PALM BEACH, FL — Guests staying in one of the elegant guest suites at Mar-a-Lago now have a chance to upgrade to a “Top Secret” package, which includes the perk of sitting in on intelligence briefings and getting to eat dinner with President Trump, Secret Service, and the full cabinet.

A Mar-a-Lago representative told APR this evening that such intimacy with the president is something only they can provide: “With our new package, our guests can experience what it’s like to be one of the president’s top men for the duration of your stay.”

Guests already can receive a complimentary intelligence briefing if they didn’t mind listening to it from a distance, but the resort’s announcement today to make the process to listen in formally shows they’re committing to a superior quality in the guest experience.

The resort has received criticism from the lower and middle class, as they see the upgrade to be unfair. James Hamm, a homeless man who sleeps outside our building, told us today that he’s saddened by it and that he “wish[es] to see the day when the poor can have the same treatment as the rich.” He, an many like him, are worried that the price tag will push the poor further away from the ruling class of Washington.

We’ll just have to let the free market decide if the poor should get the same access!

PASADENA, CA —  NASA today has announced the groundbreaking discovery of four, Earth-like exoplanets orbiting a star 40 light years away. Additionally, the agency also has announced that all of the planets are suffering from very severe global warming.

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The sad state of affairs of one planet is clear in this one picture alone; The planet doesn’t even have any grass left on it.

 

Photos like the one above shows just how drastic the situation is for the entire universe. Human activity has been so impactful throughout the cosmos that these poor creatures that may or may not live on this exoplanet are now facing extinction on mass scales.

This announcement was initially rumored to be a positive one, but the grave nature of what NASA has announced today is a reminder that society must work to change.

The search for life in the universe has gotten much more exciting because the planets, orbiting a red dwarf, are in the habitable zone of their star; that doesn’t matter, though. Even if there were animals, they’re probably dead because of human-caused global warming.

We reached out to NASA for comment and Kimberly Carrillo, a researcher at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, expressed extreme confusion about it all. “I honestly don’t understand how we managed to get pollution to travel 40 whole light years, but we did.”

Carrillo is hopeful, though. “It’s easy to look at this whole situation in a positive light. If we managed to pollute a planet we’ve never been to, I’d imagine us going there isn’t long behind!”

Others have expressed doubt that humans could have caused global warming on an exoplanet. Judith Schulz, a conservative columnist for several LA newspapers, says that this kind of thing happens in waves.

“If you look at the data, this kind of thing happens over thousands of years. The universe heats up and then it cools down. There’s truly nothing to be worried about,” she told us in an interview today.

Regardless, the fact is that these planets are warming. The life is dying if it’s there, and if it’s not there we’ve already killed it. Society as a whole must reflect on the consequences of the actions we take on a day-to-day basis. We should be ashamed that an alien species of tree is extinct now, assuming it existed in the first place.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — The Refugee Crisis has been an issue since the beginning of the Syrian Civil War around 2011, but it hasn’t always been that big of a deal as the common belief was that the refugees were less than human so it was all okay. But according to a report by UNICEF, it turns out the Syrian refugees are actually people who are the same as us.

The report clarifies that there are obvious differences between us and the refugees such as language and some cultural differences, but if you over look those, as the report recommends, they look like real people with real emotions.

This groundbreaking report is a massive departure from what was previously believed to be fact. This also may lead to some calls for policy changes which, as is standard, will be swiftly shut down in favor of more pressing issues like getting rid of the EPA.

Just outside of our Minneapolis headquarters, we stopped passersby and asked them what they thought about the UNICEF report.

“Huh…I guess I never really thought about it that way,” said Heather Smith, a middle-aged, stay-at-home mom, whose response echoes many of the others we received about the report. Made clear by our informal survey, the American public is content with believing the refugees are not actually real humans, but passively so. Nobody has really thought complexly about it. APR’s Chief Psychology Analyst, Victor Booth, says that the reason for this is very simple.

“When all you hear and see is that they’re scum, burdens, foreign looking, what are you supposed to think?” He told us over the phone. “You’d be a fool for just assuming they’re people just on a limb like that. I personally don’t blame the American public.”

Even if we knew the refugees were people from the beginning, “it was probably better for our mental well being to just deny that idea.”

The idea that real people with real feelings are suffering so much is taxing for our minds to think about. The mental faculties required to take that in are too valuable to spend on a situation if you aren’t sure if those suffering are actually human beings. Given this new information, ignoring the Syrian refugee crisis has become slightly more depressing for those of us who’d rather not think about it.

With that said, Booth also tells us that even with this new information, we can still convince ourselves that the refugees are sub-human – thus making ignoring them much easier. Surely, that elegant solution is much more appealing and achievable than any alternatives people are suggesting, so we at APR recommend you do just that.

HAMPTON, VA — In a joint statement this afternoon with the NRA, NASA’s Langley Research Center in Virginia has announced that the first mass shooting on the moon will take place by 2040 “at the latest.” For decades, NASA’s efforts to achieve moon colonization have been negligible, but today’s statement is seen by many as a great step forward for the agency.

The statement outlines a plan crafted by the two organizations to ensure the “adequate social climate for a shooting on the moon of a semi-large size to happen.” The methods to achieve such a climate are ones that will be gradual but will “most definitely be the quickest and most effective ways we can think of to pull it off,” according to the press release from today.

Along with the guns already being provided to those chosen to live NASA’s upcoming colony on the moon, the NRA is working with the government agency to conduct background checks, to “ensure those going to the moon and getting guns are definitely mentally ill and primed to ‘do it’, if you know what we mean,” according to representatives from both organizations.

“I’m relieved that Americans get to maintain such a fundamental part of the American dream, even on the moon,” Kent Moore, President of the Civil Rights In Space Defense Fund, a subsidiary of the NRA, exclaimed after the announcement. “Why would we allow a generation to grow up without this vital aspect of daily life?”

The impact of this pledge is resonating with many Americans, who have felt wary of space colonization because of the possibility of restricted rights on those colonies.

“In America,” Lamar Neilson of the Lunar Rights Foundation told us, “the odds of dying in a mass shooting are unparalleled anywhere else in the world. It’s just part of being an American. Those on Earth shouldn’t be treated differently from their lunar counterparts. At the Lunar Rights Foundation, we refuse to stay silent on this. We will fight for Americans on the moon to live in the same fear of a random mass slaughter Earthen Americans experience.”

Dawn Wilson, a strong critic of the statement and former member of her local elementary school’s PTO, has called it “a disgusting outrage” shortly after its release. On her blog she, and many like her, declared her rage:

“This nonsense press release falls way too short of what I wanted. Are you kidding me with this? 2040? It’s flooring that we’ll be waiting that long for something I think is just common sense. My kids are expecting mass shootings. I’ve got them prepared. I’ve put fear in them. And now we’re going to be sitting around for more than 20 years?”

She and others have pointed out, rightfully so, that we must be thinking of the children throughout all of this. As Americans ourselves, we at APR News agree that we need to strive as a society to make sure this central tenet of American life isn’t sacrificed on any future space endeavors. We left our flag on the moon as a mark that America has a presence there. We need to go back and leave a mark of our culture.