EDEN PRAIRIE, MN — A local teen, Kate Robbins, shocked peers in her chemistry lab this morning when she showed up in a Yale sweatshirt. Yale, a university Kate couldn’t ever be successful enough to attend, was an interesting choice for the 18-year-old  community college student; It’s very obvious she had a specific motive behind the purchase, so we sat down with her and asked her about it.

“By getting this shirt, I’m displaying my dominance and superiority over the rest of my friends. I feel very insignificant without obtuse, petty displays of status. In a word— flexing. Constantly.”

Many in her chemistry lab were floored by the power move and some quickly attempted positioning themselves closer to Kate socially. One of Kate’s peers, Jen Donaldson, provided us a comment through text to on the situation.

“tbh she wasn’t really ever super cool but when she showed up to chem with a yale sweatshirt, we all instantly thought more of her as a person. like, she’s so cool now. and we know she has nice, smart friends!”

While the teen’s social standing has been greatly improved, the impact on her crippling loneliness has yet to be determined.

University of Minnesota students have this week had a really hard choice in front of them in the divestment referendum.

For those unacquainted, the “UMN Divest referendum” thing is where a group of anti-Semites or something hate Boeing or something, and the other side consists of the Jewish frat and people who hate Palestinian kids or something and the anti-Semites want the U of M to not support the kid-hating side and the kid-hating side thinks the anti-Semitic is being anti-Semitic. I dunno. I didn’t really research.

I think the important thing to remember in this time is that regardless of which ever way it goes, it’ll surely be the beginnings of a race war. Which is exciting!

Both sides absolutely losing it surely means something is going on. This can’t just be a vote to stop money from going to companies. If that was the case, I don’t think people would care. Right?

I mean, nobody actually cares about Palestine, do they? Or Israel? If anyone actually cared about anyone in the region, it would have all been sorted out decades ago. Both the sides in the region get off to war or something, which is totally fine; I personally love war myself. My point is that it’s cool that this is coming to the US now, starting with this vote.

Again, whichever way it goes in this absolutely meaningless vote, tons of people are gonna go insane. If “Vote No” wins, they’ll buy so many Snapchat filters that we’ll have to swipe for several minutes to get the normal ones. And if “UMNDivest” wins, all Jews on campus will be forced to go back to Israel or else face the wrath of people who actually don’t care about any of this but are trying to look woke by championing Palestine.

Either way, big things are happening.

CHARLESTON, WV — Several hundred children as young as five years old were caught in a basement holding a rally this morning, the goal of which was to gather support and money to push their anti-school agenda.

The children were caught by the owner of the home, Randy Samson, who thought his child was just “having a few friends over to watch some movies.”

“You always want your children to be politically active. It’s just disappointing when they they have the wrong opinions, you know? I’m just honestly shocked he found so many people. I dunno. I guess that’s a sign of something.”

Randy’s son, Jimmy, the self-proclaimed leader of this movement, told us today he takes the strong stance that “school is drool.” He and his classmates cheered the motto, some even wearing it on matching shirts.

“I made the shirts myself, do you like them? We ran out but I can make you one if you want one. Just go tell Caiden your shirt size!”

Their teachers were shocked to hear of this news. We spoke to an art teacher, Catherine Jones, to get her thoughts:

“It’s not even the multi-million dollar campaign that they’ve got going against us —although that is super impressive— I’m just upset that they can do this at all. Like, is this even legal?”

According to our Chief Illegal Analyst Don Marco, the kids are in the clear.

“Yeah, looks like they’re good.”

The group of children, aroung 600 strong, have raised over $6 billion and distributed the funds to campaigns of many politicians to protract the strike.

MOORESVILLE, AL — The Mooresville School District announced today that they will be introducing a program in its elementary and middle schools where students will have the opportunity to get to take home the “class gun.”

District Superintendent Carolyn Gilden said that after the Parkland school shooting this Valentine’s Day, she does not believe the real issues that caused the shooting are the usual suspects in these debates, but that our country has yet to normalize guns, making the gun a wonder that makes kids —and later in life, adults— nervous.

So this small town in Alabama is working to correct the mystification of guns from the source: In the new program each student is allowed to take home a shared gun, issued to each homeroom class, that they have to take care of for a weekend. Care, according to Gilden, includes things like cleaning and inspection of the weapon.

Gilden released a statement explaining why the program is important to her students and what potential benefit such a program could provide:

“When things are restricted from kids to see, touch, or experience, the kids gravitate toward it more. And by giving them a gun to take care of, they feel normal around the weapon so it’s less of a fear. And also, we believe this will discourage any school shootings in the future two-fold. First, every class now has a weapon in the teacher’s desk. If a shooter were to try and harm students, there would be a defensive weapon at the ready for the teacher to use. Second, making the gun more of a normality means that any school shooter will have to do something more creative to receive the validation that all of them so desperately want. Overall, we just want to cultivate a community of people who understand guns and know how to take care of them.”

The move is seen by many in the community as a controversial one. Some believe giving each homeroom a gun to share amongst the students is basically communism, while others believe it’s ablest, as kids with ADHD won’t be able to get enough one-on-one time with the gun.