MINNEAPOLIS, MN — A local gay couple, Jerry and Francis Jameson, has decided that they will be taking their transgender child, aged 16, to conversion therapy. This is in order to repair what they told us is the “degenerative brain dysfunction of transgenderism.”

Their child, who asked remain unnamed but his name is Thomas, is going through a phase where he believes that he was born in the wrong body and would like to someday go through surgery to correct for this.  For now, he dresses in such a way as to appear female and acts as a woman as well, like requesting his employer to pay him 23%, which they’ve graciously accepted.

Jerry and Francis are not quite convinced that such a thing is legitimate. They believe that their child has been brainwashed by media and the internet. We sat down and spoke with the fathers of the 16-year-old in between episodes of Glee, and asked them specifically what they found to be so wrong with being trans. Jerry tells us that Thomas is just really gay and doesn’t want to admit it.

“What’s happening is that he’s gay and in denial to such a point where he wants to become a girl so he can call himself ‘straight.’ You know what I mean? It’s not a real thing. It’s just a kid’s way of telling us he’s really gay but he doesn’t know exactly how to say it. I know me and my husband didn’t raise our child this way.”

Francis, who himself was taken to conversion therapy and was not changed by it, believes the treatment doesn’t work for gay people, but surely must work for trans people. He told us during a commercial break for Glee that it doesn’t work on gay people because being gay is fine, but should work well for trans people because they’re amoral degenerates.

The conversion therapy for Thomas, who again reminded us he didn’t want to be named as we left his home, is set for next month and he’s absolutely devastated.

Francis tells us, though, it’s all an act. “It was very clear through the fake tears that there is a boy just trying to weasel his way into girls bathrooms at the end of the day, and it’s disgusting.”

Happy Trans Visibility Day from LGBT Voices and the whole APR staff!

UPDATE: The family has received push back since this article being posted from groups claiming to be pro-trans. After some research, it has been found that all have been trolls, as there are no actual people who are pro-trans.

 

The negative impact of abortion on society is immeasurable and very real. The butterfly effect tells us that a single event, such as the murder of a child in this case, can throw the universe out of balance and change the course of humanity in unpredictable ways. That’s why we’ve rounded up the top five things that could have happened, or been solved by now if abortion was illegal.

5.) An end to racism

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Let’s imagine a world where there is no racism. That very easily could have been the world we’d be living in right now. But because of abortion, this is not the case. There was a woke, blue-haired, liberal kid that would have been born somewhere in the US who could have crafted the tweet that ended racism, but sadly not. Because that child was killed, there is more racism and more hate in the world.

4.) A solution for Palestine and Israel both are happy with and leave both with exactly what they want

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You may be thinking to yourself that abortion is not legal in much of the Middle East so they’re already living in utopia, primed to arrive at an answer to this crisis. But that’s where you’re wrong. The solution will surely not come from them, but the United States. If they wanted to solve it, they would have by now. With that said, our terrible abortion policy has allowed the person who would have fixed it all to be needlessly killed.

3.) A world where Dr. Who is not on TV and everyone agrees it’s objectively a bad show

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Dr. Who is a program that has been on TV for far too long and the child that would have put an end to this disgusting program is sadly not with us. We’ve grown far too apathetic in the face of this behemoth that has stunted both the minds of children and culture as a whole. It’s undeniable that legalized abortion is to blame for this. All it would have taken to stop this decades-long tragedy was just one child. And unfortunately that child was never born, leaving us with this global epidemic.

2) Vaccines that don’t cause autism

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You’d think by now that they would have come up with vaccines that don’t cause autism, right? Well, perhaps the medical profession could be able to do it with more doctors. But instead, we live in a world where the future doctor to invent such a thing is no longer with us. So now we must live in this hellscape where beautiful minds are being left behind and scrapped for absolutely no reason.

1.) Cure to cancer

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We’re giving you a double dose of medicine in this list. Cancer is one of the biggest killers but with our stance on abortion being where it is in this country, you’d almost think that we get off on the idea of millions dying in pain due to cancer. It’s a sad state of affairs when mothers are knowingly discarding the life of what could have been the doctor to put an end to cancer. Have we no forward thinking people in our country to keep in mind what we could be missing out on in the future by being so shortsighted in allowing abortion?

HOLLYWOOD, FL — Crown Cruise Line has announced that they are unveiling a next-generation cruiseliner that doesn’t rely on fossil fuels to run. Instead, the luxury vessel requires its passengers to row to their destination.

Crown Cruise Line CEO Mathew Gordon said in an email that this is an important move to help curb his company’s impact on global climate change.

“Boats are the number one polluters in the world,” Gordon wrote. “We feel it is our duty as citizens of the Earth to stop as much of it as possible. In this life, we have to make sacrifices for the greater good. Our company is willing to let go of some luxury and some comfort for the greater good.”

Environmentalists are outraged by the planned switch to manual cruise ships because they believe the toll it will have on the environment will be unlike anything the world has ever seen.

Gordon says his company does have plans to cut down every tree in North America to produce the boats. APR’s Chief Tree Hugging Correspondent Elizabeth James reports that with the number of boats that need to be made there will surely make a negative impact on the globe.

But many are skeptical of these supposed negative effects. Victor Polanski, an adamant denier of the environment, says there’s nothing to fear.

“You’re getting points at the front end, and they’re taking some at the back. It’s a win-lose that evens out to a neutral. That’s not that bad. Cut down all of the trees in North America, but then you got carbon-neutral boats. Pretty good.”

The second phase of the plan is to roll out cargo ships of the same nature about 2 years after the roll out of the cruise liners. According to Gordon, big brands are already investing in these eco-friendly ships.

ATLANTA, GA — The city of Atlanta was rocked earlier this morning when Adam Cole, a 43-year-old white man, was brutally killed in his friend’s basement after allegedly referring to a black man in his group of peers as “his nigga” with a nigga pass that has been expired for several months.

Cole received his first pass from a middle school friend at the age of 12, according to his mother, Irene Cole, and had gone back to that same friend to get the pass renewed yearly.

“I always reminded him as a kid to get his pass renewed, but he’d never listen. He didn’t deserve to die, but I don’t know what he expected when being so careless. You know how they get. Those dangerous nig—”

She cut herself off to rummage through her purse to pull out her pass, which doesn’t expire until next fall, and she finished her statement with the n-word— with a hard r.

The man who killed Cole is 38-year-old Andre Allen, who told us that he feels bad he had to do it, but that there was no other way to resolve the issue.

“This shit ain’t a game, bruh. You know what I’m sayin’? You don’t have a pass, you keep that word out yo mouth, you feel me?”

Allen was arrested and immediately released after telling authorities that putting him in handcuffs and holding him triggers his PTSD (post-traumatic slave disorder).

All white readers are reminded to renew their pass and to present it to the nearest black person upon use of the n-word.

EDEN PRAIRIE, MN — A local teen, Kate Robbins, shocked peers in her chemistry lab this morning when she showed up in a Yale sweatshirt. Yale, a university Kate couldn’t ever be successful enough to attend, was an interesting choice for the 18-year-old  community college student; It’s very obvious she had a specific motive behind the purchase, so we sat down with her and asked her about it.

“By getting this shirt, I’m displaying my dominance and superiority over the rest of my friends. I feel very insignificant without obtuse, petty displays of status. In a word— flexing. Constantly.”

Many in her chemistry lab were floored by the power move and some quickly attempted positioning themselves closer to Kate socially. One of Kate’s peers, Jen Donaldson, provided us a comment through text to on the situation.

“tbh she wasn’t really ever super cool but when she showed up to chem with a yale sweatshirt, we all instantly thought more of her as a person. like, she’s so cool now. and we know she has nice, smart friends!”

While the teen’s social standing has been greatly improved, the impact on her crippling loneliness has yet to be determined.

Daylight Savings Time is coming this weekend, so we are reminding all readers to be sure their clocks go forward one hour, but also to keep in mind that this is the perfect time to catch Donald Trump off guard.

We have to always be resisting the Trump administration and that means using systems we have in place to impede him from setting forth his disgusting agenda on America.

What if this Daylight Savings Time, we all came together and used the system to our advantage? It’ll be easy. Sunday at 2am, as usual, set the clock forward an hour to 3am. But also change the date to Nov. 3, 2020. The GOP won’t know what hit them.

Admittedly, we will be missing out on the #BlueMidterm2018, but that’s a price we must pay if we want Trump out as soon as possible.

Daylight Savings Time was started, as many may know, as a way to punish slaves, making them work outside in as many daylight hours as possible. The blacks, after being freed, reclaimed it and embraced it, using it as a way to hold events later in the day such as cookouts and marches. Whites during the industrial revolution appropriated it though and since then it’s been a staple of American life in most states.

It’s a disgusting practice. But let’s make it right.

This year, let’s make Daylight Savings Time work for the people it has hurt historically and against the man oppressing them. All in one motion!

GILBERT, AZ — An Arizona construction company, J.H. Wilson Labor, has announced today that they will be laying off all of their male employees (some pictured above) and replacing them with women to “kill two birds with one stone,” according to their CEO and Founder John Wilson.

“We’re doing it for two reasons specifically. First is to save money, and second is to bump up diversity numbers. Both are important and we can do both by getting rid of all men in our workforce and replacing them with women. I mean, shit. We do illegal stuff to save a few bucks here and there. You’re telling me we can save 23% legally and automatically by just not hiring men? I’m there.”

When we asked him to comment on whether or not he would also be leaving his position as CEO, he promptly asked us to leave his office.

The biggest worry the company has is whether or not they can even find women who want to or are able to take the hard labor jobs that will be opening up. The answer most people come to when asked about this is no, and after even the lightest research, we found that the answer is a hard no.

We spoke to Alexandra Philips, a local feminist, through email about this move and she described it as “a huge bummer.”

“When we said we wanted gender equality in careers, we meant in, like…better jobs? Like tech jobs! Gender equality doesn’t mean making women do hard labor. The company is well within their rights, but, like, honestly, if they want to be helpful, they should keep their status quo with male employees and instead give women the top-level jobs. Women deserve those top-level jobs.”

After being asked why she thinks construction is 3% women and if she believes there’s an underlying factor causing that, she replied with, “It’s just unladylike to work construction, okay?”

This isn’t a new thing in business, though. Companies in Silicon Valley have been pushing for more women in tech, as mentioned by Philips, but they’ve been less honest. Those companies, when discussing it, make it seem like they care about diversity, while it’s actually a huge saving for them.

J.H. Wilson Labor isn’t necessarily leading the world on inclusiveness with women, but they’re surely leading on transparency when it comes to it.

Happy International Women’s Day from everyone at APR!

University of Minnesota students have this week had a really hard choice in front of them in the divestment referendum.

For those unacquainted, the “UMN Divest referendum” thing is where a group of anti-Semites or something hate Boeing or something, and the other side consists of the Jewish frat and people who hate Palestinian kids or something and the anti-Semites want the U of M to not support the kid-hating side and the kid-hating side thinks the anti-Semitic is being anti-Semitic. I dunno. I didn’t really research.

I think the important thing to remember in this time is that regardless of which ever way it goes, it’ll surely be the beginnings of a race war. Which is exciting!

Both sides absolutely losing it surely means something is going on. This can’t just be a vote to stop money from going to companies. If that was the case, I don’t think people would care. Right?

I mean, nobody actually cares about Palestine, do they? Or Israel? If anyone actually cared about anyone in the region, it would have all been sorted out decades ago. Both the sides in the region get off to war or something, which is totally fine; I personally love war myself. My point is that it’s cool that this is coming to the US now, starting with this vote.

Again, whichever way it goes in this absolutely meaningless vote, tons of people are gonna go insane. If “Vote No” wins, they’ll buy so many Snapchat filters that we’ll have to swipe for several minutes to get the normal ones. And if “UMNDivest” wins, all Jews on campus will be forced to go back to Israel or else face the wrath of people who actually don’t care about any of this but are trying to look woke by championing Palestine.

Either way, big things are happening.

CHARLESTON, WV — Several hundred children as young as five years old were caught in a basement holding a rally this morning, the goal of which was to gather support and money to push their anti-school agenda.

The children were caught by the owner of the home, Randy Samson, who thought his child was just “having a few friends over to watch some movies.”

“You always want your children to be politically active. It’s just disappointing when they they have the wrong opinions, you know? I’m just honestly shocked he found so many people. I dunno. I guess that’s a sign of something.”

Randy’s son, Jimmy, the self-proclaimed leader of this movement, told us today he takes the strong stance that “school is drool.” He and his classmates cheered the motto, some even wearing it on matching shirts.

“I made the shirts myself, do you like them? We ran out but I can make you one if you want one. Just go tell Caiden your shirt size!”

Their teachers were shocked to hear of this news. We spoke to an art teacher, Catherine Jones, to get her thoughts:

“It’s not even the multi-million dollar campaign that they’ve got going against us —although that is super impressive— I’m just upset that they can do this at all. Like, is this even legal?”

According to our Chief Illegal Analyst Don Marco, the kids are in the clear.

“Yeah, looks like they’re good.”

The group of children, aroung 600 strong, have raised over $6 billion and distributed the funds to campaigns of many politicians to protract the strike.

It’s a huge circle jerk. What else did you expect?

Has this shit ever been any different year to year? Really think about this. You could have just as easily watched the “red carpet” bullshit and ceremony from any other year —or you could have even mixed together two different ones— and there would be no difference in your enjoyment.

Take a second to reflect on why you wanted so badly to see a recap of The Oscars that you clicked on this article. Has such loneliness and depression led your life to a point where you waste your time watching millionaires parade around pretending to care about you, social causes, or anything besides their money?

Do you genuinely believe the movie industry cares about you? Like what the hell was all of that Black Panther shit? If you’re dumb enough to think that this movie, a bland, uneventful, uninspired cash-grab, was anything more than a bunch of old white guys jerking each other off with the money they knew they’d make shoveling shit out to black audiences, there’s no help for you. I mean, do you seriously believe that anything meaningful was done there? Are you really telling yourself that they did this to benefit you or your culture or your race?

Give me a break.

And why the hell is Jimmy Kimmel hosting it? I get enough washed up, irrelevant late night shit all over my YouTube. I don’t need his goofy, nasally ass on my TV any longer than the time it takes to skip over whatever dying media station his unwatchable show is on.

You wanna know what award show I would watch? Best Snack Of 2018. I’d watch that all day long. That actually affects my life. THAT is an award show worth my time and attention. Not this “who wore a cooler costume” shit they’re blasting on my Twitter. I wanna see which new flavor of chips is the best.

All that being said, I did see Get Out and thought it was a great exploration of racial issues through a new lens. And while at the time of writing, I’m not sure if it’s won anything or not, but I really hope it does because that movie I believe is different than the rest.