HEAVEN, SPIRITWORLD — The second coming of Christ was narrowly missed earlier today after a disgruntled Jesus ascended back up to Heaven after finding that we messed everything up while he was gone.

We tried to reach out to Jesus for comment by throwing paper airplanes with questions on them into the sky. Jesus responded by throwing a Boeing 787 Dreamliner at our Minneapolis HQ with “How’s this for a second coming?” written across the side.

What Jesus is trying to say is that we have to stop with all of these affronts against God like eating seafood, wearing mixed fabrics and not having slaves, like the Bible expressly says.

We pissed Jesus off this time but we can do better! Just follow the book better!

Happy Easter from APR News! Well… at least try to have a good one… Sorry to soil your day with this big bummer.

WASHINGTON D.C. — Obama gave advice to the month-old administration earlier today that is resonating with much of America.

“Do like I did with them,” Obama wrote in a letter to Trump, “Just bomb them.” The former president added that a ban makes the anti-Muslim agenda too obvious and that the public is okay when you kill Muslims because, “you can’t have rights taken away from you when you’re dead. So just kill them so nobody can complain that they have ‘less rights’ or whatever.”

The letter is admired by those on both sides of the political spectrum. In a recent Pew poll, 78% of America expressed worry about taking rights away from a specific group, but was okay if that step was skipped and they were just killed.

Some today have expressed worry about this, saying that this may be a slippery slope to perhaps eliminating other groups of people; those worries are usually quelled shortly after when the point that Muslims aren’t technically human is brought up.

The memo sent to the Trump administration is a very important reminder in this very divisive and polarized time that America’s fear and hatred of Islam is a bipartisan issue.

Trump’s team is reportedly happy to have received the letter from the former president. One staffer told APR earlier today that the administration is glad to have the support and guidance of Obama in Trump’s attempts to continue what the Obama administration set the groundwork for during his tenure. “We always have known that this issue is one that all Americans care strongly about and we’re happy to have Obama’s blessing while we strive to keep going with his vision for America.”

An encouraging point of agreement in a world where it seems that nobody can agree.

HEAVEN, SPIRITWORLD — Late this evening, at the close of a grueling day ensuring 12.9% of the world doesn’t have enough food to eat, God was taking a break when something caught his attention. A little girl from Utah was praying that she would get a toy to distract her from the home life with angry parents she leads.

According to an anonymous source, God originally scoffed at the prayer, but was taken aback when he noticed the girl was closing her eyes extra tight and whispering her prayer extra hard. “You don’t see such passion and commitment in a prayer, especially at so young; We just had to reward her.”

God told our source that he wants this girl to be happy so he granted her wish, with a little twist: The girl, after going back downstairs to say goodnight to her parents when she noticed them hugging and jumping up and down, screaming about how happy they are together. That’s right. God granted the ultimate wish for this girl: happy parents.

Our source tells us the girl, 7, went back upstairs in a huff and told God she just wanted the toy. This is where it gets truly inspiring. When the girl went back downstairs to get a glass of milk a few hours later, she noticed a note on the refrigerator saying that her parents were so happy that they took an impromptu vacation to be alone and weren’t coming back. And as a parting gift, they got her the exact toy she wanted!

When APR’s Chief Spiritworld Correspondent, Võ Doãn Quế, asked why not just give her to toy, our source told us that God spilled coffee on his iPad and it was acting up and followed up by telling Quế that this result was actually the best that could’ve happened. “When you think about it, the girl now has no mean parents and she has the toy. Win-win.”

Quế, an atheist, says that he’s “honestly just kinda confused, but what are you gonna do?” He goes on and says that it would’ve cost less energy to just give the girl the toy like she asked, but ended up stopping any rationalizations for anything he just heard and moved on claiming he “doesn’t care enough about this” to stay motivated on following this story.