Opinion: For Earth Day, flip your car and light it on fire. Or are you not a real environmentalist?

Earth Day is today, apparently, and I’m honestly getting sick of this nonsense. The only reason why Earth Day is still even a thing in 2018 is because we need a Hallmark holiday to remind ourselves to not be complete pieces of shit about our Earth. So, y’know what? I’m done pandering. From now on, environmentalism is ONLY big action. Environmentalism is ONLY drastic change. We are NOT saving the world by putting our paper and glass in different colored bins. How we will change things is by doing something big. I want everyone who is reading this to go…

This Sunday, remember to set your clocks forward an hour and your calendars to Nov. 3, 2020

Daylight Savings Time is coming this weekend, so we are reminding all readers to be sure their clocks go forward one hour, but also to keep in mind that this is the perfect time to catch Donald Trump off guard. We have to always be resisting the Trump administration and that means using systems we have in place to impede him from setting forth his disgusting agenda on America. What if this Daylight Savings Time, we all came together and used the system to our advantage? It’ll be easy. Sunday at 2am, as usual, set the clock forward an hour…

Opinion: The ‘UMN Divest’ referendum is literally the definition of a race war

University of Minnesota students have this week had a really hard choice in front of them in the divestment referendum. For those unacquainted, the “UMN Divest referendum” thing is where a group of anti-Semites or something hate Boeing or something, and the other side consists of the Jewish frat and people who hate Palestinian kids or something and the anti-Semites want the U of M to not support the kid-hating side and the kid-hating side thinks the anti-Semitic is being anti-Semitic. I dunno. I didn’t really research. I think the important thing to remember in this time is that regardless…

Opinion: Missed the 2018 Oscars? I did too. I’m above such things

It’s a huge circle jerk. What else did you expect? Has this shit ever been any different year to year? Really think about this. You could have just as easily watched the “red carpet” bullshit and ceremony from any other year —or you could have even mixed together two different ones— and there would be no difference in your enjoyment. Take a second to reflect on why you wanted so badly to see a recap of The Oscars that you clicked on this article. Has such loneliness and depression led your life to a point where you waste your time watching…