MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Local teen, Louis Fellman, 18, has been pretending to be a polyglot for several years, but today has been caught red-handed by his peers after not being able to fully articulate the very commonly used pharyngeal fricative. His now former best friend, Tony Moss, recounted the experience with us earlier this morning in a sit-down interview
“When we all asked him if he could give us just one, clean pharyngeal fricative, and he stupidly said a velar lateral approximant instead, we knew his ass was a poser. Like, from day one. He says he can speak Russian, Italian, Greek, Portuguese, Mandarin, Swahili, Hebrew, and a couple of others I can’t remember, but now I’m not sure. What a joke.”
When we asked Louis about, he said he’s unable to shake the feeling that he has disappointed everyone he has met or will ever meet. Or at least that’s what we think he said. We couldn’t hear him over his lateralized alveolar approximant.
He also told us today that he doesn’t even know the difference between an alveolar lateral fricative and a postalveolar lateral fricative. What a loser!
For 4/20, APR dug through Facebook to find local Baby Boomers who could come to our office and pretend they hadn’t had weed in their teens and 20s as to appear morally superior so we could get their thoughts on their ‘first time’ using the recreational drug.
David (63) — “I get it. I get the happy feeling and what not, but why does it have to be legalized? I’m smiling and I’m having fun, but since when is that a right? I’m sorry, I’m just uncomfortable with all of this.”
David got out of his chair, curled up in the corner, and started crying; According to him, he’s been in a bad spot mentally since ’82 when his favorite band, The Jam, broke up.
Richard (72) — “So, computers. Right? That iPhone on the table? If you think about it, that’s all of the paper in the world in your pocket. Isn’t that something?”
Linda (72) — “The only other time I had this it was more of a tingling feeling in my body, but this time it’s a feeling in my head. Now, why is that, Michael? I mean, um. Excuse me. Can that be off the record please?”
Michael (75) —Michael was asked how he felt, but he just fell asleep shortly after smoking.
EDEN PRAIRIE, MN — A local teen, Kate Robbins, shocked peers in her chemistry lab this morning when she showed up in a Yale sweatshirt. Yale, a university Kate couldn’t ever be successful enough to attend, was an interesting choice for the 18-year-old community college student; It’s very obvious she had a specific motive behind the purchase, so we sat down with her and asked her about it.
“By getting this shirt, I’m displaying my dominance and superiority over the rest of my friends. I feel very insignificant without obtuse, petty displays of status. In a word— flexing. Constantly.”
Many in her chemistry lab were floored by the power move and some quickly attempted positioning themselves closer to Kate socially. One of Kate’s peers, Jen Donaldson, provided us a comment through text to on the situation.
“tbh she wasn’t really ever super cool but when she showed up to chem with a yale sweatshirt, we all instantly thought more of her as a person. like, she’s so cool now. and we know she has nice, smart friends!”
While the teen’s social standing has been greatly improved, the impact on her crippling loneliness has yet to be determined.
University of Minnesota students have this week had a really hard choice in front of them in the divestment referendum.
For those unacquainted, the “UMN Divest referendum” thing is where a group of anti-Semites or something hate Boeing or something, and the other side consists of the Jewish frat and people who hate Palestinian kids or something and the anti-Semites want the U of M to not support the kid-hating side and the kid-hating side thinks the anti-Semitic is being anti-Semitic. I dunno. I didn’t really research.
I think the important thing to remember in this time is that regardless of which ever way it goes, it’ll surely be the beginnings of a race war. Which is exciting!
Both sides absolutely losing it surely means something is going on. This can’t just be a vote to stop money from going to companies. If that was the case, I don’t think people would care. Right?
I mean, nobody actually cares about Palestine, do they? Or Israel? If anyone actually cared about anyone in the region, it would have all been sorted out decades ago. Both the sides in the region get off to war or something, which is totally fine; I personally love war myself. My point is that it’s cool that this is coming to the US now, starting with this vote.
Again, whichever way it goes in this absolutely meaningless vote, tons of people are gonna go insane. If “Vote No” wins, they’ll buy so many Snapchat filters that we’ll have to swipe for several minutes to get the normal ones. And if “UMNDivest” wins, all Jews on campus will be forced to go back to Israel or else face the wrath of people who actually don’t care about any of this but are trying to look woke by championing Palestine.
Eden Prairie, MN — Today the APR News inbox was filled after the shooting in Parkland, Florida with many stories from the front lines.
The biggest story comes from a teen, David Brown (pictured above), from Eden Prairie. Brown, a senior at Eden Prairie High School, was at lunch when he thought of the heartwarming, insightful tweet that was going to get him the girl he’s been crushing on for years.
“I was on my third serving of chicken nuggets when it all rushed over me like a tidal wave,” Brown wrote to us in an email. “[And] when I finished the tweet, I couldn’t contain my excitement. I knew I was gonna finally get her to talk to me.”
According to APR’s Love Correspondent April May, this kind of thing “gets ladies going,” although nobody was really paying attention to what she was saying because everyone was so mesmerized by the fact that her name has two months in it. When questioned what the names of her children are, she responded only with, “That’s none of your business.”
Brown’s new girl, Shelby Sullivan, told us that when she saw the tweet, she was moved by it and that it really made her think.
“Like, if you think about it, the government is just sitting there and doing nothing when people are dying! And, like, I don’t understand it either! Just like David! So, like, when he DMed me with his tweet I was honestly blown away. He has such insight.”
April May (who we’re still kinda confused about; was it a marriage thing or did her parents actually name their child April May? And do you think it’s possible she named her child after another month? Like, we know she has a daughter because she mentioned picking her up after work one day, but we didn’t get a name) also told us that this kind of thing is common. “Teens these days — ” but was cut off when our Chief Vinegar-Based Coleslaw Correspondent, Jeff Lincoln, exclaimed that he found May’s daughter on Facebook, stating that the 15-year-old girl is named June May.
His tweet did fail to “get the ball rolling on change” as he stated his secondary goal with the tweet was, but it did secure him with a partner for the foreseeable next few months, as David is known to be a serial cheater with communication issues according to friends and family we spoke to today.
The higher-ups at APR want to inform all readers that we won’t be actually reporting on the shooting itself because, “Well, it’s kinda a huge bummer. Also, if we, like, miss this one, there will probably be another tomorrow or something.”
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Minneapolis was abuzz earlier today with a very impassioned protest pushing for homeless shelters to start offering different food options for the people who come in to get what sometimes is their only meal.
The protest, which was led by feminists for some reason, spanned across much of the morning hours and took place in a few areas notorious for not having a homeless issue for decades.
“The homeless people are a bit creepy, honestly, and would distract from our main message, I think,” a protester told us when asked about why no homeless people were actually at the event. “Even if they were here, how would they, like, help? If they could present their message in an impactful way, they’d have jobs.”
The main message of the protesters is that they believe homeless people deserve to be treated better when it comes to the food distributed in shelters and that they should have a higher quality of food. The food they currently have is being described as “sub par at best” by the group.
“I haven’t been to homeless shelter food kitchen thing in a while but, man, I remember going and saying to myself, ‘Wow this food isn’t that great,’ y’know what I mean? It’s ridiculous! What is this, a Walmart? These are ‘people’ right? Shouldn’t we fed them like they’re ‘people’?”
We sent APR Intern Danica Michaels to go talk to some real live homeless people to get their thoughts on the protest, but she forgot her passport at home so she couldn’t get past the checkpoints that block off the slums of Minneapolis, so we couldn’t actually get any comment from them. We presume they like it, though.
Michaels, who has had to sleep on her parents’ couch while her house is being renovated, says that she thinks this is what the homeless need to advance themselves in society.
“The people that took up this cause are really showing their knowledge of the community and its needs. This won’t fix all of their problems, obviously, but we have to start somewhere.”
The protest was met to lukewarm response by pedestrians, but organizers attribute this to the “intellectual content of their message” that forces you to think, perhaps leading most to want to internalize their thoughts instead.
HEAVEN, SPIRITWORLD — Late this evening, at the close of a grueling day ensuring 12.9% of the world doesn’t have enough food to eat, God was taking a break when something caught his attention. A little girl from Utah was praying that she would get a toy to distract her from the home life with angry parents she leads.
According to an anonymous source, God originally scoffed at the prayer, but was taken aback when he noticed the girl was closing her eyes extra tight and whispering her prayer extra hard. “You don’t see such passion and commitment in a prayer, especially at so young; We just had to reward her.”
God told our source that he wants this girl to be happy so he granted her wish, with a little twist: The girl, after going back downstairs to say goodnight to her parents when she noticed them hugging and jumping up and down, screaming about how happy they are together. That’s right. God granted the ultimate wish for this girl: happy parents.
Our source tells us the girl, 7, went back upstairs in a huff and told God she just wanted the toy. This is where it gets truly inspiring. When the girl went back downstairs to get a glass of milk a few hours later, she noticed a note on the refrigerator saying that her parents were so happy that they took an impromptu vacation to be alone and weren’t coming back. And as a parting gift, they got her the exact toy she wanted!
When APR’s Chief Spiritworld Correspondent, Võ Doãn Quế, asked why not just give her to toy, our source told us that God spilled coffee on his iPad and it was acting up and followed up by telling Quế that this result was actually the best that could’ve happened. “When you think about it, the girl now has no mean parents and she has the toy. Win-win.”
Quế, an atheist, says that he’s “honestly just kinda confused, but what are you gonna do?” He goes on and says that it would’ve cost less energy to just give the girl the toy like she asked, but ended up stopping any rationalizations for anything he just heard and moved on claiming he “doesn’t care enough about this” to stay motivated on following this story.
KIRKLAND, WA — Penny, 9 years old, is currently suffering from the quick and painful breaking down of the walls of her blood vessels, but was relieved to find out that her mom, Traci, put her foot down to say no. “I’m not putting my child in situation where she’s at risk of getting autism and I don’t know why any other parent would. She’s already a handful to deal with now, what with her veins slowly eroding, but to imagine what it would be like to deal with both this and autism is just unimaginable.”
APR’s Chief Vaccine Correspondent Lauren Smith says it’s a common misconception that the vaccines do good. “As Traci mentioned, that vaccine would’ve just doubled the issues they would’ve had to deal with. The introduction of autism into the child’s system would’ve been severely damaging and would make it even harder to treat the meningococcemia.”
The purpose of vaccines, bringing up the risk of developing autism in children, doesn’t line up with the values and goals of many in America. Most parents in the country get their children vaccinated as a show of strength, declaring they’re willing to care for a child regardless of if it has autism or not. Though, if you don’t want a child with a higher chance of the developmental disease, the fix is simple. Just tell others your child is vaccinated so you can still feel good about yourself, but don’t actually get your child vaccinated so you can deal with any issues that your child has free from the shackles that autism would’ve put on your family.
9-year-old Penny is delighted to learn about the horrifying condition she narrowly avoided and even told Smith, “I’m happy I don’t have autism, but aren’t I still really sick? I don’t know. I guess I have it pretty alright. My mom told me with autism they have to amputate your whole arms and legs instead of just hands and feet like me, so I’m thankful for that.”
Penny’s mom, who had been checking Pinterest throughout the entire interview with her daughter, was quick to interject, asking us to “not print that.”
We at APR have chosen to take Traci’s statement literally, so we won’t be printing anything and are simply posting it on our website.
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — At the Children’s Hospital today, Andrew Terrell, 8, was saved from a nasty fate this morning. Ready to be pronounced dead by doctors, a close family friend’s last-ditch Facebook post is what rescued the boy. According to a source close to the situation, the post said, “We have you in our thoughts and prayers, Drew.”
It was that post, according to Pastor Robert Toth, that saved little Andrew’s life.
Pastor Toth told us that the power of prayer is a strong one and shouldn’t be overlooked. “Today, thoughts and prayers are thrown around so liberally, but their strength can’t be understated. And this situation is just a reminder of that,” he said in a written statement today. We reached out to the poster of the life-saving Facebook and she told us in a phone interview, “I forgot to actually pray, but, hey— glad I could help!”
Dr. Raymond Hardy, a specialist at the hospital who claims to have performed CPR on the child moments before the miraculous recovery, says that he is shocked by the outcome. “We usually don’t expect such a powerful and meaningful gesture to save a life, especially for a kid who nobody likes a whole lot,” Dr. Hardy told APR. “I thought the CPR was what did it, but when the parents were raving at how happy they were for the thoughts and prayers that saved their son, what else is one to think? It wouldn’t make much sense if I wasn’t getting credit for it if I actually had done anything meaningful.”
Thoughts and prayers are an important part of any recovery process, according a representative from the Children’s Hospital, and without them countless kids would die prematurely by hours or a day or two. Additionally, when thoughts and prayers are sent through Facebook, their impact is substantially increased.
“Doctors have always been a last resort, and we want to keep it that way,” said Pastor Toth. “Prayer comes first and, if you can help it, make sure it’s the only step you take. In my research, doctors inhibit a true connection between the ill and God.”
An important lesson learned in all of this, indeed.