ATLANTA, GA — The city of Atlanta was rocked earlier this morning when Adam Cole, a 43-year-old white man, was brutally killed in his friend’s basement after allegedly referring to a black man in his group of peers as “his nigga” with a nigga pass that has been expired for several months.

Cole received his first pass from a middle school friend at the age of 12, according to his mother, Irene Cole, and had gone back to that same friend to get the pass renewed yearly.

“I always reminded him as a kid to get his pass renewed, but he’d never listen. He didn’t deserve to die, but I don’t know what he expected when being so careless. You know how they get. Those dangerous nig—”

She cut herself off to rummage through her purse to pull out her pass, which doesn’t expire until next fall, and she finished her statement with the n-word— with a hard r.

The man who killed Cole is 38-year-old Andre Allen, who told us that he feels bad he had to do it, but that there was no other way to resolve the issue.

“This shit ain’t a game, bruh. You know what I’m sayin’? You don’t have a pass, you keep that word out yo mouth, you feel me?”

Allen was arrested and immediately released after telling authorities that putting him in handcuffs and holding him triggers his PTSD (post-traumatic slave disorder).

All white readers are reminded to renew their pass and to present it to the nearest black person upon use of the n-word.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Starting this June, Minneapolis is getting its very own Cold War reenactment. The roughly 45 year long mega-event, funded by an anonymous Cold War enthusiast, is slated to revive all of the events of the war every day until 2062, when a mock “Berlin wall” separating Minneapolis and St. Paul will be torn down and the two sides are reunited.

James Torres, a long-time war reenactor and organizer of this event, tells us that that the next half century in the Minneapolis/St.Paul area will be one to look forward to.

“The part we’re most excited about is the interactive aspect of it. With other war reenactments, there’s a clear split between those acting out the war and those who are spectating. With this though, we’ve introduced a whole new dimension for spectators to join in the fun.”

“The biggest activity that spectators can participate in will be building nearly 65,000 nuclear bombs over several decades and dismantling them over a few more,” Torres tells us. “Kids especially will have fun helping either the Soviets or the US build up their arsenal or, at one of our camps in the summer, young people can build their own mini nukes to take home!”

Another activity to look forward to at around the 15 year mark of the reenactment will be a wall that will divide Minneapolis and St.Paul. Jason Stanley, the actor set to play Ronald Reagan in the recreation of the famous speech at Brandenburg Gate, says he’s excited for the wall in particular. “I’ve got until 2059 to practice that speech, and I think I’ve got it down pretty good!”

The several times both sides have come close to accidentally annihilating themselves will also be reproduced and according to the organizers, will be just as scary as the real life counterparts.

“We use real nukes and real machinery which give the whole thing a level of authenticity that will help sell the illusion to spectators,” Torres told us today.

This reenactment will be a nice enhancement to the Twin Cities area and will go along perfectly with the planned Iraq War reenactment on the outskirts of Minneapolis.