Fuck! My vacation plans to France this summer are ruined!

What an absolute bummer, man! For those not in the know, the historic Notre-Dame Cathedral is burning to the ground as I’m writing this and I can’t help but be sad about it. I mean, my vacation to France this summer was gonna be perfect. The Louvre, Eiffel Tower, Notre-Dame — I had the PERFECT plan. But no. Nothing can go my way ever. I don’t want to make this all about me, I’m not that kinda person, but goddamn, guys. My plans this summer are fucked. The cathedral was fine for the last 800-something years and now it decides…

With open arms: We invite any and all Central American and Mexican immigrants to read our website

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — APR News is officially announcing our “open door policy”. This allows for each and every one of the many people trying to immigrate to the US from Central America and Mexico full and open access to our website. Our Head of Sales, Jess Donaldson, believes, “Our readership is down, like, WAY down what the fuck just write something that’s pro-immigrant please for the love of Christ,” she told us through text this morning
. President Trump has been making threats to close all or parts of the southern border this week, but what Trump can’t shut down is…

Did Saudi Arabia just ban satire because they’re scared of this sex tape with Mohammed bin Salman and an alien we found?

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA — APR’s Saudi Arabia branch was prepared to have a field day with a sex tape we uncovered earlier this week featuring the Saudi Prince Mohammed bin Salman and an alien in a Make America Great Again hat, but now is legally obligated to not write any satire about it due to a ban on such writing that would “disrupt public order”. Ahmad bin Sharif, an Arab guy we found who was really pumped to draw a cartoon about this, says the part he’s most disappointed about is the fact that he can’t draw his favorite part…

This Sunday, remember to set your clocks forward an hour and your calendars to Nov. 3, 2020

Daylight Savings Time is coming this weekend, so we are reminding all readers to be sure their clocks go forward one hour, but also to keep in mind that this is the perfect time to catch Donald Trump off guard. We have to always be resisting the Trump administration and that means using systems we have in place to impede him from setting forth his disgusting agenda on America. What if this Daylight Savings Time, we all came together and used the system to our advantage? It’ll be easy. Sunday at 2am, as usual, set the clock forward an hour…

Kim Jong Un believes Yoplait with granola is “worth the extra $3,” defector says

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA – A high level North Korean defector, Jun Yi, spoke out yesterday at the UN describing previously unknown facets of Kim’s personal life, such as his affinity for Yoplait with granola and many more disturbing details. Yi, age 46, a party leader, first tried to defect from North Korea in 2009 under the guise of “making a quick run to Target,” but was told to “come up with a better one, we just went shopping.” Years later, Yi and his family found their lucky break when Kim was low on groceries and they made their escape. When they…