Local teen buys Yale sweatshirt so people know she knows people from Yale

EDEN PRAIRIE, MN — A local teen, Kate Robbins, shocked peers in her chemistry lab this morning when she showed up in a Yale sweatshirt. Yale, a university Kate couldn’t ever be successful enough to attend, was an interesting choice for the 18-year-old  community college student; It’s very obvious she had a specific motive behind the purchase, so we sat down with her and asked her about it. “By getting this shirt, I’m displaying my dominance and superiority over the rest of my friends. I feel very insignificant without obtuse, petty displays of status. In a word— flexing. Constantly.” Many in her…

This Sunday, remember to set your clocks forward an hour and your calendars to Nov. 3, 2020

Daylight Savings Time is coming this weekend, so we are reminding all readers to be sure their clocks go forward one hour, but also to keep in mind that this is the perfect time to catch Donald Trump off guard. We have to always be resisting the Trump administration and that means using systems we have in place to impede him from setting forth his disgusting agenda on America. What if this Daylight Savings Time, we all came together and used the system to our advantage? It’ll be easy. Sunday at 2am, as usual, set the clock forward an hour…

Construction company to start hiring exclusively women to save 23% on wages

GILBERT, AZ — An Arizona construction company, J.H. Wilson Labor, has announced today that they will be laying off all of their male employees (some pictured above) and replacing them with women to “kill two birds with one stone,” according to their CEO and Founder John Wilson. “We’re doing it for two reasons specifically. First is to save money, and second is to bump up diversity numbers. Both are important and we can do both by getting rid of all men in our workforce and replacing them with women. I mean, shit. We do illegal stuff to save a few…

Opinion: The ‘UMN Divest’ referendum is literally the definition of a race war

University of Minnesota students have this week had a really hard choice in front of them in the divestment referendum. For those unacquainted, the “UMN Divest referendum” thing is where a group of anti-Semites or something hate Boeing or something, and the other side consists of the Jewish frat and people who hate Palestinian kids or something and the anti-Semites want the U of M to not support the kid-hating side and the kid-hating side thinks the anti-Semitic is being anti-Semitic. I dunno. I didn’t really research. I think the important thing to remember in this time is that regardless…

Kindergarteners of West Virginia public schools found to be lobbying against teachers

CHARLESTON, WV — Several hundred children as young as five years old were caught in a basement holding a rally this morning, the goal of which was to gather support and money to push their anti-school agenda. The children were caught by the owner of the home, Randy Samson, who thought his child was just “having a few friends over to watch some movies.” “You always want your children to be politically active. It’s just disappointing when they they have the wrong opinions, you know? I’m just honestly shocked he found so many people. I dunno. I guess that’s a…

Opinion: Missed the 2018 Oscars? I did too. I’m above such things

It’s a huge circle jerk. What else did you expect? Has this shit ever been any different year to year? Really think about this. You could have just as easily watched the “red carpet” bullshit and ceremony from any other year —or you could have even mixed together two different ones— and there would be no difference in your enjoyment. Take a second to reflect on why you wanted so badly to see a recap of The Oscars that you clicked on this article. Has such loneliness and depression led your life to a point where you waste your time watching…

Small-town school district to start ‘pet gun’ program to teach kids how to care for a handgun

MOORESVILLE, AL — The Mooresville School District announced today that they will be introducing a program in its elementary and middle schools where students will have the opportunity to get to take home the “class gun.” District Superintendent Carolyn Gilden said that after the Parkland school shooting this Valentine’s Day, she does not believe the real issues that caused the shooting are the usual suspects in these debates, but that our country has yet to normalize guns, making the gun a wonder that makes kids —and later in life, adults— nervous. So this small town in Alabama is working to…