It’s that time again where we relay what the stars would like to communicate to you through our very own Prophet of The Stars, Jason Gonzalez. Ignore this advice from the heavens at your own risk.

Aries

Your best friend will invite you to a gala where you’ll meet the person of your dreams. Not your soulmate. Literally, the person that has been infiltrating your dreams as of late. Greet them at the gala with open arms.

Taurus

Your luck will soon run out. The stars have been warning you, but you haven’t been listening.

Gemini

Talk to that new coworker of yours. They hold the key to your future in their hands. They won’t give it up easily, but you’ll take it with force.

Cancer

Your mom has been acting kinda weird lately, hasn’t she? The stars say you shouldn’t be worried. The stars are lying. Or maybe not.

Leo

Go crazy! Have that extra dessert! Have two!

Virgo

The stars know what you’ve done and they look at you with disgust. The stars don’t even wanna talk to you anymore, honestly. Gross.

Libra

You’re a real fighter! You fight hard! You will fight! There’s a gun hidden behind your dresser! Join us and FIGHT!

Scorpio

I think the stars speak for themselves, right? I don’t need to reiterate the obvious for you. You’ll get it.

Sagittarius

That girl you bumped into the other day at the coffee shop was supposed to be your lover. We sent her for you. She tried to get your attention. She called you by name but you wouldn’t listen. We knew how hard things have been lately so we sent one of us to be with you, and you ignored her. So we’re ignoring you. Good luck.

Capricorn

You will see great fortune in your life and others will pay the price in ways you wish you could reverse. Beg for their lives now and the stars may or may not listen.

Aquarius

Love yourself before you can love others. You’re nowhere close to loving yourself, so stop loving others. Seriously, stop it. You’re embarrassing yourself.

Pisces

The rats that live in your walls told us everything. You coward. You absolute filth.

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA – A high level North Korean defector, Jun Yi, spoke out yesterday at the UN describing previously unknown facets of Kim’s personal life, such as his affinity for Yoplait with granola and many more disturbing details.

Yi, age 46, a party leader, first tried to defect from North Korea in 2009 under the guise of “making a quick run to Target,” but was told to “come up with a better one, we just went shopping.”

Years later, Yi and his family found their lucky break when Kim was low on groceries and they made their escape.

When they made it to South Korea, they “just kinda stayed” and are now telling their stories of what it’s like living in the repressive nation of North Korea and, more specifically, what the leader is like personally.

“Even as a high-ranking official, the meals we got were never of any good quality. We were often forced to eat garbage like Chef Boyardee just to survive,” Yi said when describing the struggle he and his family faced during their time in North Korea. “Kim always had his food imported, though, so he always ate the good stuff.”

According to Yi, The Supreme Leader of the country would splurge on many luxuries, specifically citing Yoplait with granola. The $3.98 price tag didn’t deter Kim from getting his fix; he had even been heard to exclaim when pressed that it’s “worth the extra $3.”

Such gross inequality is standard in North Korea. While the poorest of the poor have to make due with eating Kraft Singles with mayo, the North Korean dictator lives in such luxury that a cup of silky, smooth, decadent Yoplait yogurt topped with the beautiful crunch of delicious granola is almost passé.

The inequality problem runs so deep in North Korean culture that it’s unknown whether or not the citizens of the country even are aware of such luxuries. During Yi’s time as a party leader, he ran the many slave camps in the country, and noted to us that the political prisoners and people imprisoned for what their grandparents did “have it easy because they didn’t even know what they were missing. To be honest, I wish I could be eating cabbage or whatever it is they eat and just be blissfully unaware of what I could be eating. I mean, we’re talking Yoplait with granola here,” he told us, almost shouting that last part.

We didn’t reach out to Yoplait for comment, but you can imagine that it would be something along the lines of how good their product is and that they don’t condone slavery or something like that.

Here at APR, we’re strong believers that the environment exists. So much so that we have gathered our top five tips for you to consider incorporating into your life to make sure that the environment keeps existing!

1.) Go on a meat-exclusive diet

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The whole point of Earth Day is doing our part by saving the environment, right? And what better way is there than to transition to an all-meat diet. Last we checked, animals aren’t green, so the Earth doesn’t need them. In fact, Mother Nature would appreciate you getting rid of all of these pests like cows and chickens because they’re walking all over her lawn.

2.) Exercise less often

obesity-stockThat’s right! We’re asking you to stop doing your New Year’s Resolution! Hard, we know. But stick with us here. The more you exercise, the more calories you need to intake to maintain your body. So if you exercise less, you’ll have to eat fewer calories, meaning you save food! There are kids in Africa who would love your food, but your selfishly hogging it by KNOWINGLY draining your body of resources quicker than usual.

3.) Save water by packing the inside of your mouth with salt

Salt

This is an easy one. Just make sure the inside of your mouth is coated with as much salt as possible. This will dry your mouth out so your body will have to produce more saliva that you will swallow, leading to you needing to drink water less! If you get hungry, DO NOT take out the salt. Just swallow some of it and pack in more salt.

4.) Be proactive

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This one is huge! Gather some friends to climb up the chimney of a factory and breath in as much of the pollution as possible before it messes up the atmosphere. We recommend bringing along as many friends as possible, so when one person passes out and slides head first down the chimney there can be another to replace them.

5.) Stop littering into our atmosphere

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When people think of litter, what they most likely think of is a can of soda left in the grass of a park; The littering you usually don’t think of is what you do every time you exhale. This is important. Humans are essentially like cars because both exhale CO2 into the atmosphere. Here’s our little tip. Breathe in normally but exhale into a paper bag and seal it closed. Continue doing this for every time you exhale and be sure to send your bags to a facility to be recycled.
Bonus tip: Since you already are carrying so many paper bags because of our previous tip, use one to seal up the tailpipe of your car! How can your car pollute if the tailpipe is sealed off with a paper bag?

Have a nice, environmentally cautious Earth Day!

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Minneapolis was abuzz earlier today with a very impassioned protest pushing for homeless shelters to start offering different food options for the people who come in to get what sometimes is their only meal.

The protest, which was led by feminists for some reason, spanned across much of the morning hours and took place in a few areas notorious for not having a homeless issue for decades.

“The homeless people are a bit creepy, honestly, and would distract from our main message, I think,” a protester told us when asked about why no homeless people were actually at the event. “Even if they were here, how would they, like, help? If they could present their message in an impactful way, they’d have jobs.”

The main message of the protesters is that they believe homeless people deserve to be treated better when it comes to the food distributed in shelters and that they should have a higher quality of food. The food they currently have is being described as “sub par at best” by the group.

“I haven’t been to homeless shelter food kitchen thing in a while but, man, I remember going and saying to myself, ‘Wow this food isn’t that great,’ y’know what I mean? It’s ridiculous! What is this, a Walmart? These are ‘people’ right? Shouldn’t we fed them like they’re ‘people’?”

We sent APR Intern Danica Michaels to go talk to some real live homeless people to get their thoughts on the protest, but she forgot her passport at home so she couldn’t get past the checkpoints that block off the slums of Minneapolis, so we couldn’t actually get any comment from them. We presume they like it, though.

Michaels, who has had to sleep on her parents’ couch while her house is being renovated, says that she thinks this is what the homeless need to advance themselves in society.

“The people that took up this cause are really showing their knowledge of the community and its needs. This won’t fix all of their problems, obviously, but we have to start somewhere.”

The protest was met to lukewarm response by pedestrians, but organizers attribute this to the “intellectual content of their message” that forces you to think, perhaps leading most to want to internalize their thoughts instead.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — According to a new poll by Pew, 76% of teens in the US would definitely kill themselves in a, “joking kinda way.” The poll comes as many teens in America have been finding reprieve in knowing that depression and suicide are no longer taken seriously. APR’s Chief Suicide Correspondent, Albert Gordon, tells us that most teens are happy that overblown issues of depression and suicide are okay to talk about lightly to describe mild inconveniences, as opposed to reserving such statements to those suffering from those fake ailments.

“Vanity depression,” speaking as though one has depression while also understanding that such an illness has yet to be proven, has been on the rise especially with teens who like sympathy. Our Chief Anxiety Correspondent, May Spencer, is concerned however that this recent trend is delegitimatizing mental health causes.

“In the mental health community we’re all faking it for attention, and the better fakers get more attention. But when everyone is throwing around pleas for death in such a joking manner, it strips away the legitimacy of those of us who are legitimately faking a mental disease.”

In the past few years, vanity depression has eaten away at the divide between the fakers and the liars. Office Intern Anthony Ellis helped offer some insight into the world of vanity depression and why it’s as big as it is. Anthony, a local 13 year old, told us that vanity depression is “fun.”

“Everyone knows I won’t kill myself but it makes my feelings easier to understand,” he said. “Because everyone jokes about it all the time, only the good fakers make it, and those really good fakers are the funnest to laugh at and we wanna see more of them.” He went on to describe the fact that he and his friends have a hard time understanding each other’s feelings, so light hyperbole is needed to make sure the message comes across.

Vanity depression is also used as a means to become more liked. Anthony told us early this morning through an Xbox Live message that when “people say edgy things like that, they’re a lot cooler.”

He added that he knows his friends don’t care about mental illness, but it all sounds edgy so they like using the terms. When we asked the young man on what he thought specifically about depression and suicide, and how he thinks people feel when those terms are used in such a liberal manner, he called our reporter “gay” and signed out of Xbox Live.

The Pew Poll shows Spencer just how outgoing people who misappropriate culture have become. To her, people like Anthony are stealing part of her identity and making it their own, with their own twists that don’t conform to reality.

“How would you feel if, as a righty, I just started using left-handed scissors but I flipped them upside down when I did it so my right hand would fit properly?” Spencer said while providing a visual demonstration. “You see? Not as fun when I do it.”

For people with mental illness, it’s usually their one identifiable characteristic as a person, and usurping such an intrinsic part of one’s identity is as bad as it gets when it comes to cultural appropriation.

The left, who is usually fine tuned to be outwardly angry online and in the street —when they can be bothered— seems to be playing the largest role in all of this. Alt-left websites like Tumblr, a hotbed for neo-fascist propaganda, are constantly flooded with messages about people claiming to want to kill themselves. To some, the hypocrisy displayed really hurts.

Spencer and so many other liars are looking for a world where they can go about their day pretending that they have “real” issues without their heritage being stolen away from them. Pew has reminded America that it has a lot of work to do in making society a fairer and better place for all.

opinon

Ableism is absolutely unacceptable, but seems absolutely rampant throughout society and it must come to an end. Has society not evolved past the point where we feel the urge to put people down based on their ability?

The biggest scourge of harassment against the disabled has gone to a level that truly makes us at APR truly heartbroken.

The issue is that talking about ableism itself is a very ableist thing to do. When you talk so inconsiderately about ableism and try to “be an ally,” all you do is further lord your privilege over those who can’t express their opinion. You’re taking away the agency of some disabled people by speaking for them.

For example, mute people who have no way of communicating their thoughts and feelings to the world have to sit back and listen to someone indirectly talk down to them whenever they see discussion about their disability. Or to give another realistic example: someone who has no hands surfing the internet has to sit back while they look at conversation about them. When you assert your anti-ableism stance, you are denying a disabled person’s right to be pro-ableism.

For transparency sake, we’d like to say that this topic came up at an all-hands meeting. Maria Taylor, our Chief Disability Correspondent, said this morning that she as a disabled person has felt discouraged as of late because of the conversation around disability in our country. She doesn’t like that her disability, having no head, is a point of conversation all the time; Especially when the conversation is “so toxic,” she told us all this morning. She hates having to listen to people around her jump to the defense of disabled people in her company, because she herself is very pro-ableism.

Maria says that she frequently discriminates against disabled people who have applied to jobs for her. “I want to have the right, like everyone else, to discriminate against disabled people without everyone around me always just assuming how I feel on the issue. Why are we living in a world where I’m being judged based on my disability, and not the content of my character as Martin Luther King Jr. said? This is honestly beyond unfair and I can’t stand it. It has to stop, guys.”

Very true. It’s disgusting to come to her defense in public or online to defend a position you hold and that you, presumptuously, believe she cares anything about. She, like the rest of us, hates the disabled and should have the right to not go through life constantly explaining herself. She’s disabled, sure. But that doesn’t mean she fits into society’s mold. You are an ableist if you jump to the conclusion that she fits the description of what you think a disabled person should be.

Maria and all other disabled people in the country should be given their agency back. Stop the ableism.

PASADENA, CA —  NASA today has announced the groundbreaking discovery of four, Earth-like exoplanets orbiting a star 40 light years away. Additionally, the agency also has announced that all of the planets are suffering from very severe global warming.

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The sad state of affairs of one planet is clear in this one picture alone; The planet doesn’t even have any grass left on it.

 

Photos like the one above shows just how drastic the situation is for the entire universe. Human activity has been so impactful throughout the cosmos that these poor creatures that may or may not live on this exoplanet are now facing extinction on mass scales.

This announcement was initially rumored to be a positive one, but the grave nature of what NASA has announced today is a reminder that society must work to change.

The search for life in the universe has gotten much more exciting because the planets, orbiting a red dwarf, are in the habitable zone of their star; that doesn’t matter, though. Even if there were animals, they’re probably dead because of human-caused global warming.

We reached out to NASA for comment and Kimberly Carrillo, a researcher at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, expressed extreme confusion about it all. “I honestly don’t understand how we managed to get pollution to travel 40 whole light years, but we did.”

Carrillo is hopeful, though. “It’s easy to look at this whole situation in a positive light. If we managed to pollute a planet we’ve never been to, I’d imagine us going there isn’t long behind!”

Others have expressed doubt that humans could have caused global warming on an exoplanet. Judith Schulz, a conservative columnist for several LA newspapers, says that this kind of thing happens in waves.

“If you look at the data, this kind of thing happens over thousands of years. The universe heats up and then it cools down. There’s truly nothing to be worried about,” she told us in an interview today.

Regardless, the fact is that these planets are warming. The life is dying if it’s there, and if it’s not there we’ve already killed it. Society as a whole must reflect on the consequences of the actions we take on a day-to-day basis. We should be ashamed that an alien species of tree is extinct now, assuming it existed in the first place.

MENLO PARK, CALIFORNIA — Facebook has announced today that is it launching a joint effort with The American Red Cross to figure out how to convert likes on Facebook into food to send to impoverished people across the globe. According to the social media giant, most people care enough to like photos of starving children, but don’t want to be inconvenienced by having to find their wallet to donate to the Red Cross and other organizations.

Mark Zuckerberg sat down with APR’s Chief Poverty Correspondent Bryan Graff and told us more about the initiative:

“At Facebook, we strive to do the most good we can in the world and we think that with this we can continue doing this.”

Working closely with the scientific community, Zuckerberg tells us that the process of converting likes on pictures and even text posts is close to being perfected. This conversion method is very closely guarded but, according to a source within The American Red Cross, the process is a lengthy one.

For years, the best mode of activism on Facebook is liking posts because it’s streamlined. It shows your support but you also don’t need to go to an entirely different website and follow arduous steps to donate.

“And that’s not even including the fact that you’re losing money,” Graff says. “In our modern age, this initiative gives us the best of both worlds: we can help without inconveniencing ourselves.”

A representative from The American Red Cross tells us that they wish people would “just send money, but if this is the best we can do, we’ll take it.” They’ve seen a loss in donation along with charities and have been looking for alternative methods of getting support to those who need it.

“In a world without donations, where do we get donations? The answer is clear: we work with what we have.”

UPDATE: According to a leaked memo from The American Red Cross, the process seems to be printing out lists of names who liked certain photos on Facebook and shipping them to Africa for kids to eat.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — A Silicon Valley startup has a solution for those of us contemplating suicide, but also are scared of death. According to the W.H.O., the one thing stopping most from suicide is the fear of death. In a 2015 study, the agency reported that 13% of those who have suicidal thoughts stop short specifically due to this phobia.

Cryocide founder, Florence Walters (center in photo), told us today that he saw a gap in the market and wanted to address it. “When I saw those stats, I was shocked. 13% of people are holding back from something that they want to do.”

The company was started just over a year ago with the aim to let people kill themselves without having to face their fear of death. The startup uses cutting edge cryonic technology to allow their customers to do that.

“The process is a very simple one,” Walters told us in a sit down interview at the company’s San Francisco headquarters. “It’s just two steps. First, we give our customers a wide selection of methods to commit suicide and they do it— in the company of doctors of course. Then, our trained team cryogenically freezes the person and stores them in the hopes that future technology can bring them back when all of their troubles on earth are either dead or irrelevant in the time that they’re woken up.”

APR’s Suicide Correspondent, Albert Gordon, tells us that customers will be getting the best of both worlds with this revolutionary service. “Forever we’ve been told that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but in the modern age it doesn’t have to be that way. Cryocide allows many people to have the satisfaction of the sweet embrace of death while not actually dying.”

The technology behind the so-called “neo-cide” service is staggeringly complex and a closely guarded secret. And while all can agree that the technology is quite the feat, some have reservations about the service.

APR spoke to Linda Jackson, a strong critic of Cryocide. She believes that traditional suicide is “nothing but tarnished” by services like this. She explains, “I just want to go back to a time when you could kill yourself in dignity. If I’m going to do it, I want to do it for real, just as God told us expressly not to do in the Bible. Why would anyone in their right mind kill themselves, come back to life in the far future, and then do it again for real down the line? Honestly, just a waste of money.”

Other critics question whether a medical fix for blown out brains will ever be found. Gordon posed this to Walters, who answered immediately by saying, “There have been so many other things that these ‘doctors’ have said would be impossible but look where we are right now; all kinds of things can be fixed now. We’re giving the customer options and we believe, regardless of the choice, future medical professionals will be able to fix it.”

Even with criticism, Cryocide has opened up their doors to customers. Pricing starts at $850,000.

KIRKLAND, WA — Penny, 9 years old, is currently suffering from the quick and painful breaking down of the walls of her blood vessels, but was relieved to find out that her mom, Traci, put her foot down to say no. “I’m not putting my child in situation where she’s at risk of getting autism and I don’t know why any other parent would. She’s already a handful to deal with now, what with her veins slowly eroding, but to imagine what it would be like to deal with both this and autism is just unimaginable.”

APR’s Chief Vaccine Correspondent Lauren Smith says it’s a common misconception that the vaccines do good. “As Traci mentioned, that vaccine would’ve just doubled the issues they would’ve had to deal with. The introduction of autism into the child’s system would’ve been severely damaging and would make it even harder to treat the meningococcemia.

The purpose of vaccines, bringing up the risk of developing autism in children, doesn’t line up with the values and goals of many in America. Most parents in the country get their children vaccinated as a show of strength, declaring they’re willing to care for a child regardless of if it has autism or not. Though, if you don’t want a child with a higher chance of the developmental disease, the fix is simple. Just tell others your child is vaccinated so you can still feel good about yourself, but don’t actually get your child vaccinated so you can deal with any issues that your child has free from the shackles that autism would’ve put on your family.

9-year-old Penny is delighted to learn about the horrifying condition she narrowly avoided and even told Smith, “I’m happy I don’t have autism, but aren’t I still really sick? I don’t know. I guess I have it pretty alright. My mom told me with autism they have to amputate your whole arms and legs instead of just hands and feet like me, so I’m thankful for that.”

Penny’s mom, who had been checking Pinterest throughout the entire interview with her daughter, was quick to interject, asking us to “not print that.”

We at APR have chosen to take Traci’s statement literally, so we won’t be printing anything and are simply posting it on our website.