APR’s five Earth Day tips and tricks to help save the world!

This Earth Day we want to make sure we are doing the most we can to help out!

Here at APR, we’re strong believers that the environment exists. So much so that we have gathered our top five tips for you to consider incorporating into your life to make sure that the environment keeps existing!

1.) Go on a meat-exclusive diet

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The whole point of Earth Day is doing our part by saving the environment, right? And what better way is there than to transition to an all meat diet. Last we checked, animals aren’t green, so the Earth doesn’t need them. In fact, Mother Nature would appreciate you getting rid of all of these pests like cows and chickens because they’re walking all over her damn lawn.

2.) Exercise less often

obesity-stockThat’s right! We’re asking you to stop doing your New Year’s Resolution! Hard, we know. But stick with us here. The more you exercise, the more calories you need to intake to maintain your body. So if you exercise less, you’ll have to eat fewer calories, meaning you save food! There are kids in Africa who would love your food, but your selfishly hogging it by KNOWINGLY draining your body of resources quicker than normal.

3.) Save water by packing the inside of your mouth with salt

Salt

This one is an easy one. Just make sure the inside of your mouth is coated with as much salt as possible. This will dry your mouth out so your body will have to produce more saliva that you will swallow, leading to you needing to drink water less! If you get hungry, DO NOT take out the salt. Just swallow some of it and pack in more salt.

4.) Be proactive

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This one is huge! Gather some friends to climb up the chimney of a factory and breath in as much of the pollution as possible before it messes up the atmosphere. We recommend bringing along as many friends as possible so when one person passes out and slides head first, backwards down the chimney there can be another to replace them

5.) Stop littering into our atmosphere

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When people think of litter, what they most likely think of is a can of soda left in the grass of a park; The littering you usually don’t think of is what you do every time you exhale. This is important. Humans are essentially like cars because both exhale CO2 into the atmosphere. Here’s our little tip. Breathe in normally but exhale into a paper bag and seal it closed. Continue doing this for every time you exhale and be sure to send your bags to a facility to be recycled
Bonus tip: Since you already are carrying so many paper bags because of our previous tip, use one to seal up the tailpipe of your car! How can your car pollute if the tailpipe is sealed off with a paper bag?

 

Have a nice, environmentally cautious Earth Day!

Protest in Minneapolis pushes for organic, vegan, free range, and GMO-free options at homeless shelters

You thought we could feed the homeless just anything? Think again.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Minneapolis was a buzz earlier today due of a very impassioned protest that were pushing for homeless shelters to start offering different food options for the people who come in to get what sometimes is their only meal.

The protest, which was led by feminists for some reason, spanned across much of the morning hours and took place in a few areas notorious for not having a homeless issue for decades.

“The homeless people are a bit creepy, honestly, and would, distract from our main message, I think,” a protester told us when asked about why no homeless people were actually at the event. “Even if they were here, how would they, like, help? If they could present their message in an impactful way, they’d have jobs.”

The main message of the protesters is that they believed homeless people deserved to be treated better when it came to the food we give them in shelters and that they should have a higher quality of food. The food they currently have is being described as “subpar at best” by the group.

“I haven’t been to homeless shelter food kitchen thing in a while but, man, I remember going and saying to myself, ‘Wow this food isn’t that great’, y’know what I mean? It’s ridiculous! What is this, a Walmart? These are ‘people’ right? Shouldn’t we fed them like they’re ‘people’?”

We sent APR Intern Danica Michaels to go talk to some real live homeless people to get their thoughts on the protest, but she forgot her passport at home so she couldn’t get past the checkpoints that block off the slums of Minneapolis, so we couldn’t actually get any comment from them. We presume they like it though.

Michaels, who has had to sleep on her parents couch while her house is being renovated, says that she thinks this is what the homeless need to advance themselves in society. “The people that took up this cause are really showing their knowledge of the community and it’s needs. This won’t fix all of their problems, obviously, but we have to start somewhere.”

The protest was met to lukewarm response by the pedestrians, but organizers attribute this to the “intellectual content of their message” that forced you to think, perhaps leading most to want to internalize their thoughts instead.

76% of teens; “I’d absolutely kill myself, lol jk,” Pew Poll finds

“Vanity depression” on the rise in young adults

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — According to a new poll by Pew, 86% of teens in the US would definitely kill themselves in a, “joking kinda way”. The poll comes as many teens in America have been finding reprieve in knowing that depression and suicide are no longer taken seriously. APR’s Chief Suicide Correspondent, Albert Gordon, told us that most teens are happy that overblown issues of depression and suicide are okay to talk about lightly to describe mild inconveniences, as opposed to reserving such statements to those suffering from those fake ailments.

“Vanity depression”, speaking as though one has depression while also understanding that such an illness has yet to be proven, has been on the rise especially with teens who like sympathy. Our Chief Anxiety Correspondent, May Spencer, is  concerned however that this recent trend is delegitimizing mental health causes. “In the mental health community we’re all faking it for attention, and the better fakers get more attention. But when everyone is throwing around pleas for death in such a joking manner, it strips away the legitimacy of those of us who are legitimately faking a mental disease.” In the past few years, vanity depression has eaten away at the divide between the fakers and the liars.

Office Intern, Anthony Ellis, helped offer some insight into the world of vanity depression and why it’s as big as it is. Anthony, a local 13 year old, told us that vanity depression is “fun”. He told us. “LIke, everyone knows I won’t kill myself but it makes my feelings easier to understand,” and followed it up by saying, “Because everyone jokes about it all the time, only the good fakers make it, and those really good fakers are the funnest to laugh at and we wanna see more of them.” He went on to describe the fact that he and his friends have a hard time understanding each other’s feelings, so light hyperbole is needed to make sure the message comes across

Vanity depression is also used as a means to become more liked. Anthony told us early this morning through an Xbox Live message that when “people say edgy things like that, they’re a lot cooler.” He continued, adding that he knows his friends don’t care about mental illness, but it all sounds edgy so they like using the terms. When we asked the young man on what he thought specifically about depression and suicide, and how he thinks people feel when those terms are used in such a liberal manner, he called our reporter “gay” and signed out of Xbox Live.

The Pew Poll shows, to people like Spencer just how outgoing people who misappropriate culture have become. To her, people like Anthony, are stealing part of her identity and making it their own, with their own twists that don’t conform to reality. May proposed “How would you feel if, as a rightly, I just started using left handed scissors but I flipped them upside down when I did it so my right hand would fit properly? You see? Not as fun when I do it.”

For people with mental illness, it’s usually their one identifiable characteristic as a person, and usurping such an intrinsic part of a group’s identity is as bad as it gets when it comes to cultural appropriation.

The left, who is usually fine tuned to be outwardly angry online and in the street – when they can be bothered – seems to be playing the largest role in all of this. Alt-left websites like Tumblr, a hotbed for neo-fascist propaganda, are constantly flooded with messages about people claiming to want to kill themselves. The hypocrisy displayed, to some, really hurts.

Spencer, and so many other liars, are looking for a world where they can go about their day pretending that they have “real” issues without their heritage being stolen away from them. Pew has reminded America that it has a lot of work to do in making society a fairer and better place for all.

APR Editorial Opinion: Complaining about ableism is ableist and you should stop doing it

Ableism is plaguing society at all levels and it MUST come to an end

Ableism is absolutely unacceptable, but seems absolutely rampant throughout society and it must come to an end. Has society not evolved past the point where we feel the urge to put people down based on their ability?

The biggest scourge of harassment against the disabled has gone to a level that truly makes us at APR truly heartbroken.

The issue is that talking about ableism itself is a very ableist thing to do. When you talk so inconsiderately about ableism and try to “be an ally”, all you do is further lord your privilege over those who can’t express their opinion. You’re taking away the agency of some disabled people by speaking for them. Like, for example, mute people who have no way of communicating their thoughts and feelings to the world have to sit back and listen to someone indirectly talk down to them whenever they see discussion about their disability. Or to give another realistic example; someone who has no hands surfing the internet has to sit back while they look at conversation about them. When you assert your anti-ableism stance, you are denying a disabled person’s right to be pro-ableism.

For transparency sake, we’d like to say that this topic came up at an all hands meeting. Maria Taylor, our Chief Disabled Correspondent, said this morning that she as a disabled person has felt discouraged as of recent because of the conversation around disability in our country. She doesn’t like that her disability, having no head, is a point of conversation all the time; Especially when the conversation is “so toxic,” she told us all this morning. She hates having to listen to people around her jump to the defence of disabled people in her company because she herself is very pro-ableism. She says that she frequently discriminates against disabled people who have applied to jobs for her. “I want to have the right, like everyone else, to discriminate against disabled people without everyone around me always just assuming how I feel on the issue. Why are we living in a world where I’m being judged based on my disability, and not the content of my character as Martin Luther King said? This is honestly beyond unfair and I can’t stand it. It has to just stop, guys.”

Very true. It’s disgusting to come to her defence in public or online to defend a position you hold and that you, presumptuously, believe she cares anything about. She, like the rest of us, hates the disabled and should have the right to not go through life having to constantly explain herself. She’s disabled, sure. But that doesn’t mean she fits into society’s mold. You are an ableist if you jump to the conclusion that she fits into the mold of what you think a “disabled person should be”. Maria and all other disabled people in the country should be given their agency back. Stop the ableism.

NASA: Seven planets that could harbor life discovered 40 light years away, all believed to suffer from global warming

A big announcement from NASA; Exciting news laced with bad news

PASADENA, CA —  NASA today has announced the groundbreaking discovery of four, Earth-like exoplanets orbiting a star 40 light years away. Additionally, the agency also has announced that all of the planets are suffering from very severe global warming.

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The very sad state of affairs of one planet is clear in this one picture alone; The planet doesn’t even have any grass left on it

 

Photos like the one above shows just how drastic the situation is for the entire universe. Human activity has been so impactful throughout the cosmos that these poor creatures that may or may not live on this exoplanet are now facing extinction on mass scales.

This announcement was rumored to be a positive one, but the grave nature of what NASA has announced today is a reminder that society must work to change.

The search for life in the universe has gotten much more exciting because the planets, orbiting a red dwarf, because all of the planets are orbiting in the habitable zone of their star; That doesn’t matter though. Even if there are animals, they’re probably dead because of human caused global warming.

We reached out to NASA to get a comment and Kimberly Carrillo, a researcher at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, expressed extreme confusion about it all. “I honestly don’t understand how we managed to get polution to travel 40 whole light years but we did.” Carrillo is hopeful, though; “I think it’s easy to look at this whole situation in a positive light. LIke, if we managed to pollute a planet we’ve never been to, I’d imagine us going there isn’t long behind!”

Others have expressed doubt that humans could have caused global warming on an exoplanet. Judith Schulz, a conservative columnist for several LA newspapers, says that this kind of thing happens in waves; “If you look at the data, this kind of thing happens over thousands of years.The universe heats up and then it cools down. There’s truly nothing to be worried about,” she told us in an interview today.

Regardless, the fact is that these planets are warming, the life is dying if it’s there, and if it’s not there we’ve already killed it. Society as a whole should reflect on these actions that we take on a day to day basis and think about their consequences. We should be ashamed that an alien species of tree is extinct now, assuming it exists.

American Red Cross working with scientists and Facebook on method to convert “likes” to food

MENLO PARK, CALIFORNIA — Facebook has announced today that it’s starting a joint effort with The American Red Cross to figure out how to convert likes on Facebook into food to send to impoverished people across the globe. According to the social media giant, most people out there care enough to like photos of starving children, but don’t want to be inconvenienced by having to find their wallet to donate to the Red Cross and other organizations.

Mark Zuckerberg sat down with Chief Poverty Correspondent, Bryan Graff, and told us more about the initiative. “At Facebook, we’ve always strived to do the most good we can in the world and we think that with this we can continue doing that.” Working closely with the scientific community, Zuckerberg tells us that the process of converting likes on pictures and even text posts, is close to being perfected. This conversion method is very closely guarded but, according to a source within The American Red Cross, the process is a lengthy one.

For years, the best mode of activism on Facebook is liking posts because it’s streamlined. It shows your support but you also don’t need to go to a whole different website and go through the arduous steps of donating money; “And that’s not even including the fact that you’re losing money,” Graff says. “In our modern age, this initiative gives us the best of both worlds; we want to help, but not inconvenience ourselves.”

A representative from The American Red Cross tells us that they wish people would “just send money, but if this is the best we can do, we’ll take it.” They’ve seen a loss in donation along with charities and have been looking for alternative methods of getting support to those who need it. “In a world without donations, where do we get donations. The answer is clear. We work with what we have.”

UPDATE: According to a leaked memo from The American Red Cross, the process seems to be printing out lists of names who liked certain photos on Facebook and shipping those to Africa for kids to eat.

Want to kill yourself but are scared of death? New startup ‘Cryocide’ has the answer!

Neo-cide: Suicide for the modern age

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — A new Silicon Valley startup has a solution for those of us contemplating suicide, but also are scared of death. According to the W.H.O., the one thing stopping most from suicide is a fear of death. In a 2015 study, the agency reported that 13% of those who have suicidal thoughts stop short specifically due to that phobia.

Cryocide founder, Florence Walters (center in photo), told us today that he saw a gap in the market and wanted to address that. “When I saw those stats, I was shocked. 13% of people are holding back from something that they want to do, but won’t.”

The company was started by Walters just over a year ago with the aim to let people kill themselves, but do it so they don’t have to face their fear of death. The startup uses cutting edge cryonics technology to allow their customers to do that.

“The process,” Walters told us in a sitdown interview in the company’s San Francisco headquarters, “is a very simple one and it’s just two steps. First we give our customers a wide selection of methods to commit suicide and they do it – in the company of doctors of course., and then our trained team cryogenically freezes the person and stores them in the hopes that future technology can bring them back when all of their troubles on earth are either dead or irrelevant in the time that they’re woken up.”

APR’s Suicide Correspondent, Albert Gordon, tells us that customers will be getting the best of both worlds with this revolutionary service. “Forever we’ve been told that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but in the modern age it doesn’t have to be that way. Cryocide allows many people to have the satisfaction of the sweet embrace of death while not actually dying.” The technology behind the so-called “neo-cide” service is staggeringly complex and a closely guarded secret. And while all can agree that the technology is quite the feat, some have reservations about the service.

APR spoke to Linda Jackson, a strong critic of Cryocide. She believes that the institution that is suicide is, “nothing but tarnished” by services like this. She explains, “I just want to go back to a time when you could kill yourself in dignity. If I’m going to do it, I want to do it for real, just as God told us expressly not to do in the Bible. Why the hell would people anyone in their right mind kill themselves, come back to life in the far future, and then do it again for real down the line? Honestly, just a stupid waste of money.”

Other critics, rightfully, question whether a medical fix for blown out brains will ever be found. Gordon posed that question to Walters who answered immediately by saying, “There have been so many other things that these ‘doctors’ have said would be impossible but look where we are right now; all kinds of things can be fixed now. We’re giving the customer options and we believe, regardless of the choice, future medical professionals will be able to fix it.”

Even with criticism, Cryocide has opened up their doors to customers and pricing starts at $850,000

 

 

 

Note from the editor: While suicide or even neo-cide seems like a way out, it’s not. Cryocide’s process most definitely won’t work and suicide just sucks. If you’re having bad thoughts, we at APR hope you talk to someone.