ATLANTA, GA — The city of Atlanta was rocked earlier this morning when Adam Cole, a 43-year-old white man, was brutally killed in his friend’s basement after allegedly referring to a black man in his group of peers as “his nigga” with a nigga pass that has been expired for several months.

Cole received his first pass from a middle school friend at the age of 12, according to his mother, Irene Cole, and had gone back to that same friend to get the pass renewed yearly.

“I always reminded him as a kid to get his pass renewed, but he’d never listen. He didn’t deserve to die, but I don’t know what he expected when being so careless. You know how they get. Those dangerous nig—”

She cut herself off to rummage through her purse to pull out her pass, which doesn’t expire until next fall, and she finished her statement with the n-word— with a hard r.

The man who killed Cole is 38-year-old Andre Allen, who told us that he feels bad he had to do it, but that there was no other way to resolve the issue.

“This shit ain’t a game, bruh. You know what I’m sayin’? You don’t have a pass, you keep that word out yo mouth, you feel me?”

Allen was arrested and immediately released after telling authorities that putting him in handcuffs and holding him triggers his PTSD (post-traumatic slave disorder).

All white readers are reminded to renew their pass and to present it to the nearest black person upon use of the n-word.

MIAMI, FL — Anthony Myers, 48, (pictured above) was sitting in his Miami home earlier this morning when he was confronted with several social media posts all urging for action to be taken following the tragedy in Parkland this Wednesday, and he asked himself a question many of us all ask after each of these tragedies.

“I dunno. It’s just, I’m getting to be an old guy and I don’t really have all of that energy I used to. Nothing is gonna happen with this gun business, so why should I even care?”

Myers, a lifelong Democrat, says that when he was younger he was always hoping for tighter restrictions on guns but now feels conflicted. He could either spend the little amount of mental energy he has left on “getting the ball rolling or at least something,” as a Facebook post he showed us said, or he could just say he supports the cause to look good while not actually doing anything to help solve the gun issue, just as everyone else does.

“Does that make me a bad guy? You got these kids virtually screaming at me saying something’s gotta be done, I’ve got my wife telling me she wishes I’d cook for her like I used to, my kids don’t call anymore; I’m a busy guy. Just give me the bumper sticker or whatever you’re selling and that’s it.”

Julia Myers, 47, shares her husband’s sentiment and agrees that he should do more cooking like he used to do for her.

“Those were the days. My Tony used to treat me so well and now all he does is talk to me about cryptocurrency and why Millennials have it so bad. I’m sorry, what was the question?”

APR Intern Ed Harrison hadn’t actually asked any question, but when he pressed her for comment about the gun issue she said, “Wait why do you ask? Did another shooting happen?” She then quickly ran to her kitchen, pulled out a “Schools must be safe for our children” bumper sticker from a drawer, and put it on her Prius parked in the driveway.