PASADENA, CA —  NASA today has announced the groundbreaking discovery of four, Earth-like exoplanets orbiting a star 40 light years away. Additionally, the agency also has announced that all of the planets are suffering from very severe global warming.

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The sad state of affairs of one planet is clear in this one picture alone; The planet doesn’t even have any grass left on it.

 

Photos like the one above shows just how drastic the situation is for the entire universe. Human activity has been so impactful throughout the cosmos that these poor creatures that may or may not live on this exoplanet are now facing extinction on mass scales.

This announcement was initially rumored to be a positive one, but the grave nature of what NASA has announced today is a reminder that society must work to change.

The search for life in the universe has gotten much more exciting because the planets, orbiting a red dwarf, are in the habitable zone of their star; that doesn’t matter, though. Even if there were animals, they’re probably dead because of human-caused global warming.

We reached out to NASA for comment and Kimberly Carrillo, a researcher at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, expressed extreme confusion about it all. “I honestly don’t understand how we managed to get pollution to travel 40 whole light years, but we did.”

Carrillo is hopeful, though. “It’s easy to look at this whole situation in a positive light. If we managed to pollute a planet we’ve never been to, I’d imagine us going there isn’t long behind!”

Others have expressed doubt that humans could have caused global warming on an exoplanet. Judith Schulz, a conservative columnist for several LA newspapers, says that this kind of thing happens in waves.

“If you look at the data, this kind of thing happens over thousands of years. The universe heats up and then it cools down. There’s truly nothing to be worried about,” she told us in an interview today.

Regardless, the fact is that these planets are warming. The life is dying if it’s there, and if it’s not there we’ve already killed it. Society as a whole must reflect on the consequences of the actions we take on a day-to-day basis. We should be ashamed that an alien species of tree is extinct now, assuming it existed in the first place.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — A Silicon Valley startup has a solution for those of us contemplating suicide, but also are scared of death. According to the W.H.O., the one thing stopping most from suicide is the fear of death. In a 2015 study, the agency reported that 13% of those who have suicidal thoughts stop short specifically due to this phobia.

Cryocide founder, Florence Walters (center in photo), told us today that he saw a gap in the market and wanted to address it. “When I saw those stats, I was shocked. 13% of people are holding back from something that they want to do.”

The company was started just over a year ago with the aim to let people kill themselves without having to face their fear of death. The startup uses cutting edge cryonic technology to allow their customers to do that.

“The process is a very simple one,” Walters told us in a sit down interview at the company’s San Francisco headquarters. “It’s just two steps. First, we give our customers a wide selection of methods to commit suicide and they do it— in the company of doctors of course. Then, our trained team cryogenically freezes the person and stores them in the hopes that future technology can bring them back when all of their troubles on earth are either dead or irrelevant in the time that they’re woken up.”

APR’s Suicide Correspondent, Albert Gordon, tells us that customers will be getting the best of both worlds with this revolutionary service. “Forever we’ve been told that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but in the modern age it doesn’t have to be that way. Cryocide allows many people to have the satisfaction of the sweet embrace of death while not actually dying.”

The technology behind the so-called “neo-cide” service is staggeringly complex and a closely guarded secret. And while all can agree that the technology is quite the feat, some have reservations about the service.

APR spoke to Linda Jackson, a strong critic of Cryocide. She believes that traditional suicide is “nothing but tarnished” by services like this. She explains, “I just want to go back to a time when you could kill yourself in dignity. If I’m going to do it, I want to do it for real, just as God told us expressly not to do in the Bible. Why would anyone in their right mind kill themselves, come back to life in the far future, and then do it again for real down the line? Honestly, just a waste of money.”

Other critics question whether a medical fix for blown out brains will ever be found. Gordon posed this to Walters, who answered immediately by saying, “There have been so many other things that these ‘doctors’ have said would be impossible but look where we are right now; all kinds of things can be fixed now. We’re giving the customer options and we believe, regardless of the choice, future medical professionals will be able to fix it.”

Even with criticism, Cryocide has opened up their doors to customers. Pricing starts at $850,000.