MINNEAPOLIS, MN — According to a new poll by Pew, 76% of teens in the US would definitely kill themselves in a, “joking kinda way.” The poll comes as many teens in America have been finding reprieve in knowing that depression and suicide are no longer taken seriously. APR’s Chief Suicide Correspondent, Albert Gordon, tells us that most teens are happy that overblown issues of depression and suicide are okay to talk about lightly to describe mild inconveniences, as opposed to reserving such statements to those suffering from those fake ailments.

“Vanity depression,” speaking as though one has depression while also understanding that such an illness has yet to be proven, has been on the rise especially with teens who like sympathy. Our Chief Anxiety Correspondent, May Spencer, is concerned however that this recent trend is delegitimatizing mental health causes.

“In the mental health community we’re all faking it for attention, and the better fakers get more attention. But when everyone is throwing around pleas for death in such a joking manner, it strips away the legitimacy of those of us who are legitimately faking a mental disease.”

In the past few years, vanity depression has eaten away at the divide between the fakers and the liars. Office Intern Anthony Ellis helped offer some insight into the world of vanity depression and why it’s as big as it is. Anthony, a local 13 year old, told us that vanity depression is “fun.”

“Everyone knows I won’t kill myself but it makes my feelings easier to understand,” he said. “Because everyone jokes about it all the time, only the good fakers make it, and those really good fakers are the funnest to laugh at and we wanna see more of them.” He went on to describe the fact that he and his friends have a hard time understanding each other’s feelings, so light hyperbole is needed to make sure the message comes across.

Vanity depression is also used as a means to become more liked. Anthony told us early this morning through an Xbox Live message that when “people say edgy things like that, they’re a lot cooler.”

He added that he knows his friends don’t care about mental illness, but it all sounds edgy so they like using the terms. When we asked the young man on what he thought specifically about depression and suicide, and how he thinks people feel when those terms are used in such a liberal manner, he called our reporter “gay” and signed out of Xbox Live.

The Pew Poll shows Spencer just how outgoing people who misappropriate culture have become. To her, people like Anthony are stealing part of her identity and making it their own, with their own twists that don’t conform to reality.

“How would you feel if, as a righty, I just started using left-handed scissors but I flipped them upside down when I did it so my right hand would fit properly?” Spencer said while providing a visual demonstration. “You see? Not as fun when I do it.”

For people with mental illness, it’s usually their one identifiable characteristic as a person, and usurping such an intrinsic part of one’s identity is as bad as it gets when it comes to cultural appropriation.

The left, who is usually fine tuned to be outwardly angry online and in the street —when they can be bothered— seems to be playing the largest role in all of this. Alt-left websites like Tumblr, a hotbed for neo-fascist propaganda, are constantly flooded with messages about people claiming to want to kill themselves. To some, the hypocrisy displayed really hurts.

Spencer and so many other liars are looking for a world where they can go about their day pretending that they have “real” issues without their heritage being stolen away from them. Pew has reminded America that it has a lot of work to do in making society a fairer and better place for all.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — A Silicon Valley startup has a solution for those of us contemplating suicide, but also are scared of death. According to the W.H.O., the one thing stopping most from suicide is the fear of death. In a 2015 study, the agency reported that 13% of those who have suicidal thoughts stop short specifically due to this phobia.

Cryocide founder, Florence Walters (center in photo), told us today that he saw a gap in the market and wanted to address it. “When I saw those stats, I was shocked. 13% of people are holding back from something that they want to do.”

The company was started just over a year ago with the aim to let people kill themselves without having to face their fear of death. The startup uses cutting edge cryonic technology to allow their customers to do that.

“The process is a very simple one,” Walters told us in a sit down interview at the company’s San Francisco headquarters. “It’s just two steps. First, we give our customers a wide selection of methods to commit suicide and they do it— in the company of doctors of course. Then, our trained team cryogenically freezes the person and stores them in the hopes that future technology can bring them back when all of their troubles on earth are either dead or irrelevant in the time that they’re woken up.”

APR’s Suicide Correspondent, Albert Gordon, tells us that customers will be getting the best of both worlds with this revolutionary service. “Forever we’ve been told that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but in the modern age it doesn’t have to be that way. Cryocide allows many people to have the satisfaction of the sweet embrace of death while not actually dying.”

The technology behind the so-called “neo-cide” service is staggeringly complex and a closely guarded secret. And while all can agree that the technology is quite the feat, some have reservations about the service.

APR spoke to Linda Jackson, a strong critic of Cryocide. She believes that traditional suicide is “nothing but tarnished” by services like this. She explains, “I just want to go back to a time when you could kill yourself in dignity. If I’m going to do it, I want to do it for real, just as God told us expressly not to do in the Bible. Why would anyone in their right mind kill themselves, come back to life in the far future, and then do it again for real down the line? Honestly, just a waste of money.”

Other critics question whether a medical fix for blown out brains will ever be found. Gordon posed this to Walters, who answered immediately by saying, “There have been so many other things that these ‘doctors’ have said would be impossible but look where we are right now; all kinds of things can be fixed now. We’re giving the customer options and we believe, regardless of the choice, future medical professionals will be able to fix it.”

Even with criticism, Cryocide has opened up their doors to customers. Pricing starts at $850,000.