we will change things is by doing something big.

I want everyone who is reading this to go outside, flip their car, and burn it. Right now. Dispose of your filthy vehicle. And DO NOT just “sell it.” That thought process is problematic as hell. Would you “just sell” a barrel of radioactive material? No. You’d flip that shit in your driveway and burn it to make sure it’s gone for good.

The whole idea of buying and selling cars makes me feel dirty. I mean, who actually does that?! It’s so perverse and slimy but we all just do it so casually. Would you buy and sell a human? It’s basically the same thing. Except it’s worse because cars are actively destroying the Earth, killing our children, and prolonging wars in the Middle East.

I’m not saying anything too wild here. I need every car in the United States DESTROYED by midnight. And don’t think simply pushing it off a bridge will do. That shit will be salvaged and sold off to third world countries where they know less and they’ll hurt the environment even more. Total it. Starting April 23, NOBODY should have a car. That is how change is made. All at once.

If I see even one car on the highway tomorrow while I’m on my commute to work (Sorry but I CANNOT destroy my car as it’s the only mode of transportation and I’m actually going through a hard time right and need this job, but I am pledging to recycle starting next week to do my part!), I’m going to scream. I literally can’t handle all of you fakes.


HOLLYWOOD, FL — Crown Cruise Line has announced that they are unveiling a next-generation cruiseliner that doesn’t rely on fossil fuels to run. Instead, the luxury vessel requires its passengers to row to their destination.

Crown Cruise Line CEO Mathew Gordon said in an email that this is an important move to help curb his company’s impact on global climate change.

“Boats are the number one polluters in the world,” Gordon wrote. “We feel it is our duty as citizens of the Earth to stop as much of it as possible. In this life, we have to make sacrifices for the greater good. Our company is willing to let go of some luxury and some comfort for the greater good.”

Environmentalists are outraged by the planned switch to manual cruise ships because they believe the toll it will have on the environment will be unlike anything the world has ever seen.

Gordon says his company does have plans to cut down every tree in North America to produce the boats. APR’s Chief Tree Hugging Correspondent Elizabeth James reports that with the number of boats that need to be made there will surely make a negative impact on the globe.

But many are skeptical of these supposed negative effects. Victor Polanski, an adamant denier of the environment, says there’s nothing to fear.

“You’re getting points at the front end, and they’re taking some at the back. It’s a win-lose that evens out to a neutral. That’s not that bad. Cut down all of the trees in North America, but then you got carbon-neutral boats. Pretty good.”

The second phase of the plan is to roll out cargo ships of the same nature about 2 years after the roll out of the cruise liners. According to Gordon, big brands are already investing in these eco-friendly ships.