What an absolute bummer, man!

For those not in the know, the historic Notre-Dame Cathedral is burning to the ground as I’m writing this and I can’t help but be sad about it.

I mean, my vacation to France this summer was gonna be perfect. The Louvre, Eiffel Tower, Notre-Dame — I had the PERFECT plan.

But no. Nothing can go my way ever. I don’t want to make this all about me, I’m not that kinda person, but goddamn, guys. My plans this summer are fucked.

The cathedral was fine for the last 800-something years and now it decides to burn? Months before my first trip to France?? This is so unfair. I can’t believe I’m being punished like this.

I was given the task today to write a piece on the fire, the chaos on the ground, the art that has been saved, and more, but I just can’t wrap my head around this cosmic injustice. Like, couldn’t the building just not catch fire for a few more months?? I don’t care if it catches on fire as I’m leaving, just not before I visit.

What am I even supposed to do now? My whole summer has been irreversibly ruined and I know it’s because I’m being punished for something.

Ugh!

Note from the editor: APR’s Editorial Staff have reached out to God for comment, and God has confirmed that our Senior Staff Contributor, Janice Michaels, is indeed being punished for stealing sandwiches from the break room. Fuck off, Janice. You deserve this.

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA — APR’s Saudi Arabia branch was prepared to have a field day with a sex tape we uncovered earlier this week featuring the Saudi Prince Mohammed bin Salman and an alien in a Make America Great Again hat, but now is legally obligated to not write any satire about it due to a ban on such writing that would “disrupt public order”.

Ahmad bin Sharif, an Arab guy we found who was really pumped to draw a cartoon about this, says the part he’s most disappointed about is the fact that he can’t draw his favorite part of the tape where the prince uses a bottle of Yemeni children’s blood as lube with the alien.

“The alien, by the way, was definitely a man, despite the fact that he was in fact not human. That’s not a bad thing, I just wanted to clarify. It just sucks that I can’t joke about any of this without fear of punishment. The actual tape is no big deal, it’s just a real shame we can’t joke about it.”

We reached out to Mohammed and his family for comment but all they said was that the hat wasn’t a MAGA hat but was, in fact, a parody “Make Russia Great Again” hat.

Daylight Savings Time is coming this weekend, so we are reminding all readers to be sure their clocks go forward one hour, but also to keep in mind that this is the perfect time to catch Donald Trump off guard.

We have to always be resisting the Trump administration and that means using systems we have in place to impede him from setting forth his disgusting agenda on America.

What if this Daylight Savings Time, we all came together and used the system to our advantage? It’ll be easy. Sunday at 2am, as usual, set the clock forward an hour to 3am. But also change the date to Nov. 3, 2020. The GOP won’t know what hit them.

Admittedly, we will be missing out on the #BlueMidterm2018, but that’s a price we must pay if we want Trump out as soon as possible.

Daylight Savings Time was started, as many may know, as a way to punish slaves, making them work outside in as many daylight hours as possible. The blacks, after being freed, reclaimed it and embraced it, using it as a way to hold events later in the day such as cookouts and marches. Whites during the industrial revolution appropriated it though and since then it’s been a staple of American life in most states.

It’s a disgusting practice. But let’s make it right.

This year, let’s make Daylight Savings Time work for the people it has hurt historically and against the man oppressing them. All in one motion!

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA – A high level North Korean defector, Jun Yi, spoke out yesterday at the UN describing previously unknown facets of Kim’s personal life, such as his affinity for Yoplait with granola and many more disturbing details.

Yi, age 46, a party leader, first tried to defect from North Korea in 2009 under the guise of “making a quick run to Target,” but was told to “come up with a better one, we just went shopping.”

Years later, Yi and his family found their lucky break when Kim was low on groceries and they made their escape.

When they made it to South Korea, they “just kinda stayed” and are now telling their stories of what it’s like living in the repressive nation of North Korea and, more specifically, what the leader is like personally.

“Even as a high-ranking official, the meals we got were never of any good quality. We were often forced to eat garbage like Chef Boyardee just to survive,” Yi said when describing the struggle he and his family faced during their time in North Korea. “Kim always had his food imported, though, so he always ate the good stuff.”

According to Yi, The Supreme Leader of the country would splurge on many luxuries, specifically citing Yoplait with granola. The $3.98 price tag didn’t deter Kim from getting his fix; he had even been heard to exclaim when pressed that it’s “worth the extra $3.”

Such gross inequality is standard in North Korea. While the poorest of the poor have to make due with eating Kraft Singles with mayo, the North Korean dictator lives in such luxury that a cup of silky, smooth, decadent Yoplait yogurt topped with the beautiful crunch of delicious granola is almost passé.

The inequality problem runs so deep in North Korean culture that it’s unknown whether or not the citizens of the country even are aware of such luxuries. During Yi’s time as a party leader, he ran the many slave camps in the country, and noted to us that the political prisoners and people imprisoned for what their grandparents did “have it easy because they didn’t even know what they were missing. To be honest, I wish I could be eating cabbage or whatever it is they eat and just be blissfully unaware of what I could be eating. I mean, we’re talking Yoplait with granola here,” he told us, almost shouting that last part.

We didn’t reach out to Yoplait for comment, but you can imagine that it would be something along the lines of how good their product is and that they don’t condone slavery or something like that.

Edit: This post is no longer live

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President Trump delivers his first State Of The Union tonight with several controversies looming over head and to a very divided Congress.

(All times are in Central Standard Time) 

7:47pm: Trump leaves White House, has driver go back for his phone

7:49pm: Trump headed to capitol after grabbing his phone and a quick snack

7:52pm: Trump asks driver for last minute tips

7:54pm: Trump arrives at Capitol

7:55pm: Source: Justice Ginsburg not attending, has “other shit to do”

7:59pm: First Lady begrudgingly enters

8:00pm: Trump Cabinet enters

8:01pm: Secretary of Agriculture is designated survivor, in case the “””””unimaginable””””” happens

8:04pm: Trump enters, looking like a “snacc” according to one of our interns

8:10pm: Paul Ryan pretends introducing President Trump is an honor

8:11pm: Trump gets standing ovation for completing a thought for the first time in his presidency

8:12pm-8:17pm: Clapping

8:18pm: “Seek out common ground and give me money for the wall”

8:19pm: Mike Pence tries to not laugh as Trump says the state of our Union is strong

8:20pm: Source: Democrats can’t clap tonight, all have broken hands and wrists

8:21pm: Opamacare lol

8:25pm: Cory to be “in the house” soon

8:27pm: APR will be using its tax cut to buy a coffee machine that actually works for the office

8:30pm: Breaking: America has one flag

8:31pm: Dems take break from their games of Tiny Wings to clap for that flag kid

8:34pm: Trump tries hard to not look into the teleprompter that would force him to look at Democrats

8:37pm: Trump promises to push back job loss to robots by “at least a few months or something. I dunno, man”

8:40pm: You can tell when Pence wrote the part of the speech we’re at because he’ll nod at it extra hard

8:44pm: Trump talks about building things, teases supporters by not saying “wall” yet

8:46pm: Sanders looks pissed af

8:48pm: Trump says “paid family leave”, points to Democrats

8:49pm: Trump brings up the border, Dems groan; Not at anything he’s saying, but because they’re losing at Tiny Wings

8:54pm: Report: There are more than 13 people in MS13. We thought they named it that because that’s how many people there were. Interesting.

8:57pm: Office intern Ashley says, “haha, the bar for immigration is so high I don’t know if my worthless ass would be able to get in if I was an immigrant”

9:03pm: Trump stopped at four pillars as to not draw any comparisons with Islam

9:05pm: God definitely didn’t say anything to this guy… right…? I mean cool dude and all but like… c’mon.

9:08pm: “Fully fund the military so it’s bigger than the next nine combined, not only the next seven combined as it is now”

9:11pm: Never Forget

9:12pm-9:13pm: Clapping

9:14pm: Trump plays Captain Hindsight for a bit

9:18pm: The US just made a whole lot more enemies

9:19pm: “And you get sanctions, and you get sanctions, and you get sanctions!”

9:23pm: North Korean defector stole beautiful clean coal to trade for food or something and now has a radio show. Sorry, we lost focus over here at APR. We’re playing Tiny Wings

9:27pm: Trump retells American history, forgets Native Americans

9:28pm: USA chant… for some reason…?

9:30pm: Trump ends speech, Dems storm out

 

You did it France. Way to go. First the US, and now France. What’s wrong with the world today? Why can’t a perfectly qualified woman with nothing controversial about her just finally get some power in this world?

At every turn, there was some nonsense about how Le Pen is spouting “bigotry” or whatever. Just lies that so many spread because of fear. Fear of a woman leading them.

France, you should be ashamed. After the US election where Donald Trump came out on top, we thought that this sexism was just on the conservative side, but France has proved that bigots are politically agnostic and will stop at nothing to carry out their wishes.

Don’t lie and say that you care about “minorities” or “women.” Not only is Le Pen a woman, but she’s one-third Venusian. You just had to snuff out another disenfranchised minority, didn’t you?

Today will be remembered in French history as the day France came together to take power from an innocent, helpless woman to give it to a man. Disgusting.

ANKARA, TURKEY — After a very obvious win in the referendum to expand his God-given authority, President Erdoğan and his staff are going all out with celebrations, which include the cutest little stuffed ballots for kids to take home after a long night of joy.

We spoke with some kids on the ground in Ankara and they’re all very excited: “I did want to be president when I am older, but I prefer the stability that he will provide me for the rest of my life,” one boy told us.

There is currently a very small minority of people who are upset at the fireworks display Erdoğan supporters are shooting off. So much so that they want to contest the vote to throw their own firework display. They could always just contribute their fireworks to the overall display and make everyone happy, but some just enjoy dissenting for the sake of dissenting.

Some of the very few other opposition members are very vocal in their concern that this is one step closer to Erdoğan never leaving power and taking full control, but c’mon! He said he’d do good things as president. It’s only rational to extend his term so he can do more good things.

The main point of focus here, again, is the children. While they hold their stuffed ballots tonight as they fall asleep, they can rest easy knowing that they don’t have to deal with the hassle of elections, “voting,” debate, and instability that comes with transferring power from one person to another for the rest of their lives. Truly an inspiring day for children in Turkey today.

WASHINGTON D.C. —  In a bold and short statement that has since been overshadowed by Trump bombing Afghanistan, the White House is proposing a compromise between keeping the border secure, and allowing a select few of talented individuals come into the country.

The compromise would be to build, instead of one 30-40 foot wall, to build several 5 foot walls that would need to be jumped over in order to gain entry to the US. This, the statement says, would encourage athletic Mexicans to vault over the walls, while discouraging less desirable ones from coming into the country.

The initial plan of one big beautiful wall was too exclusive, as it would have kept everyone out, but this new proposal relieves strain on the immigration system, while also giving us the competitive edge on the world stage that immigration can give a country.

Specifically, the statement mentions, “the US has a bad track record in athletic events like soccer, while Mexico has had a fairly average one. Not great, but average.” It goes on to propose bringing in Mexican immigrants to boost the US agriculture, lawn care, and auto body work industries.

The proposal is one both sides are coming together on, as both sides agree that the country could benefit from high skilled Immigrants.

The Democrats have yet to see that Trump is essentially proposing the same amount of wall to be built, but that this new one will be spread out over several walls, and to call him on it, as would be expected. As with the Gorsich nomination, Democrats are kinda just taking what they can get. Democratic strategist and APR’s Compromise Correspondent tells us that this is the best thing the Democrats can do.

“The Republicans have full control so the Democrats are left with the choices of a 35 foot wall, or 7 five foot walls. Both aren’t prime, but it’s best to bite the bullet, buy a team USA soccer jersey, and let it happen”

PALM BEACH, FL — Guests staying in one of the elegant guest suites at Mar-a-Lago now have a chance to upgrade to a “Top Secret” package, which includes the perk of sitting in on intelligence briefings and getting to eat dinner with President Trump, Secret Service, and the full cabinet.

A Mar-a-Lago representative told APR this evening that such intimacy with the president is something only they can provide: “With our new package, our guests can experience what it’s like to be one of the president’s top men for the duration of your stay.”

Guests already can receive a complimentary intelligence briefing if they didn’t mind listening to it from a distance, but the resort’s announcement today to make the process to listen in formally shows they’re committing to a superior quality in the guest experience.

The resort has received criticism from the lower and middle class, as they see the upgrade to be unfair. James Hamm, a homeless man who sleeps outside our building, told us today that he’s saddened by it and that he “wish[es] to see the day when the poor can have the same treatment as the rich.” He, an many like him, are worried that the price tag will push the poor further away from the ruling class of Washington.

We’ll just have to let the free market decide if the poor should get the same access!

TEL AVIV, ISRAEL — A proposal by Israel’s Public Security and Justice ministries shocked the world today as it was passed by the cabinet. According to Gilad Erdan, Public Security Minister, the measure is to put emphasis on “treatment instead of criminal enforcement.” According to the law, repeat offenses in public are only punished criminally after being caught four times in public, otherwise there is only a small fine that is to be paid.

Both being and getting stoned in the Middle East as a whole is a recreational activity that has been practiced for hundreds of years, according to APR’s Chief Everything Non-US Affairs Correspondent Catherine Wyman:

“As with some other things that we see in society, getting stoned is an activity that a majority of the people in the Middle East enjoy, but for whatever reason it’s a criminal offense in so many of these places.”

Israel is the first in the region to stand out and make the already popular pastime legal.

Jerusalem, the holy city caught in the middle of a fight between two illegitimate entities, has been the scene of several small scale rallies with both Muslims and Jews celebrating the “return to traditional values shared by both sides.” For generations both sides have happily agreed on the issue, so occasions like this are ones where Jews and Muslims alike can come together.

Common ground has been difficult to find, but it’s clear that Israel is looking for it. Both faiths in the Holy Land can now be stoned in public, as both religions explicitly allow.

UPDATE: For clarity’s sake, APR would like to state that what is being decriminalized is weed, not throwing rocks at people to the death.