Protest in Minneapolis pushes for organic, vegan, free range, and GMO-free options at homeless shelters

You thought we could feed the homeless just anything? Think again.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Minneapolis was a buzz earlier today due of a very impassioned protest that were pushing for homeless shelters to start offering different food options for the people who come in to get what sometimes is their only meal.

The protest, which was led by feminists for some reason, spanned across much of the morning hours and took place in a few areas notorious for not having a homeless issue for decades.

“The homeless people are a bit creepy, honestly, and would, distract from our main message, I think,” a protester told us when asked about why no homeless people were actually at the event. “Even if they were here, how would they, like, help? If they could present their message in an impactful way, they’d have jobs.”

The main message of the protesters is that they believed homeless people deserved to be treated better when it came to the food we give them in shelters and that they should have a higher quality of food. The food they currently have is being described as “subpar at best” by the group.

“I haven’t been to homeless shelter food kitchen thing in a while but, man, I remember going and saying to myself, ‘Wow this food isn’t that great’, y’know what I mean? It’s ridiculous! What is this, a Walmart? These are ‘people’ right? Shouldn’t we fed them like they’re ‘people’?”

We sent APR Intern Danica Michaels to go talk to some real live homeless people to get their thoughts on the protest, but she forgot her passport at home so she couldn’t get past the checkpoints that block off the slums of Minneapolis, so we couldn’t actually get any comment from them. We presume they like it though.

Michaels, who has had to sleep on her parents couch while her house is being renovated, says that she thinks this is what the homeless need to advance themselves in society. “The people that took up this cause are really showing their knowledge of the community and it’s needs. This won’t fix all of their problems, obviously, but we have to start somewhere.”

The protest was met to lukewarm response by the pedestrians, but organizers attribute this to the “intellectual content of their message” that forced you to think, perhaps leading most to want to internalize their thoughts instead.

God takes time out of busy schedule of withholding food from billions to answer prayer from child who really wants a toy

Little girl gets so much more than she could’ve ever wanted from God!

HEAVEN, SPIRITWORLD — Late this evening , at the close of a grueling day ensuring 12.9% of the world doesn’t have enough food to eat, God was taking a little break when something caught his attention. A little girl from Utah was praying that she would get a toy to distract her from the homelife with angry parents she leads..

According to an anonymous source, God originally scoffed at the prayer, but was taken aback when he noticed the girl was closing her eyes extra tight and whispering her prayer extra hard. “You don’t see such passion and commitment in a prayer, especially at so young; We just had to reward her.” God told our source that he wants this girl to be extra happy so he granted her wish, with a little twist; The girl, after going back downstairs to say goodnight to her parents when she noticed them hugging and jumping up and down screaming about how happy they are together. That’s right. God granted the ultimate wish for this girl; happy parents.

The girl, 7, went back upstairs in a huff, our source told us, and told God she just wanted the toy. This is where it gets truly inspiring. When the girl went back downstairs to get a glass of milk a few hours later, she noticed a note on the refrigerator saying that her parents were so happy that they took an impromptu vacation to be alone and weren’t coming back. And as a parting gift, they got her the exact toy she wanted! When APR’s Chief Spiritworld Correspondent, Võ Doãn Quế, asked why not just give her to toy, our source told us that God spilled coffee on his iPad and it was acting up and followed up by telling Quế that this result was actually the best that could’ve happened. “When you think about it, the girl now has no mean parents and she has the toy. Win-win.”

Quế, an atheist, says that he’s, “honestly just kinda confused but eh what are you gonna do?” He goes on and says that it would’ve cost much less energy to just give the girl the toy like she asked, but ended up stopping any rationalizations for anything he just heard and moved on claiming he, “doesn’t care enough about this,” to stay motivated on following this story.

Child dying from meningococcemia thankful she doesn’t have have to live with autism

A little girl with something to be very thankful for

KIRKLAND, WA — Penny, 9 years old, is currently suffering from the quick and painful breaking down of the walls of her blood vessels, but was relieved to find out that her mom, Traci, put her foot down to say no. “I’m not putting my child in situation where she’s at risk of getting autism and I don’t know why any other parent would. She’s already a handful to deal with now, what with her veins slowly eroding, but to imagine what it would be like to deal with both this and autism is just unimaginable.”

APR’s Chief Vaccine Correspondent Lauren Smith says it’s a common misconception that the vaccines do good. “As Traci mentioned, that vaccine would’ve just doubled the issues they would’ve had to deal with. The introduction of autism into the child’s system would’ve been severely damaging and would make it even harder to treat the meningococcemia.

The purpose of vaccines, bringing up the risk of developing autism in children, doesn’t line up with the values and goals of many in America. Most parents in the country get their children vaccinated as a show of strength, declaring they’re willing to care for a child regardless of if it has autism or not. Though, if you don’t want a child with a higher chance of the developmental disease, the fix is simple. Just tell others your child is vaccinated so you can still feel good about yourself, but don’t actually get your child vaccinated so you can deal with any issues that your child has free from the shackles that autism would’ve put on your family.

9 year old Penny is delighted to learn about the horrifying condition she narrowly avoided and even told our Lauren Smith, “I’m happy I don’t have autism, but aren’t I still really sick? I don’t know. I guess I have it pretty alright. My mom told me with autism they have to amputate your whole arms and legs instead of just hands and feet like me so I’m thankful for that.” Penny’s mom, who had been checking Pinterest throughout the entire interview with her daughter, was quick to interject asking us to, “not print that.”

We at APR have chosen to take Traci’s statement literally, so we won’t be printing anything and will just be posting it on our website.

Local boy saved from death with thoughts and prayers on Facebook

The power of prayer shines today.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — At the Children’s Hospital today, a young boy, 8, was saved from a nasty fate this morning. Ready to be pronounced dead by doctors, a pretty close family friend’s last ditch Facebook post is what rescued the boy, Andrew. According to a source close to the situation, the post said, “We have you in our thoughts and prayers, Drew.” It was that post, according to Pastor Robert Toth, that saved little Andrew’s life.

Pastor Toth told us that the power of prayer is a strong one and shouldn’t be overlooked. “Today thoughts and prayers are thrown around so liberally, but their strength can’t be understated. And this situation is just a reminder of that,” he said in a written statement today. We reached out to the poster of the life saving Facebook and she told us in a phone interview, “I kinda forgot to actually pray, but, hey- glad I could help!”

Dr. Raymond Hardy, a specialist at the hospital who claims he had done CPR on the child moments before the miraculous recovery, says that he is shocked by the outcome. “We usually don’t expect such a powerful and meaningful gesture to save a life, especially for a kid who nobody really likes a whole lot,” Dr. Hardy told APR earlier today. “I thought the CPR was what did it, but when the parents were raving at how happy they were for the thoughts and prayers that saved their son, what else is one to think? I mean- it wouldn’t make much sense if I wasn’t getting credit for it if I actually had done anything meaningful.”

Thoughts and prayers are an important part of any recovery process, according a representative from the Children’s Hospital, and without them countless kids would die prematurely by hours or a day or two. Addicially, when thoughts and prayers are sent through Facebook, their impact is substantially increased. “Doctors have always been a last resort, and we want to keep it that way,” said Pastor Toth. “Prayer comes first and, if you can help it, make sure it’s the only step you take. In my research, doctors inhibit a true connection between the ill and God.” And important lesson learned in all of this, indeed.