MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Happening now as this is being written, our live broadcast of the Oscars was cut short after a hole in the space-time continuum opened up in the office. The meeting room, where the hole is, was the location of an alleged debate between two APR employees who were arguing over the merits of covering the Oscars. An eyewitness says that the hole opening was preceded by Satan, a frequent APR contributor, getting upset at the argument and storming into the room.
We reached out to Satan and he only said, “There’s always merit in covering the entertainment industry.” We honestly aren’t quite sure why Satan had to tear the fabric of the universe open to make a point, but now that it has killed 6 employees already, upper management is asking APR to halt any live broadcasting. We apologize for any inconvenience. Honestly though, it’s the Oscars. You’re not missing much. Just watch last year’s show and replace some of the white ones with black ones.
This story will be updated as developments develop
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Starting this June, the Minneapolis getting its very own Cold War reenactment. The roughly 45 year long mega-event, funded by an anonymous Cold War enthusiast, is slated to revive all of the events of the war every day until 2062 when a mock “Berlin wall” separating Minneapolis and St. Paul will be torn down and the two sides are reunited.
James Torres, a long-time war reenactor and organizer of this event, tells us that that the next half century in the Minneapolis/St.Paul area will be one to look forward to. “The part we’re most excited about is the interactive aspect of it. With other war reenactments, there’s a clear split between those acting out the war and those who are spectating. With this though, we’ve introduced a whole new dimension for spectators to join in the fun.” The biggest activity that spectators can participate in, according to the organizers of the event, will be “building nearly 65,000 nuclear bombs over several decades and dismantling them over a few more.” Torres tells us, “Kids especially will have fun helping either the Soviets or the US build up their arsenal or, at one of our camps in the summer, young people can build their own mini nukes to take home!”
Another activity to look forward to at around the 15 year mark of the reenactment will be a wall that will divide Minneapolis and St.Paul. Jason Stanley, the actor set to play Ronald Reagan in the recreation of the famous speech at Brandenburg Gate, says he’s excited for the wall in particular. “I’ve got until 2059 to practice that speech and I think I’ve got it down pretty good!”
The several times both sides have come close to accidently annihilating themselves will also be reproduced and according to the organizers, will be just as scary as the real life counterparts. “We use real nukes and real machinery which give the whole thing a level of authenticity that will help sell the illusion to spectators,” Torres told us today.
This reenactment will be a nice enhancement to the Twin Cities area and will go along perfectly with the Iraq War reenactment on the outskirts of Minneapolis!
We at APR wish our founder the happiest of birthdays!
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Today, the offices of APR News are abuzz with excitement because today is the birthday of our founder, Abu Hameed Hassani Sheikh Abdul-Qasim.
Turning 326, he says he’s celebrating like he does every birthday; Trying not to spill drinks in the casket. “I hate being buried in the ground for 364 days a year with the smell of drinks in there. It’s awful cause if there’s a spot we miss, we gotta wait until next year when I’m brought back up to fix it; it’s a disaster all around,” he told us in an impromptu all hands meeting this morning.
Abu Hameed Hassani Sheikh Abdul-Qasim was born in what would become Minneapolis in 1691. There are no records of his birth or who his parents are, but he insists we stop asking about it. As a young boy, he’s always had zero interest in news or journalism, but after his 3rd death in 1869 he grew fascinated with it and later started APR News. He was the Chief Editor and Chief Reincarnation and Resurrection Correspondent until 1953 until his final passing when he decided to only resurrect himself on his birthdays.
In honor of our founder’s birthday, we are all taking the rest of the day off but will resume normal reporting tomorrow, barring some global catastrophe that needs to be addressed.
Happy birthday, Abu Hameed Hassani Sheikh Abdul-Qasim!