HEAVEN, SPIRITWORLD — The second coming of Christ was narrowly missed earlier today after a disgruntled Jesus ascended back up to Heaven after finding that we messed everything up while he was gone.

We tried to reach out to Jesus for comment by throwing paper airplanes with questions on them into the sky. Jesus responded by throwing a Boeing 787 Dreamliner at our Minneapolis HQ with “How’s this for a second coming?” written across the side.

What Jesus is trying to say is that we have to stop with all of these affronts against God like eating seafood, wearing mixed fabrics and not having slaves, like the Bible expressly says.

We pissed Jesus off this time but we can do better! Just follow the book better!

Happy Easter from APR News! Well… at least try to have a good one… Sorry to soil your day with this big bummer.