MOORESVILLE, AL — The Mooresville School District announced today that they will be introducing a program in its elementary and middle schools where students will have the opportunity to get to take home the “class gun.”

District Superintendent Carolyn Gilden said that after the Parkland school shooting this Valentine’s Day, she does not believe the real issues that caused the shooting are the usual suspects in these debates, but that our country has yet to normalize guns, making the gun a wonder that makes kids —and later in life, adults— nervous.

So this small town in Alabama is working to correct the mystification of guns from the source: In the new program each student is allowed to take home a shared gun, issued to each homeroom class, that they have to take care of for a weekend. Care, according to Gilden, includes things like cleaning and inspection of the weapon.

Gilden released a statement explaining why the program is important to her students and what potential benefit such a program could provide:

“When things are restricted from kids to see, touch, or experience, the kids gravitate toward it more. And by giving them a gun to take care of, they feel normal around the weapon so it’s less of a fear. And also, we believe this will discourage any school shootings in the future two-fold. First, every class now has a weapon in the teacher’s desk. If a shooter were to try and harm students, there would be a defensive weapon at the ready for the teacher to use. Second, making the gun more of a normality means that any school shooter will have to do something more creative to receive the validation that all of them so desperately want. Overall, we just want to cultivate a community of people who understand guns and know how to take care of them.”

The move is seen by many in the community as a controversial one. Some believe giving each homeroom a gun to share amongst the students is basically communism, while others believe it’s ablest, as kids with ADHD won’t be able to get enough one-on-one time with the gun.

MIAMI, FL — Anthony Myers, 48, (pictured above) was sitting in his Miami home earlier this morning when he was confronted with several social media posts all urging for action to be taken following the tragedy in Parkland this Wednesday, and he asked himself a question many of us all ask after each of these tragedies.

“I dunno. It’s just, I’m getting to be an old guy and I don’t really have all of that energy I used to. Nothing is gonna happen with this gun business, so why should I even care?”

Myers, a lifelong Democrat, says that when he was younger he was always hoping for tighter restrictions on guns but now feels conflicted. He could either spend the little amount of mental energy he has left on “getting the ball rolling or at least something,” as a Facebook post he showed us said, or he could just say he supports the cause to look good while not actually doing anything to help solve the gun issue, just as everyone else does.

“Does that make me a bad guy? You got these kids virtually screaming at me saying something’s gotta be done, I’ve got my wife telling me she wishes I’d cook for her like I used to, my kids don’t call anymore; I’m a busy guy. Just give me the bumper sticker or whatever you’re selling and that’s it.”

Julia Myers, 47, shares her husband’s sentiment and agrees that he should do more cooking like he used to do for her.

“Those were the days. My Tony used to treat me so well and now all he does is talk to me about cryptocurrency and why Millennials have it so bad. I’m sorry, what was the question?”

APR Intern Ed Harrison hadn’t actually asked any question, but when he pressed her for comment about the gun issue she said, “Wait why do you ask? Did another shooting happen?” She then quickly ran to her kitchen, pulled out a “Schools must be safe for our children” bumper sticker from a drawer, and put it on her Prius parked in the driveway.

Eden Prairie, MN — Today the APR News inbox was filled after the shooting in Parkland, Florida with many stories from the front lines.

The biggest story comes from a teen, David Brown (pictured above), from Eden Prairie. Brown, a senior at Eden Prairie High School, was at lunch when he thought of the heartwarming, insightful tweet that was going to get him the girl he’s been crushing on for years.

“I was on my third serving of chicken nuggets when it all rushed over me like a tidal wave,” Brown wrote to us in an email. “[And] when I finished the tweet, I couldn’t contain my excitement. I knew I was gonna finally get her to talk to me.”

Screen Shot 2018-02-14 at 11.04.46 PM
The tweet that helped David get the girl of his dreams

According to APR’s Love Correspondent April May, this kind of thing “gets ladies going,” although nobody was really paying attention to what she was saying because everyone was so mesmerized by the fact that her name has two months in it. When questioned what the names of her children are, she responded only with, “That’s none of your business.”

Brown’s new girl, Shelby Sullivan, told us that when she saw the tweet, she was moved by it and that it really made her think.

“Like, if you think about it, the government is just sitting there and doing nothing when people are dying! And, like, I don’t understand it either! Just like David! So, like, when he DMed me with his tweet I was honestly blown away. He has such insight.”

April May (who we’re still kinda confused about; was it a marriage thing or did her parents actually name their child April May? And do you think it’s possible she named her child after another month? Like, we know she has a daughter because she mentioned picking her up after work one day, but we didn’t get a name) also told us that this kind of thing is common. “Teens these days — ” but was cut off when our Chief Vinegar-Based Coleslaw Correspondent, Jeff Lincoln, exclaimed that he found May’s daughter on Facebook, stating that the 15-year-old girl is named June May.

His tweet did fail to “get the ball rolling on change” as he stated his secondary goal with the tweet was, but it did secure him with a partner for the foreseeable next few months, as David is known to be a serial cheater with communication issues according to friends and family we spoke to today.

The higher-ups at APR want to inform all readers that we won’t be actually reporting on the shooting itself because, “Well, it’s kinda a huge bummer. Also, if we, like, miss this one, there will probably be another tomorrow or something.”

HAMPTON, VA — In a joint statement this afternoon with the NRA, NASA’s Langley Research Center in Virginia has announced that the first mass shooting on the moon will take place by 2040 “at the latest.” For decades, NASA’s efforts to achieve moon colonization have been negligible, but today’s statement is seen by many as a great step forward for the agency.

The statement outlines a plan crafted by the two organizations to ensure the “adequate social climate for a shooting on the moon of a semi-large size to happen.” The methods to achieve such a climate are ones that will be gradual but will “most definitely be the quickest and most effective ways we can think of to pull it off,” according to the press release from today.

Along with the guns already being provided to those chosen to live NASA’s upcoming colony on the moon, the NRA is working with the government agency to conduct background checks, to “ensure those going to the moon and getting guns are definitely mentally ill and primed to ‘do it’, if you know what we mean,” according to representatives from both organizations.

“I’m relieved that Americans get to maintain such a fundamental part of the American dream, even on the moon,” Kent Moore, President of the Civil Rights In Space Defense Fund, a subsidiary of the NRA, exclaimed after the announcement. “Why would we allow a generation to grow up without this vital aspect of daily life?”

The impact of this pledge is resonating with many Americans, who have felt wary of space colonization because of the possibility of restricted rights on those colonies.

“In America,” Lamar Neilson of the Lunar Rights Foundation told us, “the odds of dying in a mass shooting are unparalleled anywhere else in the world. It’s just part of being an American. Those on Earth shouldn’t be treated differently from their lunar counterparts. At the Lunar Rights Foundation, we refuse to stay silent on this. We will fight for Americans on the moon to live in the same fear of a random mass slaughter Earthen Americans experience.”

Dawn Wilson, a strong critic of the statement and former member of her local elementary school’s PTO, has called it “a disgusting outrage” shortly after its release. On her blog she, and many like her, declared her rage:

“This nonsense press release falls way too short of what I wanted. Are you kidding me with this? 2040? It’s flooring that we’ll be waiting that long for something I think is just common sense. My kids are expecting mass shootings. I’ve got them prepared. I’ve put fear in them. And now we’re going to be sitting around for more than 20 years?”

She and others have pointed out, rightfully so, that we must be thinking of the children throughout all of this. As Americans ourselves, we at APR News agree that we need to strive as a society to make sure this central tenet of American life isn’t sacrificed on any future space endeavors. We left our flag on the moon as a mark that America has a presence there. We need to go back and leave a mark of our culture.