SEATTLE, WA — Starbucks announced in a press release this past week that all 8,000+ of their stores will be closing on May 29 for a mandatory training on racial bias. All employees, according to Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson, will have to undergo the training, but there’s an interesting loophole in that: Black employees don’t have to go because they’re incapable of being racist or racially biased.

According to a Starbucks spokesperson, black employees will not need to go to the training because “[they] know enough about racial bias,” while all white employees will be required to attend. Hispanic employees are also required to take the training because of rampant use of the n-word within the community, which, according to Johnson, “must be a sign of something wrong in their education about race. I can’t make that call for sure, but we’ll have them there just in case.”

Many black activists call this a step in the right direction, but even more are concerned that they have squandered their opportunity to get free coffee out of this situation.

Victoria Davis, a black lady we consult with when we write racial articles, tells us she’d “rather just get a Venti Caramel Macchiato with an extra shot of espresso and two pumps of vanilla then racial bias training.” She went on to express her frustration, saying that she believes when the two who were arrested in Philadelphia had a chance to meet with the CEO, they dropped the ball by just talking about their experience being arrested while not asking for free stuff in return.

“Exhibit A that niggas ain’t shit. Those two goofy ass muthafuckas sat down with the CEO of Starbucks and couldn’t get shit outta his stupid ass but some racial training bullshit. Miss me with that, nigga, I don’t need racial training. I need coffee!”

Someone whose voice and ideas actually mean something, as opposed to Victoria whom we just kinda humor, tells us the idea of not mandating blacks go through a racial bias course is both racist and woke as hell, so he’s not quite sure how to feel about it. His name is Jamar Greene and he’s a 20-something who calls himself an activist on Twitter. He had #BLM in his bio so we automatically reached out.

“On one hand, if’s offensive that they’d exclude the black community in this way and push them away from this, but on the other hand, it’s forward thinking of them to acknowledge that blacks don’t need to do this kind of thing because they can’t be racist. I don’t know, I’m really struggling with this one.”

We would reach out to a Starbucks employee to get their thoughts, but turnover is so high we can’t pin one down for comment.

ATLANTA, GA — The city of Atlanta was rocked earlier this morning when Adam Cole, a 43-year-old white man, was brutally killed in his friend’s basement after allegedly referring to a black man in his group of peers as “his nigga” with a nigga pass that has been expired for several months.

Cole received his first pass from a middle school friend at the age of 12, according to his mother, Irene Cole, and had gone back to that same friend to get the pass renewed yearly.

“I always reminded him as a kid to get his pass renewed, but he’d never listen. He didn’t deserve to die, but I don’t know what he expected when being so careless. You know how they get. Those dangerous nig—”

She cut herself off to rummage through her purse to pull out her pass, which doesn’t expire until next fall, and she finished her statement with the n-word— with a hard r.

The man who killed Cole is 38-year-old Andre Allen, who told us that he feels bad he had to do it, but that there was no other way to resolve the issue.

“This shit ain’t a game, bruh. You know what I’m sayin’? You don’t have a pass, you keep that word out yo mouth, you feel me?”

Allen was arrested and immediately released after telling authorities that putting him in handcuffs and holding him triggers his PTSD (post-traumatic slave disorder).

All white readers are reminded to renew their pass and to present it to the nearest black person upon use of the n-word.