What an absolute bummer, man!
For those not in the know, the historic Notre-Dame Cathedral is burning to the ground as I’m writing this and I can’t help but be sad about it.
I mean, my vacation to France this summer was gonna be perfect. The Louvre, Eiffel Tower, Notre-Dame — I had the PERFECT plan.
But no. Nothing can go my way ever. I don’t want to make this all about me, I’m not that kinda person, but goddamn, guys. My plans this summer are fucked.
The cathedral was fine for the last 800-something years and now it decides to burn? Months before my first trip to France?? This is so unfair. I can’t believe I’m being punished like this.
I was given the task today to write a piece on the fire, the chaos on the ground, the art that has been saved, and more, but I just can’t wrap my head around this cosmic injustice. Like, couldn’t the building just not catch fire for a few more months?? I don’t care if it catches on fire as I’m leaving, just not before I visit.
What am I even supposed to do now? My whole summer has been irreversibly ruined and I know it’s because I’m being punished for something.
Note from the editor: APR’s Editorial Staff have reached out to God for comment, and God has confirmed that our Senior Staff Contributor, Janice Michaels, is indeed being punished for stealing sandwiches from the break room. Fuck off, Janice. You deserve this.
RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA — APR’s Saudi Arabia branch was prepared to have a field day with a sex tape we uncovered earlier this week featuring the Saudi Prince Mohammed bin Salman and an alien in a Make America Great Again hat, but now is legally obligated to not write any satire about it due to a ban on such writing that would “disrupt public order”.
Ahmad bin Sharif, an Arab guy we found who was really pumped to draw a cartoon about this, says the part he’s most disappointed about is the fact that he can’t draw his favorite part of the tape where the prince uses a bottle of Yemeni children’s blood as lube with the alien.
“The alien, by the way, was definitely a man, despite the fact that he was in fact not human. That’s not a bad thing, I just wanted to clarify. It just sucks that I can’t joke about any of this without fear of punishment. The actual tape is no big deal, it’s just a real shame we can’t joke about it.”
We reached out to Mohammed and his family for comment but all they said was that the hat wasn’t a MAGA hat but was, in fact, a parody “Make Russia Great Again” hat.
You did it France. Way to go. First the US, and now France. What’s wrong with the world today? Why can’t a perfectly qualified woman with nothing controversial about her just finally get some power in this world?
At every turn, there was some nonsense about how Le Pen is spouting “bigotry” or whatever. Just lies that so many spread because of fear. Fear of a woman leading them.
France, you should be ashamed. After the US election where Donald Trump came out on top, we thought that this sexism was just on the conservative side, but France has proved that bigots are politically agnostic and will stop at nothing to carry out their wishes.
Don’t lie and say that you care about “minorities” or “women.” Not only is Le Pen a woman, but she’s one-third Venusian. You just had to snuff out another disenfranchised minority, didn’t you?
Today will be remembered in French history as the day France came together to take power from an innocent, helpless woman to give it to a man. Disgusting.