Child dying from meningococcemia thankful she doesn’t have have to live with autism

A little girl with something to be very thankful for

KIRKLAND, WA — Penny, 9 years old, is currently suffering from the quick and painful breaking down of the walls of her blood vessels, but was relieved to find out that her mom, Traci, put her foot down to say no. “I’m not putting my child in situation where she’s at risk of getting autism and I don’t know why any other parent would. She’s already a handful to deal with now, what with her veins slowly eroding, but to imagine what it would be like to deal with both this and autism is just unimaginable.”

APR’s Chief Vaccine Correspondent Lauren Smith says it’s a common misconception that the vaccines do good. “As Traci mentioned, that vaccine would’ve just doubled the issues they would’ve had to deal with. The introduction of autism into the child’s system would’ve been severely damaging and would make it even harder to treat the meningococcemia.

The purpose of vaccines, bringing up the risk of developing autism in children, doesn’t line up with the values and goals of many in America. Most parents in the country get their children vaccinated as a show of strength, declaring they’re willing to care for a child regardless of if it has autism or not. Though, if you don’t want a child with a higher chance of the developmental disease, the fix is simple. Just tell others your child is vaccinated so you can still feel good about yourself, but don’t actually get your child vaccinated so you can deal with any issues that your child has free from the shackles that autism would’ve put on your family.

9 year old Penny is delighted to learn about the horrifying condition she narrowly avoided and even told our Lauren Smith, “I’m happy I don’t have autism, but aren’t I still really sick? I don’t know. I guess I have it pretty alright. My mom told me with autism they have to amputate your whole arms and legs instead of just hands and feet like me so I’m thankful for that.” Penny’s mom, who had been checking Pinterest throughout the entire interview with her daughter, was quick to interject asking us to, “not print that.”

We at APR have chosen to take Traci’s statement literally, so we won’t be printing anything and will just be posting it on our website.

Local boy saved from death with thoughts and prayers on Facebook

The power of prayer shines today.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — At the Children’s Hospital today, a young boy, 8, was saved from a nasty fate this morning. Ready to be pronounced dead by doctors, a pretty close family friend’s last ditch Facebook post is what rescued the boy, Andrew. According to a source close to the situation, the post said, “We have you in our thoughts and prayers, Drew.” It was that post, according to Pastor Robert Toth, that saved little Andrew’s life.

Pastor Toth told us that the power of prayer is a strong one and shouldn’t be overlooked. “Today thoughts and prayers are thrown around so liberally, but their strength can’t be understated. And this situation is just a reminder of that,” he said in a written statement today. We reached out to the poster of the life saving Facebook and she told us in a phone interview, “I kinda forgot to actually pray, but, hey- glad I could help!”

Dr. Raymond Hardy, a specialist at the hospital who claims he had done CPR on the child moments before the miraculous recovery, says that he is shocked by the outcome. “We usually don’t expect such a powerful and meaningful gesture to save a life, especially for a kid who nobody really likes a whole lot,” Dr. Hardy told APR earlier today. “I thought the CPR was what did it, but when the parents were raving at how happy they were for the thoughts and prayers that saved their son, what else is one to think? I mean- it wouldn’t make much sense if I wasn’t getting credit for it if I actually had done anything meaningful.”

Thoughts and prayers are an important part of any recovery process, according a representative from the Children’s Hospital, and without them countless kids would die prematurely by hours or a day or two. Addicially, when thoughts and prayers are sent through Facebook, their impact is substantially increased. “Doctors have always been a last resort, and we want to keep it that way,” said Pastor Toth. “Prayer comes first and, if you can help it, make sure it’s the only step you take. In my research, doctors inhibit a true connection between the ill and God.” And important lesson learned in all of this, indeed.

Report: “Syrian Refugees” are actually humans

Refugees just as human as us? UNICEF says yes

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — The Refugee Crisis has been an issue since about 2011 since the beginning of the Syrian Civil War, but it hasn’t always been that big of a deal because the common belief was that the refugees were less than human so it was all okay. But according to a report by UNICEF, it turns out the Syrian refugees are actually people who are the same as us.

The report clarifies that there are obvious differences between us and the refugees like language and some cultural differences, but if you over look those, as the report recommends, they look like real people with real emotions.

This groundbreaking report is a massive departure from what was previously believed to be fact; This also may lead to some calls for policy changes which, as is standard, will be swiftly shut down in favor of more pressing issues like getting rid of the EPA.

Just outside of our Minneapolis headquarters, we stopped passersby and asked them what they thought about the UNICEF report.

Heather Smith, a middle-aged stay-at-home mom, only responded with, “Huh… I guess I never really thought about it that way,” when asked about what she thought about it. Her response echoed many of the other responses we received about the report. Made clear by our informal survey, the American public was content with believing the refugees are not actually real humans, but passively so. Nobody really thought complexly about it.

APR’s Chief Psychology Analyst, Victor Booth, says that the reason for this is very simple. “Well, y’know,” he told us over the phone, “when all you hear and see is that they’re scum, burdens, foreign looking, what are you supposed to think? You’d be a fool for just assuming they’re people just on a limb like that. I personally don’t blame the American public.” He went on to say that even if we knew the refugees were people from the beginning, “it was probably better for our mental well being to just deny that idea.”

The idea that people – real people who have real feelings – are suffering so much is taxing for our minds to think about. The mental faculties required to take that in are too valuable to spend on a situation if you aren’t sure if those suffering are actually human beings. With this new set of information, ignoring the Syrian refugee crisis has become slightly more depressing for those of us who’d rather not think about it. With that said though, Booth also tells us that even with this new information, we can still convince ourselves that the refugees are sub-human – thus making ignoring them much easier. Surly, that elegant solution of just ignoring them anyway is much more appealing and achievable than any alternatives people are suggesting, so we at APR recommend you just continue ignoring them.

President Trump: Я серьезно нужна помощь, Путин.

Our President: More cultured than we thought!

WASHINGTON D.C. — Whispering under his breath during an interview today, President Trump surprisingly spoke in perfectly fluent Russian according to our Russian White House Correspondent, Василий Виноградов.When our correspondent asked for the President to repeat what he said, all he responded with was a confused look.

We would report on what that quote means, but Виноградов, whenever confronted, stares through the window in his office facing a vacant building followed by a panicked “no”.

Regardless of what the quote says, we here at APR have a sense of pride that the President is pursuing knowledge. As a president, Trump has a busy life and for him to make time to learn a whole other language for leisure shows great character. An inspiration for all, truly. Kids across the country can look at Trump as a signal for what they can do when they dedicate time to a fun activity.

If our president can lead the country and culture himself at the same time, there’s truly nothing we can’t do!

NASA: First mass shooting on moon to happen by 2040

NASA/NRA Joint Statement:”Lunar Massacre” should be a good one

HAMPTON, VA — In a joint statement this afternoon with the NRA, NASA’s Langley Research Center in Virginia has announced that the first mass shooting on the moon will take place by 2040 “at the latest”. For decades, NASA’s efforts to achieve moon colonization have been negligible, but today’s statement is seen by many as a great step forward for the agency.

The statement outlines a several point plan crafted by the two organizations to ensure the “adequate social climate for a shooting on the moon of a semi large to large size to happen”. The methods of achieving such a climate are ones that will be gradual, but will “most definitely be the quickest and most effective ways we can think of to pull it off”, according to the press release from today. Along with the guns already being provided to those chosen to live NASA’s upcoming colony on the moon, the NRA is working with the government agency to conduct background checks to, “ensure those going to the moon and getting guns are definitely mentally ill and primed to ‘do it’, if you know what we mean,” according to representatives from both organizations

Kent Moore, President of the NRA Civil Rights In Space Defence Fund, a subsidiary of the NRA, exclaimed after the announcement that he is, “relieved that Americans get to maintain such a fundamental part of the American dream, even on the moon. Why would we allow for a generation to grow up without that vital aspect of daily life?”

The impact of this pledge is resonating with many Americans who have felt wary of space colonization because of the possibility of restricted rights on those colonies. “In America,” Lamar Neilson of the Lunar Rights Foundation told us, “the odds of dying in a mass shooting are unparalleled anywhere else in the world. It’s just part of being an American.” He continued, saying, “Americans on Earth shouldn’t be treated differently from their lunar counterparts. At the Lunar Rights Foundation, we refuse to stay silent on this and we’ll fight for Americans on the moon to live in the same fear of a random mass slaughter Americans on Earth experience.”

Dawn Willson, strong critic of the statement and former member of her local elementary school’s PTO, has come out calling it “a disgusting outrage” shortly after its release. On her private blog she, and many like her, declared her rage stating that, “This nonsense press release falls way too short of what I wanted. Are you guys kidding me with this? 2040? It’s flooring that we’re going to be waiting that long for something that I think is just common sense. My kids are expecting mass shootings. I’ve gotten them prepared. I’ve put fear in them. And now we’re going to be sitting around for more than 20 years?”

She and others have pointed out, rightfully so, that we must be thinking of the children throughout all of this. As Americans, we at APR News agree that we need to strive as a society to make sure this central tenet of American life isn’t sacrificed on any future space endeavors. We left our flag on the moon as a mark that America has a presence there. We need to go back and leave a mark of our culture.