EDEN PRAIRIE, MN — A local teen, Kate Robbins, shocked peers in her chemistry lab this morning when she showed up in a Yale sweatshirt. Yale, a university Kate couldn’t ever be successful enough to attend, was an interesting choice for the 18-year-old  community college student; It’s very obvious she had a specific motive behind the purchase, so we sat down with her and asked her about it.

“By getting this shirt, I’m displaying my dominance and superiority over the rest of my friends. I feel very insignificant without obtuse, petty displays of status. In a word— flexing. Constantly.”

Many in her chemistry lab were floored by the power move and some quickly attempted positioning themselves closer to Kate socially. One of Kate’s peers, Jen Donaldson, provided us a comment through text to on the situation.

“tbh she wasn’t really ever super cool but when she showed up to chem with a yale sweatshirt, we all instantly thought more of her as a person. like, she’s so cool now. and we know she has nice, smart friends!”

While the teen’s social standing has been greatly improved, the impact on her crippling loneliness has yet to be determined.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Today, the offices of APR News are abuzz with excitement because today is the birthday of our founder, Abu Hameed Hassani Sheikh Abdul-Qasim Smith.

Turning 326, he says he’s celebrating like he does every birthday: by trying not to spill drinks in the casket.

“I hate being buried in the ground for 364 days a year with the smell of drinks in there. It’s awful cause if there’s a spot we miss, we gotta wait until next year when I’m brought back up to fix it. It’s a disaster all around,” he told us in an impromptu all-hands meeting this morning.

Abu Hameed Hassani Sheikh Abdul-Qasim Smith was born in what would become Minneapolis in 1691. There are no records of his birth or who his parents are, but he insists we stop asking about it. As a young boy, he’s always had zero interest in news or journalism, but grew fascinated with it after his 3rd death in 1869 and later started APR News. He was the Chief Editor and Chief Reincarnation and Resurrection Correspondent until his final passing in 1953, when he decided to only resurrect himself on his birthday.

In honor of our founder’s birthday, we are all taking the rest of the day off but will resume normal reporting tomorrow, barring some global catastrophe that needs to be addressed.

Happy birthday, Abu Hameed Hassani Sheikh Abdul-Qasim Smith!

MENLO PARK, CALIFORNIA — Facebook has announced today that is it launching a joint effort with The American Red Cross to figure out how to convert likes on Facebook into food to send to impoverished people across the globe. According to the social media giant, most people care enough to like photos of starving children, but don’t want to be inconvenienced by having to find their wallet to donate to the Red Cross and other organizations.

Mark Zuckerberg sat down with APR’s Chief Poverty Correspondent Bryan Graff and told us more about the initiative:

“At Facebook, we strive to do the most good we can in the world and we think that with this we can continue doing this.”

Working closely with the scientific community, Zuckerberg tells us that the process of converting likes on pictures and even text posts is close to being perfected. This conversion method is very closely guarded but, according to a source within The American Red Cross, the process is a lengthy one.

For years, the best mode of activism on Facebook is liking posts because it’s streamlined. It shows your support but you also don’t need to go to an entirely different website and follow arduous steps to donate.

“And that’s not even including the fact that you’re losing money,” Graff says. “In our modern age, this initiative gives us the best of both worlds: we can help without inconveniencing ourselves.”

A representative from The American Red Cross tells us that they wish people would “just send money, but if this is the best we can do, we’ll take it.” They’ve seen a loss in donation along with charities and have been looking for alternative methods of getting support to those who need it.

“In a world without donations, where do we get donations? The answer is clear: we work with what we have.”

UPDATE: According to a leaked memo from The American Red Cross, the process seems to be printing out lists of names who liked certain photos on Facebook and shipping them to Africa for kids to eat.

HEAVEN, SPIRITWORLD — Late this evening, at the close of a grueling day ensuring 12.9% of the world doesn’t have enough food to eat, God was taking a break when something caught his attention. A little girl from Utah was praying that she would get a toy to distract her from the home life with angry parents she leads.

According to an anonymous source, God originally scoffed at the prayer, but was taken aback when he noticed the girl was closing her eyes extra tight and whispering her prayer extra hard. “You don’t see such passion and commitment in a prayer, especially at so young; We just had to reward her.”

God told our source that he wants this girl to be happy so he granted her wish, with a little twist: The girl, after going back downstairs to say goodnight to her parents when she noticed them hugging and jumping up and down, screaming about how happy they are together. That’s right. God granted the ultimate wish for this girl: happy parents.

Our source tells us the girl, 7, went back upstairs in a huff and told God she just wanted the toy. This is where it gets truly inspiring. When the girl went back downstairs to get a glass of milk a few hours later, she noticed a note on the refrigerator saying that her parents were so happy that they took an impromptu vacation to be alone and weren’t coming back. And as a parting gift, they got her the exact toy she wanted!

When APR’s Chief Spiritworld Correspondent, Võ Doãn Quế, asked why not just give her to toy, our source told us that God spilled coffee on his iPad and it was acting up and followed up by telling Quế that this result was actually the best that could’ve happened. “When you think about it, the girl now has no mean parents and she has the toy. Win-win.”

Quế, an atheist, says that he’s “honestly just kinda confused, but what are you gonna do?” He goes on and says that it would’ve cost less energy to just give the girl the toy like she asked, but ended up stopping any rationalizations for anything he just heard and moved on claiming he “doesn’t care enough about this” to stay motivated on following this story.

KIRKLAND, WA — Penny, 9 years old, is currently suffering from the quick and painful breaking down of the walls of her blood vessels, but was relieved to find out that her mom, Traci, put her foot down to say no. “I’m not putting my child in situation where she’s at risk of getting autism and I don’t know why any other parent would. She’s already a handful to deal with now, what with her veins slowly eroding, but to imagine what it would be like to deal with both this and autism is just unimaginable.”

APR’s Chief Vaccine Correspondent Lauren Smith says it’s a common misconception that the vaccines do good. “As Traci mentioned, that vaccine would’ve just doubled the issues they would’ve had to deal with. The introduction of autism into the child’s system would’ve been severely damaging and would make it even harder to treat the meningococcemia.

The purpose of vaccines, bringing up the risk of developing autism in children, doesn’t line up with the values and goals of many in America. Most parents in the country get their children vaccinated as a show of strength, declaring they’re willing to care for a child regardless of if it has autism or not. Though, if you don’t want a child with a higher chance of the developmental disease, the fix is simple. Just tell others your child is vaccinated so you can still feel good about yourself, but don’t actually get your child vaccinated so you can deal with any issues that your child has free from the shackles that autism would’ve put on your family.

9-year-old Penny is delighted to learn about the horrifying condition she narrowly avoided and even told Smith, “I’m happy I don’t have autism, but aren’t I still really sick? I don’t know. I guess I have it pretty alright. My mom told me with autism they have to amputate your whole arms and legs instead of just hands and feet like me, so I’m thankful for that.”

Penny’s mom, who had been checking Pinterest throughout the entire interview with her daughter, was quick to interject, asking us to “not print that.”

We at APR have chosen to take Traci’s statement literally, so we won’t be printing anything and are simply posting it on our website.

WASHINGTON D.C. — Whispering under his breath during an interview today, President Trump surprisingly spoke in perfectly fluent Russian according to our Russian White House Correspondent, Vasiliy Vinogradov. When our correspondent asked for the President to repeat what he said, all he responded with was a confused look.

We would report on what that quote means, but Vinogradov, whenever confronted, stares through the window in his office facing a vacant building and responds with a panicked “No.”

Regardless of what the quote means, we here at APR have a sense of pride that the President is pursuing knowledge. As the president, Trump has a busy life and for him to make time to learn a whole other language for leisure shows great character. An inspiration for all, truly. Kids across the country can look at Trump as a signal for what they can do when they dedicate time to a fun activity.

If our president can lead the country and culture himself at the same time, there’s truly nothing we can’t do!