MINNEAPOLIS, MN — According to a new poll by Pew, 76% of teens in the US would definitely kill themselves in a, “joking kinda way.” The poll comes as many teens in America have been finding reprieve in knowing that depression and suicide are no longer taken seriously. APR’s Chief Suicide Correspondent, Albert Gordon, tells us that most teens are happy that overblown issues of depression and suicide are okay to talk about lightly to describe mild inconveniences, as opposed to reserving such statements to those suffering from those fake ailments.

“Vanity depression,” speaking as though one has depression while also understanding that such an illness has yet to be proven, has been on the rise especially with teens who like sympathy. Our Chief Anxiety Correspondent, May Spencer, is concerned however that this recent trend is delegitimatizing mental health causes.

“In the mental health community we’re all faking it for attention, and the better fakers get more attention. But when everyone is throwing around pleas for death in such a joking manner, it strips away the legitimacy of those of us who are legitimately faking a mental disease.”

In the past few years, vanity depression has eaten away at the divide between the fakers and the liars. Office Intern Anthony Ellis helped offer some insight into the world of vanity depression and why it’s as big as it is. Anthony, a local 13 year old, told us that vanity depression is “fun.”

“Everyone knows I won’t kill myself but it makes my feelings easier to understand,” he said. “Because everyone jokes about it all the time, only the good fakers make it, and those really good fakers are the funnest to laugh at and we wanna see more of them.” He went on to describe the fact that he and his friends have a hard time understanding each other’s feelings, so light hyperbole is needed to make sure the message comes across.

Vanity depression is also used as a means to become more liked. Anthony told us early this morning through an Xbox Live message that when “people say edgy things like that, they’re a lot cooler.”

He added that he knows his friends don’t care about mental illness, but it all sounds edgy so they like using the terms. When we asked the young man on what he thought specifically about depression and suicide, and how he thinks people feel when those terms are used in such a liberal manner, he called our reporter “gay” and signed out of Xbox Live.

The Pew Poll shows Spencer just how outgoing people who misappropriate culture have become. To her, people like Anthony are stealing part of her identity and making it their own, with their own twists that don’t conform to reality.

“How would you feel if, as a righty, I just started using left-handed scissors but I flipped them upside down when I did it so my right hand would fit properly?” Spencer said while providing a visual demonstration. “You see? Not as fun when I do it.”

For people with mental illness, it’s usually their one identifiable characteristic as a person, and usurping such an intrinsic part of one’s identity is as bad as it gets when it comes to cultural appropriation.

The left, who is usually fine tuned to be outwardly angry online and in the street —when they can be bothered— seems to be playing the largest role in all of this. Alt-left websites like Tumblr, a hotbed for neo-fascist propaganda, are constantly flooded with messages about people claiming to want to kill themselves. To some, the hypocrisy displayed really hurts.

Spencer and so many other liars are looking for a world where they can go about their day pretending that they have “real” issues without their heritage being stolen away from them. Pew has reminded America that it has a lot of work to do in making society a fairer and better place for all.

WASHINGTON D.C. — Tonight President Trump will address congress on the specifics of the kind of dystopian future he has in mind for the country. The most anticipated thing on the president’s docket is the fate of Obamacare. Yesterday in a meeting with several governors , Trump exclaimed in befuddlement, “Nobody knew health care could be so complicated.” Hopefully the president has had sometime to read about it on the Wikipedia page in preparation for his speech.

Democrats also have some preparing to do before Trump’s speech tonight. Steve Beshear, former governor of Kentucky, is going to be making the official Democratic rebuttal in defence of the ACA. Unofficially though, Democrats across the country are gearing up for an intellectual and impassioned debate through Twitter using funny reaction gifs.

While explaining his faults in communicating his faults, Trump quite eloquently summed it up by saying, ““I think I’ve done great things, but I don’t think I have — I and my people — I don’t think we’ve explained it well enough to the American public.” In terms of how he’s done generally, he believes he deserves an A – which he’s working to achieve with his teachers and counselors.

In the address tonight, the president’s goal is to articulate what he’s done so far and what his plans for the future are. According to several sources who have illegally leaked information to APR, Republican lawmakers are worried he’s going to do “a little too much articulation”. Our unethical, anonymous source added, “We’re honestly still reeling from that time Trump said that we’d have ‘healthcare for everyone’ that one time. We don’t wanna be writing checks our asses can’t cash, y’know what I mean?” Republicans are bracing for new positions that they may have to take starting tonight and they are going to have to think hard about their priorities; “An off script President Trump might just promise no taxes, for example, so we have to figure out how we incorporate ideas like that, and others that we’ve sworn against, into talking points that we make to the media.”

The Democrats are supposed to have a good night. It’s impossible to be stressed out about talking points if you just ignore who’s making them.

Be sure to join APR tonight in our live blog coverage tonight of Trump’s comments as they happen.

MELBOURNE, FL — During a rally in the same vein as a campaign style rally today —because presidents usually continue campaigning until around their sixth month of presidency— President Trump, after adjusting his microphone, repeatedly yelled at his crowd to “Look at what’s happening,” but forgot to say exactly what to look at. Confusion spread in the masses, as they all wanted to follow directions, but didn’t know what to do.

This crowd, containing several million people according to Sean Spicer in a frantic email we just received, isn’t the first to be confused by the order to look at things that are going on. During a campaign speech several months ago, then-Republican nominee Trump had to be cut short from screaming the order to supporters in Kansas after several had panic attacks due to the confusion.

According to our Chief Anxiety Correspondent May Spencer, panic attacks and other anxiety at Trump rallies have been uncommon, but “they spike up when he says things like this.”

“I usually just cover my ears when I can tell he’s gearing up to start telling me where to be looking,” says Spencer, who’s been an expert in anxiety for her whole life. “If he does say where I should be looking, I do and then I’m terrified of what I see. If I don’t know where I’m supposed to be looking, I’m not doing my civic duty because I’m disobeying our leader.”

She said all this while crying in the fetal position. After letting her cry it out for a while, she told us that she, like many other supporters, are scared to disappoint President Trump and just want to please him.

A Trump aide told us over phone interview that this issue is one that they’re looking into: “Trump just wants to make sure his supporters are on their toes and are looking out for things. We have the most knowledgeable base of support and they’re aware of all of these events.”

“So many bad things happening if you just look around; honestly, I encourage you to just look around and see what’s going on out there,” the aide told Spencer, who had to be airlifted to her hiding spot underneath her bed at home.

The speech carried on through the several panic attacks and seizures in the crowd.