HOLLYWOOD, FL — Crown Cruise Line has announced that they are unveiling a next-generation cruiseliner that doesn’t rely on fossil fuels to run. Instead, the luxury vessel requires its passengers to row to their destination.

Crown Cruise Line CEO Mathew Gordon said in an email that this is an important move to help curb his company’s impact on global climate change.

“Boats are the number one polluters in the world,” Gordon wrote. “We feel it is our duty as citizens of the Earth to stop as much of it as possible. In this life, we have to make sacrifices for the greater good. Our company is willing to let go of some luxury and some comfort for the greater good.”

Environmentalists are outraged by the planned switch to manual cruise ships because they believe the toll it will have on the environment will be unlike anything the world has ever seen.

Gordon says his company does have plans to cut down every tree in North America to produce the boats. APR’s Chief Tree Hugging Correspondent Elizabeth James reports that with the number of boats that need to be made there will surely make a negative impact on the globe.

But many are skeptical of these supposed negative effects. Victor Polanski, an adamant denier of the environment, says there’s nothing to fear.

“You’re getting points at the front end, and they’re taking some at the back. It’s a win-lose that evens out to a neutral. That’s not that bad. Cut down all of the trees in North America, but then you got carbon-neutral boats. Pretty good.”

The second phase of the plan is to roll out cargo ships of the same nature about 2 years after the roll out of the cruise liners. According to Gordon, big brands are already investing in these eco-friendly ships.

GILBERT, AZ — An Arizona construction company, J.H. Wilson Labor, has announced today that they will be laying off all of their male employees (some pictured above) and replacing them with women to “kill two birds with one stone,” according to their CEO and Founder John Wilson.

“We’re doing it for two reasons specifically. First is to save money, and second is to bump up diversity numbers. Both are important and we can do both by getting rid of all men in our workforce and replacing them with women. I mean, shit. We do illegal stuff to save a few bucks here and there. You’re telling me we can save 23% legally and automatically by just not hiring men? I’m there.”

When we asked him to comment on whether or not he would also be leaving his position as CEO, he promptly asked us to leave his office.

The biggest worry the company has is whether or not they can even find women who want to or are able to take the hard labor jobs that will be opening up. The answer most people come to when asked about this is no, and after even the lightest research, we found that the answer is a hard no.

We spoke to Alexandra Philips, a local feminist, through email about this move and she described it as “a huge bummer.”

“When we said we wanted gender equality in careers, we meant in, like…better jobs? Like tech jobs! Gender equality doesn’t mean making women do hard labor. The company is well within their rights, but, like, honestly, if they want to be helpful, they should keep their status quo with male employees and instead give women the top-level jobs. Women deserve those top-level jobs.”

After being asked why she thinks construction is 3% women and if she believes there’s an underlying factor causing that, she replied with, “It’s just unladylike to work construction, okay?”

This isn’t a new thing in business, though. Companies in Silicon Valley have been pushing for more women in tech, as mentioned by Philips, but they’ve been less honest. Those companies, when discussing it, make it seem like they care about diversity, while it’s actually a huge saving for them.

J.H. Wilson Labor isn’t necessarily leading the world on inclusiveness with women, but they’re surely leading on transparency when it comes to it.

Happy International Women’s Day from everyone at APR!