Daylight Savings Time is coming this weekend, so we are reminding all readers to be sure their clocks go forward one hour, but also to keep in mind that this is the perfect time to catch Donald Trump off guard.

We have to always be resisting the Trump administration and that means using systems we have in place to impede him from setting forth his disgusting agenda on America.

What if this Daylight Savings Time, we all came together and used the system to our advantage? It’ll be easy. Sunday at 2am, as usual, set the clock forward an hour to 3am. But also change the date to Nov. 3, 2020. The GOP won’t know what hit them.

Admittedly, we will be missing out on the #BlueMidterm2018, but that’s a price we must pay if we want Trump out as soon as possible.

Daylight Savings Time was started, as many may know, as a way to punish slaves, making them work outside in as many daylight hours as possible. The blacks, after being freed, reclaimed it and embraced it, using it as a way to hold events later in the day such as cookouts and marches. Whites during the industrial revolution appropriated it though and since then it’s been a staple of American life in most states.

It’s a disgusting practice. But let’s make it right.

This year, let’s make Daylight Savings Time work for the people it has hurt historically and against the man oppressing them. All in one motion!

WASHINGTON D.C. —  In a bold and short statement that has since been overshadowed by Trump bombing Afghanistan, the White House is proposing a compromise between keeping the border secure, and allowing a select few of talented individuals come into the country.

The compromise would be to build, instead of one 30-40 foot wall, to build several 5 foot walls that would need to be jumped over in order to gain entry to the US. This, the statement says, would encourage athletic Mexicans to vault over the walls, while discouraging less desirable ones from coming into the country.

The initial plan of one big beautiful wall was too exclusive, as it would have kept everyone out, but this new proposal relieves strain on the immigration system, while also giving us the competitive edge on the world stage that immigration can give a country.

Specifically, the statement mentions, “the US has a bad track record in athletic events like soccer, while Mexico has had a fairly average one. Not great, but average.” It goes on to propose bringing in Mexican immigrants to boost the US agriculture, lawn care, and auto body work industries.

The proposal is one both sides are coming together on, as both sides agree that the country could benefit from high skilled Immigrants.

The Democrats have yet to see that Trump is essentially proposing the same amount of wall to be built, but that this new one will be spread out over several walls, and to call him on it, as would be expected. As with the Gorsich nomination, Democrats are kinda just taking what they can get. Democratic strategist and APR’s Compromise Correspondent tells us that this is the best thing the Democrats can do.

“The Republicans have full control so the Democrats are left with the choices of a 35 foot wall, or 7 five foot walls. Both aren’t prime, but it’s best to bite the bullet, buy a team USA soccer jersey, and let it happen”

PALM BEACH, FL — Guests staying in one of the elegant guest suites at Mar-a-Lago now have a chance to upgrade to a “Top Secret” package, which includes the perk of sitting in on intelligence briefings and getting to eat dinner with President Trump, Secret Service, and the full cabinet.

A Mar-a-Lago representative told APR this evening that such intimacy with the president is something only they can provide: “With our new package, our guests can experience what it’s like to be one of the president’s top men for the duration of your stay.”

Guests already can receive a complimentary intelligence briefing if they didn’t mind listening to it from a distance, but the resort’s announcement today to make the process to listen in formally shows they’re committing to a superior quality in the guest experience.

The resort has received criticism from the lower and middle class, as they see the upgrade to be unfair. James Hamm, a homeless man who sleeps outside our building, told us today that he’s saddened by it and that he “wish[es] to see the day when the poor can have the same treatment as the rich.” He, an many like him, are worried that the price tag will push the poor further away from the ruling class of Washington.

We’ll just have to let the free market decide if the poor should get the same access!

Edit: This post is no longer live (9:30pm)

Steve Beshear (former Kentucky Governor) to deliver the official Democratic response to President Trump’s first address to congress

STAY TUNED: STARTING SOON

9:23pm — “Working together to find solution”

9:24pm — Calling Trump out for executive orders; Honestly this guy is on a roll

9:25pm — Before Obamacare, everyone prayed to not get sick. Now, with Obamacare, we pray to be sick

9:27pm — Beshear: When people disagree with you, that doesn’t make you an enemy; Illogical

9:29pm — Report: Crowd of people behind Beshear not diverse enough

9:30pm — Beshear rips off pledge of allegiance

9:30pm — End response

Edit: This post is no longer live (9:10pm)

President Trump is going to address congress at 6:00pm tonight and is expected to talk about several different aspects of what his plan will be for the country.

Read APR’s piece going more into detail about the contents of the speech here.

STAY TUNED: LIVE UPDATES WILL START AT 7:00pm CST

SPEECH STARTS AT 8:00pm CST

7:06pm — Trump to say that the “time for trivial fights is behind us,” retweets a diss at Nordstrom

7:10pm — According to sources, Democratic leaders want the party to remain civil, keep eye rolling as quiet as possible

7:17pm — Bernie Sanders says “yuge” live on CNN, liberals go wild

7:21pm — Source: Ruth Bader Ginsburg will skip address to attend the dress rehearsal for her funeral

7:33pm — Dem. women upset they all arrived in the same outfit

7:36pm — Trump forgets phone on nightstand, runs back to get it

7:38pm — Pence enters chamber, senators fake their excitement

7:39pm-8:03pm — Honestly, you didn’t miss much

8:04pm — PRESIDENT TRUMP ENTERS HOUSE CHAMBER

8:04pm — “Trump’s tie game on fleek”, according to our office intern

8:08pm — Documentary makers already editing scary music in the background of Trump’s introduction

8:09pm — Melania gets standing ovation for some reason

8:10pm — Trump condemns hate

8:11pm — Applause break for Trump completing a grammatically correct sentence

8:14pm — Trump thinks his election shifted tectonic plates

8:15pm — Trump delivers his killer catchphrase with a point at the camera

8:16pm — Trump takes credit for the sun rising: “Wouldn’t have happened without me, folks”

8:17pm — Audible laugh after Trump says that he’s “draining the swamp”

8:19pm — Republicans get the vapors as Trump says “America” as many times as he can

8:24pm — Fear mongering

8:27pm — Democrats so comfortable in their seats, they’re forgetting to give standing ovations

8:29pm — Report: Fact checkers passing out as Trump rattles off stats

8:31pm — Harley Davidson ad read

8:35pm — Crowd laughs when Trump implies he can negotiate

8:39pm — Trump narrowly avoids saying that he wants universal health care

8:40pm — Comes close yet again to saying universal health care

8:42pm — “Make sure no one is left out.” Pretty close to universal health care, if you ask us

8:44pm — Republicans suddenly love the concept of unity

8:46pm — National Rare Disease Day apparently exists

8:48pm — Trump pronounces “Latino” in a way he definitely doesn’t pronounce it in casual conversation

8:50pm — Trump roasts young woman for failing third grade

8:51pm — Murder rates are skyrocketing up, if you’re holding the graph upside down

8:53pm — V.O.I.C.E.; Clever acronym, honestly. Awful. But clever.

8:55pm — Trump unveils sidejob of cherry picking

8:56pm — “Military spending is so low, the US is only number one in the world”

8:57pm — Bucket of cherry stems next to the president’s podium overflowing

9:00pm — Far too much clapping

9:01pm — Still clapping

9:02pm — Bible verse followed by more clapping

9:03pm — America respects the path that nations forge for themselves, unless we don’t and we invade

9:05pm — Something about an “electric pen”…?

9:07pm — Trump gives shoutout to God

9:09pm — Trump: Believe in yourself

9:10pm — END SPEECH

WASHINGTON D.C. — Tonight President Trump will address congress on the specifics of the kind of dystopian future he has in mind for the country. The most anticipated thing on the president’s docket is the fate of Obamacare. Yesterday in a meeting with several governors , Trump exclaimed in befuddlement, “Nobody knew health care could be so complicated.” Hopefully the president has had sometime to read about it on the Wikipedia page in preparation for his speech.

Democrats also have some preparing to do before Trump’s speech tonight. Steve Beshear, former governor of Kentucky, is going to be making the official Democratic rebuttal in defence of the ACA. Unofficially though, Democrats across the country are gearing up for an intellectual and impassioned debate through Twitter using funny reaction gifs.

While explaining his faults in communicating his faults, Trump quite eloquently summed it up by saying, ““I think I’ve done great things, but I don’t think I have — I and my people — I don’t think we’ve explained it well enough to the American public.” In terms of how he’s done generally, he believes he deserves an A – which he’s working to achieve with his teachers and counselors.

In the address tonight, the president’s goal is to articulate what he’s done so far and what his plans for the future are. According to several sources who have illegally leaked information to APR, Republican lawmakers are worried he’s going to do “a little too much articulation”. Our unethical, anonymous source added, “We’re honestly still reeling from that time Trump said that we’d have ‘healthcare for everyone’ that one time. We don’t wanna be writing checks our asses can’t cash, y’know what I mean?” Republicans are bracing for new positions that they may have to take starting tonight and they are going to have to think hard about their priorities; “An off script President Trump might just promise no taxes, for example, so we have to figure out how we incorporate ideas like that, and others that we’ve sworn against, into talking points that we make to the media.”

The Democrats are supposed to have a good night. It’s impossible to be stressed out about talking points if you just ignore who’s making them.

Be sure to join APR tonight in our live blog coverage tonight of Trump’s comments as they happen.

WASHINGTON D.C. — Obama gave advice to the month-old administration earlier today that is resonating with much of America.

“Do like I did with them,” Obama wrote in a letter to Trump, “Just bomb them.” The former president added that a ban makes the anti-Muslim agenda too obvious and that the public is okay when you kill Muslims because, “you can’t have rights taken away from you when you’re dead. So just kill them so nobody can complain that they have ‘less rights’ or whatever.”

The letter is admired by those on both sides of the political spectrum. In a recent Pew poll, 78% of America expressed worry about taking rights away from a specific group, but was okay if that step was skipped and they were just killed.

Some today have expressed worry about this, saying that this may be a slippery slope to perhaps eliminating other groups of people; those worries are usually quelled shortly after when the point that Muslims aren’t technically human is brought up.

The memo sent to the Trump administration is a very important reminder in this very divisive and polarized time that America’s fear and hatred of Islam is a bipartisan issue.

Trump’s team is reportedly happy to have received the letter from the former president. One staffer told APR earlier today that the administration is glad to have the support and guidance of Obama in Trump’s attempts to continue what the Obama administration set the groundwork for during his tenure. “We always have known that this issue is one that all Americans care strongly about and we’re happy to have Obama’s blessing while we strive to keep going with his vision for America.”

An encouraging point of agreement in a world where it seems that nobody can agree.

MELBOURNE, FL — During a rally in the same vein as a campaign style rally today —because presidents usually continue campaigning until around their sixth month of presidency— President Trump, after adjusting his microphone, repeatedly yelled at his crowd to “Look at what’s happening,” but forgot to say exactly what to look at. Confusion spread in the masses, as they all wanted to follow directions, but didn’t know what to do.

This crowd, containing several million people according to Sean Spicer in a frantic email we just received, isn’t the first to be confused by the order to look at things that are going on. During a campaign speech several months ago, then-Republican nominee Trump had to be cut short from screaming the order to supporters in Kansas after several had panic attacks due to the confusion.

According to our Chief Anxiety Correspondent May Spencer, panic attacks and other anxiety at Trump rallies have been uncommon, but “they spike up when he says things like this.”

“I usually just cover my ears when I can tell he’s gearing up to start telling me where to be looking,” says Spencer, who’s been an expert in anxiety for her whole life. “If he does say where I should be looking, I do and then I’m terrified of what I see. If I don’t know where I’m supposed to be looking, I’m not doing my civic duty because I’m disobeying our leader.”

She said all this while crying in the fetal position. After letting her cry it out for a while, she told us that she, like many other supporters, are scared to disappoint President Trump and just want to please him.

A Trump aide told us over phone interview that this issue is one that they’re looking into: “Trump just wants to make sure his supporters are on their toes and are looking out for things. We have the most knowledgeable base of support and they’re aware of all of these events.”

“So many bad things happening if you just look around; honestly, I encourage you to just look around and see what’s going on out there,” the aide told Spencer, who had to be airlifted to her hiding spot underneath her bed at home.

The speech carried on through the several panic attacks and seizures in the crowd.

HELL, SPIRITWORLD  — Shortly after President Trump’s press conference today, the Illuminati had an impromptu press conference of their own where Satan officially denounced the Trump Administration and called for the Illuminati to formally cut ties with the White House until further notice.

When questioned by APR’s Illuminati Correspondent, Fastolph Boffin, on why the long relationship between the two entities is being tenured, Satan responded by telling her, “Trump and his White House aren’t what we’re looking for.”

Satan followed up by saying that The New World Order requires leaders to be resolute and purposeful with their actions.

Boffin says that an important tenet of a quality relationship between the White House and the Illuminati is making sure the president acts calmly, as to not cause a stir in the country.

“Presidents keep it low-key, for the most part,” Boffin explains. “Trump has been a wildcard from the beginning and the Illuminati originally liked that!”

A wildcard, in the Illuminati’s eyes is a tool to use in their advantage. “It gives the illusion of chaos in system that is in all actuality, perfectly orchestrated,” a representative of Mazda, a subsidiary of the Illuminati, told us in an email. “Trump allowed the Illuminati to carry out their plans in a more covert way. With Obama, for example, it was a little obvious who he worked with. But Trump,” he said longingly —which was strange because, as mentioned above, this statement was in an email— “Trump was the perfect blend of crazy and manipulable.”

But if Trump is so easy to manipulate by the Illuminati, why sever ties? Satan told Boffin that Trump is “too erratic and untrustworthy. Seriously— we bring up anything at one of the meetings and the next day we see he’s tweeting about it and signing executive orders and we’re sitting over here like, ‘Dude. Just calm down and let us workshop these ideas a bit before you throw them out to the public,’ right? But no. He comes back and says, ‘In my initiation ceremony I was told my goal was to make sure all of the institutions of the world are unstable so the New World Order could sweep across the globe to take control.’ Then I say, ‘Yeah, but we have to do it slowly, Trump. Obama was doing perfectly: destroying the world from the inside out— calmly. You’re causing mass hysteria out there, dude,’ and he usually is not even paying attention at this point, so we get nowhere and it’s back to the same old stuff again the next day.”

The Illuminati plays an important role in making sure the world slowly devolves into heathenish anarchy ruled by an elite class of psychopathic multi-billionaires who are all led by the Antichrist himself; If Trump is getting in the way of that, as Satan suggests, this move is an understandable one.

WASHINGTON D.C. — Whispering under his breath during an interview today, President Trump surprisingly spoke in perfectly fluent Russian according to our Russian White House Correspondent, Vasiliy Vinogradov. When our correspondent asked for the President to repeat what he said, all he responded with was a confused look.

We would report on what that quote means, but Vinogradov, whenever confronted, stares through the window in his office facing a vacant building and responds with a panicked “No.”

Regardless of what the quote means, we here at APR have a sense of pride that the President is pursuing knowledge. As the president, Trump has a busy life and for him to make time to learn a whole other language for leisure shows great character. An inspiration for all, truly. Kids across the country can look at Trump as a signal for what they can do when they dedicate time to a fun activity.

If our president can lead the country and culture himself at the same time, there’s truly nothing we can’t do!