Earth Day is today, apparently, and I’m honestly getting sick of this nonsense. The only reason why Earth Day is still even a thing in 2018 is because we need a Hallmark holiday to remind ourselves to not be complete pieces of shit about our Earth.

So, y’know what? I’m done pandering. From now on, environmentalism is ONLY big action. Environmentalism is ONLY drastic change. We are NOT saving the world by putting our paper and glass in different colored bins. How we will change things is by doing something big.

I want everyone who is reading this to go outside, flip their car, and burn it. Right now. Dispose of your filthy vehicle. And DO NOT just “sell it.” That thought process is problematic as hell. Would you “just sell” a barrel of radioactive material? No. You’d flip that shit in your driveway and burn it to make sure it’s gone for good.

The whole idea of buying and selling cars makes me feel dirty. I mean, who actually does that?! It’s so perverse and slimy but we all just do it so casually. Would you buy and sell a human? It’s basically the same thing. Except it’s worse because cars are actively destroying the Earth, killing our children, and prolonging wars in the Middle East.

I’m not saying anything too wild here. I need every car in the United States DESTROYED by midnight. And don’t think simply pushing it off a bridge will do. That shit will be salvaged and sold off to third world countries where they know less and they’ll hurt the environment even more. Total it. Starting April 23, NOBODY should have a car. That is how change is made. All at once.

If I see even one car on the highway tomorrow while I’m on my commute to work (Sorry but I CANNOT destroy my car as it’s the only mode of transportation and I’m actually going through a hard time right and need this job, but I am pledging to recycle starting next week to do my part!), I’m going to scream. I literally can’t handle all of you fakes.


HOLLYWOOD, FL — Crown Cruise Line has announced that they are unveiling a next-generation cruiseliner that doesn’t rely on fossil fuels to run. Instead, the luxury vessel requires its passengers to row to their destination.

Crown Cruise Line CEO Mathew Gordon said in an email that this is an important move to help curb his company’s impact on global climate change.

“Boats are the number one polluters in the world,” Gordon wrote. “We feel it is our duty as citizens of the Earth to stop as much of it as possible. In this life, we have to make sacrifices for the greater good. Our company is willing to let go of some luxury and some comfort for the greater good.”

Environmentalists are outraged by the planned switch to manual cruise ships because they believe the toll it will have on the environment will be unlike anything the world has ever seen.

Gordon says his company does have plans to cut down every tree in North America to produce the boats. APR’s Chief Tree Hugging Correspondent Elizabeth James reports that with the number of boats that need to be made there will surely make a negative impact on the globe.

But many are skeptical of these supposed negative effects. Victor Polanski, an adamant denier of the environment, says there’s nothing to fear.

“You’re getting points at the front end, and they’re taking some at the back. It’s a win-lose that evens out to a neutral. That’s not that bad. Cut down all of the trees in North America, but then you got carbon-neutral boats. Pretty good.”

The second phase of the plan is to roll out cargo ships of the same nature about 2 years after the roll out of the cruise liners. According to Gordon, big brands are already investing in these eco-friendly ships.

Here at APR, we’re strong believers that the environment exists. So much so that we have gathered our top five tips for you to consider incorporating into your life to make sure that the environment keeps existing!

1.) Go on a meat-exclusive diet


The whole point of Earth Day is doing our part by saving the environment, right? And what better way is there than to transition to an all-meat diet. Last we checked, animals aren’t green, so the Earth doesn’t need them. In fact, Mother Nature would appreciate you getting rid of all of these pests like cows and chickens because they’re walking all over her lawn.

2.) Exercise less often

obesity-stockThat’s right! We’re asking you to stop doing your New Year’s Resolution! Hard, we know. But stick with us here. The more you exercise, the more calories you need to intake to maintain your body. So if you exercise less, you’ll have to eat fewer calories, meaning you save food! There are kids in Africa who would love your food, but your selfishly hogging it by KNOWINGLY draining your body of resources quicker than usual.

3.) Save water by packing the inside of your mouth with salt


This is an easy one. Just make sure the inside of your mouth is coated with as much salt as possible. This will dry your mouth out so your body will have to produce more saliva that you will swallow, leading to you needing to drink water less! If you get hungry, DO NOT take out the salt. Just swallow some of it and pack in more salt.

4.) Be proactive


This one is huge! Gather some friends to climb up the chimney of a factory and breath in as much of the pollution as possible before it messes up the atmosphere. We recommend bringing along as many friends as possible, so when one person passes out and slides head first down the chimney there can be another to replace them.

5.) Stop littering into our atmosphere


When people think of litter, what they most likely think of is a can of soda left in the grass of a park; The littering you usually don’t think of is what you do every time you exhale. This is important. Humans are essentially like cars because both exhale CO2 into the atmosphere. Here’s our little tip. Breathe in normally but exhale into a paper bag and seal it closed. Continue doing this for every time you exhale and be sure to send your bags to a facility to be recycled.
Bonus tip: Since you already are carrying so many paper bags because of our previous tip, use one to seal up the tailpipe of your car! How can your car pollute if the tailpipe is sealed off with a paper bag?

Have a nice, environmentally cautious Earth Day!