Hey, France. Macron won because you’re a sexist.

Today is a sad day for women everywhere

You did it France. Way to go. First the US, and now France. What’s wrong with the world today. Why can’t a perfectly qualified woman with nothing controversial about her just finally get some power in this world.

At every turn, there was some nonsense about how Le Pen is spouting “bigotry” or whatever. Just lies that so many spread because of fear. Fear of a woman leading them.

France, you should be ashamed. After the US election where Donald Trump came out on top, we thought that this sexism was just on the conservative side, but France has proved that bigots are politically agnostic and will stop at nothing to carry out their wishes.

Don’t lie and say that you care about “minorities” or “women”. Not only is Le Pen a woman, but she’s one third Venusian. You just had to snuff out another disenfranchised minority, didn’t you?

Today will be remembered in French history as the day France came together to take power from an innocent, helpless woman to give it to a man. Disgusting.

President Erdoğan handing out stuffed ballots to kids at celebration of referendum victory

They’re honestly the cutest little things things in the world!

ANKARA, TURKEY — After a very obvious win in the referendum to expand his God given authority, President Erdoğan and his staff are going all out with celebrations, which include the cutest little stuffed ballots for kids to take home after a long night of joy.

We spoke with some kids on the ground in Ankara and they’re all very excited: “I did want to be president when I am older, but I prefer the stability that he will provide me for the rest of my life,” one boy told us.

There is currently a very small minority of people who are upset at the fireworks display Erdoğan supporters are shooting off. So much so that they want to contest the vote to throw their own firework display. They could always just contribute their fireworks to the overall display and make everyone happy, but some just enjoy dissenting for the sake of dissenting.

Some of the very few other opposition members are very vocal in their concern that this is one step closer to Erdoğan never leaving power and taking full control, but c’mon! He said he’d do good things as president so let extend his term so he can do more good things.

The main point of focus here, again, is the children. While they hold their stuffed ballots tonight as they fall asleep, they can rest easy knowing that they don’t have to deal with the hassle of elections, “voting”, debate, and instability that comes with transferring power from one person to another for the rest of their lives. Truly an inspiring day for children in Turkey today.

Trump’s border wall compromise: Build series of five foot walls to encourage athletic immigrants to come into US

Trump Administration revamps the plan for a border wall spanning the US-Mexico border

WASHINGTON D.C. —  In a bold and short statement that has since been overshadowed by Trump bombing Afghanistan, the White House is proposing a compromise between keeping the border secure, and allowing a select few of talented individuals come into the country.

The compromise would be to build, instead of one 30-40 foot wall, to build several 5 foot walls that would need to be jumped over in order to gain entry to the US. This, the statement says, would encourage athletic Mexicans to vault over the walls, while discouraging less desirable ones from coming into the country.

The initial plan of one big beautiful wall was too exclusive, as it would have kept everyone out, but this new proposal relieves strain on the immigration system, while also giving us the competitive edge on the world stage that immigration can give a country.

Specifically, the statement mentions, “the US has a bad track record in athletic events like soccer, while Mexico has had a fairly average one. Not great, but average.” It goes on to propose bringing in Mexican immigrants to boost the US agriculture, lawn care, and auto body work industries.

The proposal is one on both sides are coming together on, as both sides agree that the country could benefit from high skilled Immigrants.

The Democrats have yet to see that Trump is essentially proposing the same amount of wall to be built, but that this new one will be spread out over several walls, and to call him on it, as would be expected. As with the Gorsich nomination, Democrats are kinda just taking what they can get. Democratic strategist and APR’s Compromise Correspondent tells us that this is the best thing the Democrats can do.

“The Republicans have full control so the Democrats are left with the choices of a 35 foot wall, or 7 five foot walls. Both aren’t prime, but it’s best to bite the bullet, buy a team USA soccer jersey, and let it happen”

 

Mar-a-Lago to start offering “Top Secret” package, allowing guests to sit in on intelligence briefings

PALM BEACH, FL — Guests staying in one of the elegant guest suites at Mar-a-Lago now have a chance to upgrade to the “Top Secret” package, with the added perk of sitting in on intelligence briefings, and getting to eat a dinner with President Trump, secret service, and the full cabinet.

A Mar-a-Lago representative told APR this evening that such intimacy with the president is something only they can provide; “With our new package, our guests can experience what it’s like to be one of the president’s top men for the duration of your stay.” Guests already could receive a complimentary intelligence briefing if they didn’t mind listening to it from a distance, but the announcement today by the resort to make the process to listen in a formal one shows they’re committing to a superior quality in the guest experience.

The resort has received criticism from the lower and middle class, as they see the upgrade to be unfair. James Hamm, a homeless man who sleeps outside our building, told us today that he’s saddened by it and that “he wish[es] to see the day when the poor can have the same treatment as the rich.” He, are worried that the price tag will push the poor further away from the ruling class of Washington.

We’ll just have to let the free market decide if the poor should get the same access!

Public stoning decriminalized in Israel

Groundbreaking and precedent setting law passed in the Holy Land

TEL AVIV, ISRAEL — A proposal by Israel’s Public Security and Justice ministries shocked the world today as it was passed by the cabinet.According to Gilad Erdan, Public Security Minister, the measure is to put emphasis on “treatment instead of criminal enforcement.” According to the law, repeat offences in public are only punished criminally after being caught four times in public, otherwise there is only a small fine that is to be paid.

Both being and getting stoned in the Middle East as a whole is a recreational activity that has been practiced for hundreds of years, according to APR’s Chief Everything Non-US Affairs Correspondent Catherine Wyman. “As with some other things that we see in society, getting stoned is an activity that a majority of the people in the MIddle East enjoy but for whatever reason it’s a criminal offence in so many of these places.” Israel will be the first in the region to stand out and make the already popular pastime legal.

Jerusalem, the holy city caught in the middle of a fight between two non-legitimate entities, has been the scene of several small scale rallies with both Muslims and Jews celebrating the “return to traditional values shared by both sides.” For generations both sides have happily agreed on the issue, so occasions like this are ones where Jews and Muslims alike can come together.

Common ground has been difficult to find, but it’s clear that Israel is looking for it. Both faiths in the holy land can now be stoned in public, as both religions expressly allow.

UPDATE: For clarity sake, APR would like to state that what is being decriminalized is weed, not throwing rocks at people to the death.

UPDATED LIVE: Official Democratic response to Trump’s congressional address

Edit: This post is no longer live (9:30pm)

Steve Beshear (former Kentucky Governor) to deliver the official Democratic response to President Trump’s first address to congress

STAY TUNED: STARTING SOON

9:23pm — “Working together to find solution”

9:24pm — Calling Trump out for executive orders; Honestly this guy is on a roll

9:25pm — Before Obamacare, everyone prayed to not get sick. Now, with Obamacare, we pray to be sick

9:27pm — Beshear: When people disagree with you, that doesn’t make you an enemy; Illogical

9:29pm — Report: Crowd of people behind Beshear not diverse enough

9:30pm — Beshear rips off pledge of allegiance

9:30pm — End response

UPDATED LIVE: President Trump’s first address to congress

Edit: This post is no longer live (9:10pm)

President Trump is going to address congress at 6:00pm tonight and is expected to talk about several different aspects of what his plan will be for the country.

Read APR’s piece going more into detail about the contents of the speech here.

STAY TUNED: LIVE UPDATES WILL START AT 7:00pm CST

SPEECH STARTS AT 8:00pm CST

7:06pm — Trump to say that the “time for trivial fights is behind us,” retweets a diss at Nordstrom

7:10pm — According to sources, Democratic leaders want the party to remain civil, keep eye rolling as quiet as possible

7:17pm — Bernie Sanders says “yuge” live on CNN, liberals go wild

7:21pm — Source: Ruth Bader Ginsburg will skip address to attend the dress rehearsal for her funeral

7:33pm — Dem. women upset they all arrived in the same outfit

7:36pm — Trump forgets phone on nightstand, runs back to get it

7:38pm — Pence enters chamber, senators fake their excitement

7:39pm-8:03pm — Honestly, you didn’t miss much

8:04pm — PRESIDENT TRUMP ENTERS HOUSE CHAMBER

8:04pm — “Trump’s tie game on fleek”, according to our office intern

8:08pm — Documentary makers already editing scary music in the background of Trump’s introduction

8:09pm — Melania gets standing ovation for some reason

8:10pm — Trump condemns hate

8:11pm — Applause break for Trump completing a grammatically correct sentence

8:14pm — Trump thinks his election shifted tectonic plates

8:15pm — Trump delivers his killer catchphrase with a point at the camera

8:16pm — Trump takes credit for the sun rising: “Wouldn’t have happened without me, folks”

8:17pm — Audible laugh after Trump says that he’s “draining the swamp”

8:19pm — Republicans get the vapors as Trump says “America” as many times as he can

8:24pm — Fear mongering

8:27pm — Democrats so comfortable in their seats, they’re forgetting to give standing ovations

8:29pm — Report: Fact checkers passing out as Trump rattles off stats

8:31pm — Harley Davidson ad read

8:35pm — Crowd laughs when Trump implies he can negotiate

8:39pm — Trump narrowly avoids saying that he wants universal health care

8:40pm — Comes close yet again to saying universal health care

8:42pm — “Make sure no one is left out.” Pretty close to universal health care, if you ask us

8:44pm — Republicans suddenly love the concept of unity

8:46pm — National Rare Disease Day apparently exists

8:48pm — Trump pronounces “Latino” in a way he definitely doesn’t pronounce it in casual conversation

8:50pm — Trump roasts young woman for failing third grade

8:51pm — Murder rates are skyrocketing up, if you’re holding the graph upside down

8:53pm — V.O.I.C.E.; Clever acronym, honestly. Awful. But clever.

8:55pm — Trump unveils sidejob of cherry picking

8:56pm — “Military spending is so low, the US is only number one in the world”

8:57pm — Bucket of cherry stems next to the president’s podium overflowing

9:00pm — Far too much clapping

9:01pm — Still clapping

9:02pm — Bible verse followed by more clapping

9:03pm — America respects the path that nations forge for themselves, unless we don’t and we invade

9:05pm — Something about an “electric pen”…?

9:07pm — Trump gives shoutout to God

9:09pm — Trump: Believe in yourself

9:10pm — END SPEECH