Saudi Arabia, as many of you might believe, is a “backward” nation riddled with corruption and medieval values. It’s quite the contrary. I would like to assert that Saudi Arabia is actually way more progressive and forward thinking than all of the western propaganda you consume would like for you to believe. Here are my reasons why Saudi Arabia isn’t as bad as you think it is.

Royal Family

The first important thing to note to mention is that they have a royal family! Not everyone knows that, but it’s true! Who doesn’t love a monarchy that that can’t be challenged and has insane power that no other entity has the ability to check?? The west loves to point at this as a “bad” thing, but they really have no ammo when arguing their point. I mean, look at it! They have a king!

Religion

If you want an example of what a good state-sponsored religion is, look no further. Wahhabi Islam is simply the greatest thing that has happened to Islam. You thought Islam was cool before? Try out the literal, extremely conservative interpretation of the faith called Wahhabi Islam! The coolest part is that Wahhabism can kinda say whatever it wants and it will be protected and fought for tooth and nail by liberals who will call any extreme decree okay in their cultural context and just misunderstood by the west.

Women

Saudi Arabia is a bastion of women’s rights and honestly, that goes without saying. First and foremost, we need to talk about women covering up. It is a FACT that in Saudi Arabia, women have a CHOICE to either be covered from head to toe anytime they’re out OR be punished for it brutally whether socially or legally. Wow! That kind of freedom to choose is just not there in western countries.

Morality

Morality and Saudi Arabia go hand in hand. You’ll likely be pleased to hear, in fact, that Saudi Arabia is so great with this that they’re on the Human Rights Council for the UN! You don’t just talk your way into that! Or provide the world with such a large amount of oil that everyone will just kinda ignore any human rights violations you commit as to not disturb the flow of oil. That’s just unheard of! Not much else even needs to be said quite frankly! I’ll formulate arguments the second the world sees Saudi Arabia as a morally corrupt nation, but now everyone seems to agree they’re just fine!

Conclusion

Now, while I haven’t been to Saudi Arabia and don’t plan on it, I’m thinking it’s a pretty cool place! We should try being less tough on it in the west and understand that they’re not a “worse” society because of “massive limitations on basic human rights”. They’re in fact a way cooler place than anywhere in the west!

University of Minnesota students have this week had a really hard choice in front of them in the divestment referendum.

For those unacquainted, the “UMN Divest referendum” thing is where a group of anti-Semites or something hate Boeing or something, and the other side consists of the Jewish frat and people who hate Palestinian kids or something and the anti-Semites want the U of M to not support the kid-hating side and the kid-hating side thinks the anti-Semitic is being anti-Semitic. I dunno. I didn’t really research.

I think the important thing to remember in this time is that regardless of which ever way it goes, it’ll surely be the beginnings of a race war. Which is exciting!

Both sides absolutely losing it surely means something is going on. This can’t just be a vote to stop money from going to companies. If that was the case, I don’t think people would care. Right?

I mean, nobody actually cares about Palestine, do they? Or Israel? If anyone actually cared about anyone in the region, it would have all been sorted out decades ago. Both the sides in the region get off to war or something, which is totally fine; I personally love war myself. My point is that it’s cool that this is coming to the US now, starting with this vote.

Again, whichever way it goes in this absolutely meaningless vote, tons of people are gonna go insane. If “Vote No” wins, they’ll buy so many Snapchat filters that we’ll have to swipe for several minutes to get the normal ones. And if “UMNDivest” wins, all Jews on campus will be forced to go back to Israel or else face the wrath of people who actually don’t care about any of this but are trying to look woke by championing Palestine.

Either way, big things are happening.

HEAVEN, SPIRITWORLD — The second coming of Christ was narrowly missed earlier today after a disgruntled Jesus ascended back up to Heaven after finding that we messed everything up while he was gone.

We tried to reach out to Jesus for comment by throwing paper airplanes with questions on them into the sky. Jesus responded by throwing a Boeing 787 Dreamliner at our Minneapolis HQ with “How’s this for a second coming?” written across the side.

What Jesus is trying to say is that we have to stop with all of these affronts against God like eating seafood, wearing mixed fabrics and not having slaves, like the Bible expressly says.

We pissed Jesus off this time but we can do better! Just follow the book better!

Happy Easter from APR News! Well… at least try to have a good one… Sorry to soil your day with this big bummer.

WASHINGTON D.C. — Obama gave advice to the month-old administration earlier today that is resonating with much of America.

“Do like I did with them,” Obama wrote in a letter to Trump, “Just bomb them.” The former president added that a ban makes the anti-Muslim agenda too obvious and that the public is okay when you kill Muslims because, “you can’t have rights taken away from you when you’re dead. So just kill them so nobody can complain that they have ‘less rights’ or whatever.”

The letter is admired by those on both sides of the political spectrum. In a recent Pew poll, 78% of America expressed worry about taking rights away from a specific group, but was okay if that step was skipped and they were just killed.

Some today have expressed worry about this, saying that this may be a slippery slope to perhaps eliminating other groups of people; those worries are usually quelled shortly after when the point that Muslims aren’t technically human is brought up.

The memo sent to the Trump administration is a very important reminder in this very divisive and polarized time that America’s fear and hatred of Islam is a bipartisan issue.

Trump’s team is reportedly happy to have received the letter from the former president. One staffer told APR earlier today that the administration is glad to have the support and guidance of Obama in Trump’s attempts to continue what the Obama administration set the groundwork for during his tenure. “We always have known that this issue is one that all Americans care strongly about and we’re happy to have Obama’s blessing while we strive to keep going with his vision for America.”

An encouraging point of agreement in a world where it seems that nobody can agree.

HEAVEN, SPIRITWORLD — Late this evening, at the close of a grueling day ensuring 12.9% of the world doesn’t have enough food to eat, God was taking a break when something caught his attention. A little girl from Utah was praying that she would get a toy to distract her from the home life with angry parents she leads.

According to an anonymous source, God originally scoffed at the prayer, but was taken aback when he noticed the girl was closing her eyes extra tight and whispering her prayer extra hard. “You don’t see such passion and commitment in a prayer, especially at so young; We just had to reward her.”

God told our source that he wants this girl to be happy so he granted her wish, with a little twist: The girl, after going back downstairs to say goodnight to her parents when she noticed them hugging and jumping up and down, screaming about how happy they are together. That’s right. God granted the ultimate wish for this girl: happy parents.

Our source tells us the girl, 7, went back upstairs in a huff and told God she just wanted the toy. This is where it gets truly inspiring. When the girl went back downstairs to get a glass of milk a few hours later, she noticed a note on the refrigerator saying that her parents were so happy that they took an impromptu vacation to be alone and weren’t coming back. And as a parting gift, they got her the exact toy she wanted!

When APR’s Chief Spiritworld Correspondent, Võ Doãn Quế, asked why not just give her to toy, our source told us that God spilled coffee on his iPad and it was acting up and followed up by telling Quế that this result was actually the best that could’ve happened. “When you think about it, the girl now has no mean parents and she has the toy. Win-win.”

Quế, an atheist, says that he’s “honestly just kinda confused, but what are you gonna do?” He goes on and says that it would’ve cost less energy to just give the girl the toy like she asked, but ended up stopping any rationalizations for anything he just heard and moved on claiming he “doesn’t care enough about this” to stay motivated on following this story.