MINNEAPOLIS, MN — A local gay couple, Jerry and Francis Jameson, has decided that they will be taking their transgender child, aged 16, to conversion therapy. This is in order to repair what they told us is the “degenerative brain dysfunction of transgenderism.”

Their child, who asked remain unnamed but his name is Thomas, is going through a phase where he believes that he was born in the wrong body and would like to someday go through surgery to correct for this.  For now, he dresses in such a way as to appear female and acts as a woman as well, like requesting his employer to pay him 23%, which they’ve graciously accepted.

Jerry and Francis are not quite convinced that such a thing is legitimate. They believe that their child has been brainwashed by media and the internet. We sat down and spoke with the fathers of the 16-year-old in between episodes of Glee, and asked them specifically what they found to be so wrong with being trans. Jerry tells us that Thomas is just really gay and doesn’t want to admit it.

“What’s happening is that he’s gay and in denial to such a point where he wants to become a girl so he can call himself ‘straight.’ You know what I mean? It’s not a real thing. It’s just a kid’s way of telling us he’s really gay but he doesn’t know exactly how to say it. I know me and my husband didn’t raise our child this way.”

Francis, who himself was taken to conversion therapy and was not changed by it, believes the treatment doesn’t work for gay people, but surely must work for trans people. He told us during a commercial break for Glee that it doesn’t work on gay people because being gay is fine, but should work well for trans people because they’re amoral degenerates.

The conversion therapy for Thomas, who again reminded us he didn’t want to be named as we left his home, is set for next month and he’s absolutely devastated.

Francis tells us, though, it’s all an act. “It was very clear through the fake tears that there is a boy just trying to weasel his way into girls bathrooms at the end of the day, and it’s disgusting.”

Happy Trans Visibility Day from LGBT Voices and the whole APR staff!

UPDATE: The family has received push back since this article being posted from groups claiming to be pro-trans. After some research, it has been found that all have been trolls, as there are no actual people who are pro-trans.

 

Eden Prairie, MN — Today the APR News inbox was filled after the shooting in Parkland, Florida with many stories from the front lines.

The biggest story comes from a teen, David Brown (pictured above), from Eden Prairie. Brown, a senior at Eden Prairie High School, was at lunch when he thought of the heartwarming, insightful tweet that was going to get him the girl he’s been crushing on for years.

“I was on my third serving of chicken nuggets when it all rushed over me like a tidal wave,” Brown wrote to us in an email. “[And] when I finished the tweet, I couldn’t contain my excitement. I knew I was gonna finally get her to talk to me.”

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The tweet that helped David get the girl of his dreams

According to APR’s Love Correspondent April May, this kind of thing “gets ladies going,” although nobody was really paying attention to what she was saying because everyone was so mesmerized by the fact that her name has two months in it. When questioned what the names of her children are, she responded only with, “That’s none of your business.”

Brown’s new girl, Shelby Sullivan, told us that when she saw the tweet, she was moved by it and that it really made her think.

“Like, if you think about it, the government is just sitting there and doing nothing when people are dying! And, like, I don’t understand it either! Just like David! So, like, when he DMed me with his tweet I was honestly blown away. He has such insight.”

April May (who we’re still kinda confused about; was it a marriage thing or did her parents actually name their child April May? And do you think it’s possible she named her child after another month? Like, we know she has a daughter because she mentioned picking her up after work one day, but we didn’t get a name) also told us that this kind of thing is common. “Teens these days — ” but was cut off when our Chief Vinegar-Based Coleslaw Correspondent, Jeff Lincoln, exclaimed that he found May’s daughter on Facebook, stating that the 15-year-old girl is named June May.

His tweet did fail to “get the ball rolling on change” as he stated his secondary goal with the tweet was, but it did secure him with a partner for the foreseeable next few months, as David is known to be a serial cheater with communication issues according to friends and family we spoke to today.

The higher-ups at APR want to inform all readers that we won’t be actually reporting on the shooting itself because, “Well, it’s kinda a huge bummer. Also, if we, like, miss this one, there will probably be another tomorrow or something.”