RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA — APR’s Saudi Arabia branch was prepared to have a field day with a sex tape we uncovered earlier this week featuring the Saudi Prince Mohammed bin Salman and an alien in a Make America Great Again hat, but now is legally obligated to not write any satire about it due to a ban on such writing that would “disrupt public order”.

Ahmad bin Sharif, an Arab guy we found who was really pumped to draw a cartoon about this, says the part he’s most disappointed about is the fact that he can’t draw his favorite part of the tape where the prince uses a bottle of Yemeni children’s blood as lube with the alien.

“The alien, by the way, was definitely a man, despite the fact that he was in fact not human. That’s not a bad thing, I just wanted to clarify. It just sucks that I can’t joke about any of this without fear of punishment. The actual tape is no big deal, it’s just a real shame we can’t joke about it.”

We reached out to Mohammed and his family for comment but all they said was that the hat wasn’t a MAGA hat but was, in fact, a parody “Make Russia Great Again” hat.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — A local gay couple, Jerry and Francis Jameson, has decided that they will be taking their transgender child, aged 16, to conversion therapy. This is in order to repair what they told us is the “degenerative brain dysfunction of transgenderism.”

Their child, who asked remain unnamed but his name is Thomas, is going through a phase where he believes that he was born in the wrong body and would like to someday go through surgery to correct for this.  For now, he dresses in such a way as to appear female and acts as a woman as well, like requesting his employer to pay him 23%, which they’ve graciously accepted.

Jerry and Francis are not quite convinced that such a thing is legitimate. They believe that their child has been brainwashed by media and the internet. We sat down and spoke with the fathers of the 16-year-old in between episodes of Glee, and asked them specifically what they found to be so wrong with being trans. Jerry tells us that Thomas is just really gay and doesn’t want to admit it.

“What’s happening is that he’s gay and in denial to such a point where he wants to become a girl so he can call himself ‘straight.’ You know what I mean? It’s not a real thing. It’s just a kid’s way of telling us he’s really gay but he doesn’t know exactly how to say it. I know me and my husband didn’t raise our child this way.”

Francis, who himself was taken to conversion therapy and was not changed by it, believes the treatment doesn’t work for gay people, but surely must work for trans people. He told us during a commercial break for Glee that it doesn’t work on gay people because being gay is fine, but should work well for trans people because they’re amoral degenerates.

The conversion therapy for Thomas, who again reminded us he didn’t want to be named as we left his home, is set for next month and he’s absolutely devastated.

Francis tells us, though, it’s all an act. “It was very clear through the fake tears that there is a boy just trying to weasel his way into girls bathrooms at the end of the day, and it’s disgusting.”

Happy Trans Visibility Day from LGBT Voices and the whole APR staff!

UPDATE: The family has received push back since this article being posted from groups claiming to be pro-trans. After some research, it has been found that all have been trolls, as there are no actual people who are pro-trans.

 

Daylight Savings Time is coming this weekend, so we are reminding all readers to be sure their clocks go forward one hour, but also to keep in mind that this is the perfect time to catch Donald Trump off guard.

We have to always be resisting the Trump administration and that means using systems we have in place to impede him from setting forth his disgusting agenda on America.

What if this Daylight Savings Time, we all came together and used the system to our advantage? It’ll be easy. Sunday at 2am, as usual, set the clock forward an hour to 3am. But also change the date to Nov. 3, 2020. The GOP won’t know what hit them.

Admittedly, we will be missing out on the #BlueMidterm2018, but that’s a price we must pay if we want Trump out as soon as possible.

Daylight Savings Time was started, as many may know, as a way to punish slaves, making them work outside in as many daylight hours as possible. The blacks, after being freed, reclaimed it and embraced it, using it as a way to hold events later in the day such as cookouts and marches. Whites during the industrial revolution appropriated it though and since then it’s been a staple of American life in most states.

It’s a disgusting practice. But let’s make it right.

This year, let’s make Daylight Savings Time work for the people it has hurt historically and against the man oppressing them. All in one motion!

University of Minnesota students have this week had a really hard choice in front of them in the divestment referendum.

For those unacquainted, the “UMN Divest referendum” thing is where a group of anti-Semites or something hate Boeing or something, and the other side consists of the Jewish frat and people who hate Palestinian kids or something and the anti-Semites want the U of M to not support the kid-hating side and the kid-hating side thinks the anti-Semitic is being anti-Semitic. I dunno. I didn’t really research.

I think the important thing to remember in this time is that regardless of which ever way it goes, it’ll surely be the beginnings of a race war. Which is exciting!

Both sides absolutely losing it surely means something is going on. This can’t just be a vote to stop money from going to companies. If that was the case, I don’t think people would care. Right?

I mean, nobody actually cares about Palestine, do they? Or Israel? If anyone actually cared about anyone in the region, it would have all been sorted out decades ago. Both the sides in the region get off to war or something, which is totally fine; I personally love war myself. My point is that it’s cool that this is coming to the US now, starting with this vote.

Again, whichever way it goes in this absolutely meaningless vote, tons of people are gonna go insane. If “Vote No” wins, they’ll buy so many Snapchat filters that we’ll have to swipe for several minutes to get the normal ones. And if “UMNDivest” wins, all Jews on campus will be forced to go back to Israel or else face the wrath of people who actually don’t care about any of this but are trying to look woke by championing Palestine.

Either way, big things are happening.

CHARLESTON, WV — Several hundred children as young as five years old were caught in a basement holding a rally this morning, the goal of which was to gather support and money to push their anti-school agenda.

The children were caught by the owner of the home, Randy Samson, who thought his child was just “having a few friends over to watch some movies.”

“You always want your children to be politically active. It’s just disappointing when they they have the wrong opinions, you know? I’m just honestly shocked he found so many people. I dunno. I guess that’s a sign of something.”

Randy’s son, Jimmy, the self-proclaimed leader of this movement, told us today he takes the strong stance that “school is drool.” He and his classmates cheered the motto, some even wearing it on matching shirts.

“I made the shirts myself, do you like them? We ran out but I can make you one if you want one. Just go tell Caiden your shirt size!”

Their teachers were shocked to hear of this news. We spoke to an art teacher, Catherine Jones, to get her thoughts:

“It’s not even the multi-million dollar campaign that they’ve got going against us —although that is super impressive— I’m just upset that they can do this at all. Like, is this even legal?”

According to our Chief Illegal Analyst Don Marco, the kids are in the clear.

“Yeah, looks like they’re good.”

The group of children, aroung 600 strong, have raised over $6 billion and distributed the funds to campaigns of many politicians to protract the strike.

MOORESVILLE, AL — The Mooresville School District announced today that they will be introducing a program in its elementary and middle schools where students will have the opportunity to get to take home the “class gun.”

District Superintendent Carolyn Gilden said that after the Parkland school shooting this Valentine’s Day, she does not believe the real issues that caused the shooting are the usual suspects in these debates, but that our country has yet to normalize guns, making the gun a wonder that makes kids —and later in life, adults— nervous.

So this small town in Alabama is working to correct the mystification of guns from the source: In the new program each student is allowed to take home a shared gun, issued to each homeroom class, that they have to take care of for a weekend. Care, according to Gilden, includes things like cleaning and inspection of the weapon.

Gilden released a statement explaining why the program is important to her students and what potential benefit such a program could provide:

“When things are restricted from kids to see, touch, or experience, the kids gravitate toward it more. And by giving them a gun to take care of, they feel normal around the weapon so it’s less of a fear. And also, we believe this will discourage any school shootings in the future two-fold. First, every class now has a weapon in the teacher’s desk. If a shooter were to try and harm students, there would be a defensive weapon at the ready for the teacher to use. Second, making the gun more of a normality means that any school shooter will have to do something more creative to receive the validation that all of them so desperately want. Overall, we just want to cultivate a community of people who understand guns and know how to take care of them.”

The move is seen by many in the community as a controversial one. Some believe giving each homeroom a gun to share amongst the students is basically communism, while others believe it’s ablest, as kids with ADHD won’t be able to get enough one-on-one time with the gun.

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA – A high level North Korean defector, Jun Yi, spoke out yesterday at the UN describing previously unknown facets of Kim’s personal life, such as his affinity for Yoplait with granola and many more disturbing details.

Yi, age 46, a party leader, first tried to defect from North Korea in 2009 under the guise of “making a quick run to Target,” but was told to “come up with a better one, we just went shopping.”

Years later, Yi and his family found their lucky break when Kim was low on groceries and they made their escape.

When they made it to South Korea, they “just kinda stayed” and are now telling their stories of what it’s like living in the repressive nation of North Korea and, more specifically, what the leader is like personally.

“Even as a high-ranking official, the meals we got were never of any good quality. We were often forced to eat garbage like Chef Boyardee just to survive,” Yi said when describing the struggle he and his family faced during their time in North Korea. “Kim always had his food imported, though, so he always ate the good stuff.”

According to Yi, The Supreme Leader of the country would splurge on many luxuries, specifically citing Yoplait with granola. The $3.98 price tag didn’t deter Kim from getting his fix; he had even been heard to exclaim when pressed that it’s “worth the extra $3.”

Such gross inequality is standard in North Korea. While the poorest of the poor have to make due with eating Kraft Singles with mayo, the North Korean dictator lives in such luxury that a cup of silky, smooth, decadent Yoplait yogurt topped with the beautiful crunch of delicious granola is almost passé.

The inequality problem runs so deep in North Korean culture that it’s unknown whether or not the citizens of the country even are aware of such luxuries. During Yi’s time as a party leader, he ran the many slave camps in the country, and noted to us that the political prisoners and people imprisoned for what their grandparents did “have it easy because they didn’t even know what they were missing. To be honest, I wish I could be eating cabbage or whatever it is they eat and just be blissfully unaware of what I could be eating. I mean, we’re talking Yoplait with granola here,” he told us, almost shouting that last part.

We didn’t reach out to Yoplait for comment, but you can imagine that it would be something along the lines of how good their product is and that they don’t condone slavery or something like that.

You did it France. Way to go. First the US, and now France. What’s wrong with the world today? Why can’t a perfectly qualified woman with nothing controversial about her just finally get some power in this world?

At every turn, there was some nonsense about how Le Pen is spouting “bigotry” or whatever. Just lies that so many spread because of fear. Fear of a woman leading them.

France, you should be ashamed. After the US election where Donald Trump came out on top, we thought that this sexism was just on the conservative side, but France has proved that bigots are politically agnostic and will stop at nothing to carry out their wishes.

Don’t lie and say that you care about “minorities” or “women.” Not only is Le Pen a woman, but she’s one-third Venusian. You just had to snuff out another disenfranchised minority, didn’t you?

Today will be remembered in French history as the day France came together to take power from an innocent, helpless woman to give it to a man. Disgusting.

ANKARA, TURKEY — After a very obvious win in the referendum to expand his God-given authority, President Erdoğan and his staff are going all out with celebrations, which include the cutest little stuffed ballots for kids to take home after a long night of joy.

We spoke with some kids on the ground in Ankara and they’re all very excited: “I did want to be president when I am older, but I prefer the stability that he will provide me for the rest of my life,” one boy told us.

There is currently a very small minority of people who are upset at the fireworks display Erdoğan supporters are shooting off. So much so that they want to contest the vote to throw their own firework display. They could always just contribute their fireworks to the overall display and make everyone happy, but some just enjoy dissenting for the sake of dissenting.

Some of the very few other opposition members are very vocal in their concern that this is one step closer to Erdoğan never leaving power and taking full control, but c’mon! He said he’d do good things as president. It’s only rational to extend his term so he can do more good things.

The main point of focus here, again, is the children. While they hold their stuffed ballots tonight as they fall asleep, they can rest easy knowing that they don’t have to deal with the hassle of elections, “voting,” debate, and instability that comes with transferring power from one person to another for the rest of their lives. Truly an inspiring day for children in Turkey today.

WASHINGTON D.C. —  In a bold and short statement that has since been overshadowed by Trump bombing Afghanistan, the White House is proposing a compromise between keeping the border secure, and allowing a select few of talented individuals come into the country.

The compromise would be to build, instead of one 30-40 foot wall, to build several 5 foot walls that would need to be jumped over in order to gain entry to the US. This, the statement says, would encourage athletic Mexicans to vault over the walls, while discouraging less desirable ones from coming into the country.

The initial plan of one big beautiful wall was too exclusive, as it would have kept everyone out, but this new proposal relieves strain on the immigration system, while also giving us the competitive edge on the world stage that immigration can give a country.

Specifically, the statement mentions, “the US has a bad track record in athletic events like soccer, while Mexico has had a fairly average one. Not great, but average.” It goes on to propose bringing in Mexican immigrants to boost the US agriculture, lawn care, and auto body work industries.

The proposal is one both sides are coming together on, as both sides agree that the country could benefit from high skilled Immigrants.

The Democrats have yet to see that Trump is essentially proposing the same amount of wall to be built, but that this new one will be spread out over several walls, and to call him on it, as would be expected. As with the Gorsich nomination, Democrats are kinda just taking what they can get. Democratic strategist and APR’s Compromise Correspondent tells us that this is the best thing the Democrats can do.

“The Republicans have full control so the Democrats are left with the choices of a 35 foot wall, or 7 five foot walls. Both aren’t prime, but it’s best to bite the bullet, buy a team USA soccer jersey, and let it happen”